Huge Backslide After Affair Recovery

[hopeOK]

Besides detaching, I have figured out my 180. Stopping myself from saying things when I am in a panic & anxious. So my plan is to write it all out to get it out. Then to let it lie. If I need to address is down the road, I can, but I must give it time to settle & not be emotionally charged. I will also distract myself w/ things I enjoy to calm myself. This will be a good practice of self control for myself but also a good change. Must use discipline!

[Clairee]

Hope I totally understand the anxiety you're feeling about H, what he's doing or where is he. I was the same way after finding out. It's hard to just let it go. Some things that helped me were journaling & rubber bands. I journaled everyday, still do. About my feelings, the day, whatever I felt like I needed to say. I said it to my journal & not my H. Not until he was receptive to hearing some of it & by that point, I was able to really look back at all my questions, concerns & fears then decide what was really important. Now before I say anything or ask anything I ask myself 'is this going to help my goal & does this get me closer to my goal?' If either is no, I stfu.

And rubber bands helped me from snooping. Whenever it crossed my mind, I snapped one on my wrist. The sting was just enough to jolt the thought loose so I could stop. Snooping didn't help me. There was never enough for an answer, but just enough to bring more questions. And all that did was make me nervous, anxious & I looked needy.

One of my Hs biggest complaints was that he felt ignored, unappreciated & unloved in our M. So while I still have my GAL activities, I make plans for us too. Even if it's just ice cream after dinner away from the house. We make sure everyday to spent at least 30 minutes of us time. Sometimes that's sitting outside having coffee, sometimes it's driving around. The what isn't as important as the do. During that time, I don't ask about us, the R, or his feelings. We talk about our day, what's the plan for tomorrow, anything & nothing. If H brings up us, R, feelings, I let him talk. I don't interrupt, I validate & just listen. And always I thank him for sharing. This has helped my H open up more & has brought us closer. We're still baby stepping our way through. So each positive is one step closer to my goal of a happy, healthy, respectful & equal partnership.

I read a book called After the Affair. It really helped me. Like Starksy said, MWD doesn't have much in her books right now. So I researched & found this one. I look forward to reading MWDs when it comes out.

Hang in there my friend. Baby steps. Breathe. GAL.

[hopeOK]

Oh, Tweets, I so needed to read your perspective and experience. I think at this point, what you suggest is really the best answer. I just pushing H away by what I have been doing. He is convinced that I cannot change & I know I am responsible for that. I will take your suggestions to heart & really work on me.

[Fogg]

hope, just read through your sitch. Not much to offer in terms of advice since your in a very different place than I am in terms of the R. As for you withdrawing and doing too much GAL, in your case I would think it would be more of the same and could cause issues. Its common advice for many of us on here because our S's don't want anything to do with us anymore and we need to find ourselves. If you can do that in a way that avoids the previous issues, great.

I wouldn't worry about that receipt and the 45 mins missing too much (to the point of allowing it to cause you to backslide).

I found two receipts from W during a time when she should have been at work. One for an ice-creme shop an hour away and then another 15 mins later at her work. No way she physically could have been in both places so the receipt was likely dated/timed wrong. This was from two locations that should have reliable registers so the fact your H's receipt was from a road side farm adds to the mystery.

Since my sitch is different I have to ignore those things for now completely because my W is fully checked out of our M and in an A. I'm sure those on here that are following similar paths can help you figure out a way to tackle that issue.

Good luck.

[hopeOK]

So sorry, Fogg, that your W is not wanting to work on things & in an active affair. such a difficult place to be in.

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I definitely struggle some w/ the GAL & think I need to do it carefully.


On other news, H is still mad at me for my questioning on friday. So it feels very much like where we were before he said he wanted to fix things with the exception of him wearing his ring & I believe his devices are still unlocked. I guess it will take time to show him I am going to stop asking accusatory questions. I really hate that I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

I was thinking of saying that I have been successful at not asking questions for a few things that made me nervous but I figured saying this would just seem like a desperate attempt to get him moving back towards me.

[hopeOK]

H still physically distant. In the middle of the night I woke up and couldn't sleep. I began to get angry with him. I started to think of him as being half in and half out. He partly did some things to look like he is interested in fixing things, but he is not 100%. If he were 100% these are some additional things he would do-
He would have said first thing on the phone Friday : sorry for not answering when you called, I got caught up in xyz at work.
He would tell me who he was wrtting to whenever he is taping crazily at his phone.
He would not bring his phone into the bathroom & remain in the bathroom for 30-45 min w/ phone.
He would call throughout the day and check in.
He would communicate his schedule (when he plans to go in & leave work)

Yesterday, he was so careful to communicate all these phone calls/texts that he was making on his on call work phone. He was on call & I knew he'd have to deal w/ work stuff this weekend. But I just wanted to say- I do not think you would be so stupid as to call/text with OW on your work phone that is monitored by your work! Why are you not that way with your personal phone? Now granted, he is not getting calls & texts on his personal phone but he is typing plenty on it. Last night (when I woke up & couldn't go back to sleep) something vibrated. Could have been his phone or his watch. Could have been his phone vibrating something weather related or some other random thing. But it could also be a message from OW and that thought is what keeps me from sleeping. He could have easily just said- it was xyz.

So last night I was just thinking- he must not want me to feel safe in this relationship. And the fact that he withdraws when mess up how I ask him a question (being more accusatory than I intended) & "punishes" me.

The

[Georgiabelle]

Actions speak MUCH louder than words.

[hopeOK]

Actions speak MUCH louder than words.

Agreed.

[CaliGuy]

H still physically distant. In the middle of the night I woke up and couldn't sleep. I began to get angry with him. I started to think of him as being half in and half out. He partly did some things to look like he is interested in fixing things, but he is not 100%. If he were 100% these are some additional things he would do-
He would have said first thing on the phone Friday : sorry for not answering when you called, I got caught up in xyz at work.
He would tell me who he was wrtting to whenever he is taping crazily at his phone.
He would not bring his phone into the bathroom & remain in the bathroom for 30-45 min w/ phone.
He would call throughout the day and check in.
He would communicate his schedule (when he plans to go in & leave work)

Yesterday, he was so careful to communicate all these phone calls/texts that he was making on his on call work phone. He was on call & I knew he'd have to deal w/ work stuff this weekend. But I just wanted to say- I do not think you would be so stupid as to call/text with OW on your work phone that is monitored by your work! Why are you not that way with your personal phone? Now granted, he is not getting calls & texts on his personal phone but he is typing plenty on it. Last night (when I woke up & couldn't go back to sleep) something vibrated. Could have been his phone or his watch. Could have been his phone vibrating something weather related or some other random thing. But it could also be a message from OW and that thought is what keeps me from sleeping. He could have easily just said- it was xyz.

So last night I was just thinking- he must not want me to feel safe in this relationship. And the fact that he withdraws when mess up how I ask him a question (being more accusatory than I intended) & "punishes" me.

The

Hope .... where do you live? Wait do not answer that ... because you do not live in a state, a county nor a house/apt/condo ... you live in your H's head .... 24/7

He does this that , his him ... see how I picked out all the H's up there??? STOP OBSESSING it will drive you mad.

Can you control your H? No .... but looks like you sure as heck are going to try and this will do what ... yup .. send H running for the hills, now if thats your plan then by all means go for it .. but if you would like your H to come into the M willingly you are going to have to back off and allow him to decide on his own free will to do so, you can not 'trick' him into it .. nor can you demand him to ... God gave us all free will and sometimes its a real tough nut to crack.

DETACH...GAL...180...PMA ... focus on the small stuff and take some small steps, try to remember "Is this about me, or H" ... only focus on the parts about you for now.

[Clairee]

^^^this!! Hope listen to Cali. Get out of your Hs head. That's like driving around in a foreign country with every sign written in a language you don't speak, with a GPS that's stuck 2 countries away. You just drive haplessly turning here & there, staying perpetually lost. Take the exit you've been given(DB) & get off the H brain highway! Sweetie, you could be Mother Teresa, Martha Stewart & Jenna Jameson rolled into one & it wouldn't matter right now. Your H is stuck in his own time warp. You can't argue, beg, bed, reason or accuse him out of it. Quit mind reading. You don't have the translator for it. Better yourself, for you. Yes my H felt all of those things I said. But that doesn't mean I focus solely on him. I have my own issues to work through at the same time. I have to have my own life, my own individuality, my own identity, my own happiness. You are hinging your happiness on him. If he would do XYZ, I'd be happy. It doesn't work that way. He's not responsible for your happiness, you aren't responsible for his. Self happiness enhances the happiness of the couple, Youve seen it said here a million times, be the woman only a fool would leave.

(((((Hugs))))))