I have a feeling you guys are going to remember who I am.... It's been about a year now. But I always check in to see how you guys are doing. Just thought I'd stop by and do a little check-in. I've needed a break from being " divorced" for a little while, and took a break from another group a little back.
What has prompted me to post is the realization that tomorrow I will have been legally divorced 6 years tomorrow ( thanks, timehop, for brining that memory back up!). I usually check in with myself around that time every year. Good news is I'm actually doing pretty great. For different reasons and on different levels.
First of all, I have finally forgiven ex and OWW. For myself. I have accepted their roles in our lives ( me and D7). And as long as they are with respected boundaries, I can handle them both pretty well. They both were in my home for Easter ( long story). I invite them both in and am fine with doing what I need to do with them. I just be " me". And I can't be mean and resentful. It does no good for anyone. It's a good example for D7 also. She has had some really rough times with our divorce which have surfaced for her now, even though it's been since she was a baby. Something's have come up and we have dealt with them appropriately ( we, as I'm D7 and I). Through counseling, the school guidance counselor, and a great 6 week program her school set up for her peers who are dealing with a similar situation. She's doing better these days. She's a happy, smart bright girl, and her self confidence is finally getting better.
I've started IC which has been great for me and really enjoyable, actually. Believe or not, she sees me as a survivor, a great mother, and very well-adjusted. What prompted me to go back was a few things, one being this sense of loneliness that was a little overheming at times, and relationship choices that were basically repeated patterns for me. I was getting very frustrated when I was I knew cognitively why they were not good choices, how things were going to turn out, and that I was going to get hurt, yet I was still participating. I continued to care deeply for people who couldn't/wouldn't return love to me. Just like I did with my ex. And after being/ feeling hurt twice, I decided I need to end this cycle. I discovered with my IC that while I may have forgiven ex and OWW, I could not forgive myself for my choices that have left me hurt. I beat myself up pretty bad. And I need to realize my self worth, that I am deserving of being loved. I need to learn from my mistakes and leave them in the past. So, I decided those to finally let go of those who can't /won't return the same love/loyalty/ respect I give. It's been scary and a little unnerving, but I know it's clearing the path for a healthy relationship where those things are returned.
I found my happiness from within. I have a beautiful daughter and the most wonderful friends. I receive and give unconditional love from these people in my life. My GAL actually needs to chill, because I am broke and tired. Hahaha! I continue to exercise, and I recovered from an injury that had me unable to do so. I've been at my new job for almost a year, and I clicked with my new coworkers immediately. I like going to work, they are great and Family oriented leaving me not having to worry too much about D7. I miss my bedside work, but this is what I need to make my life work right now.
So, In a nutshell, life is great. Yeah, I won't lie, I'm not where I thought I would be family/relationship wise. I thought I would be remarried and with another child by now, but I'm not, and there is about a 1% chance for another child and I'm dealing with that. Sometimes at night the loneliness becomes too much, but I've learned how to distract myself and deal with it. I refuse to fill that particular void with anything less than I deserve. And one day, it will happen for me. My life is not perfect, but it's perfectly my life. It's has it's ups and downs, but mostly ups.
I'm proud of me. And while I've tried to take a break from my life as a " divorced" person, I have come to accept that will be a part of me for the rest of my life. It won't define me, but whether good or bad, it affects most aspects of my life. And that's ok.
Sorry so long winded, I kind of needed to just let that out. And since I'm still on moderation, probably won't show up for another week, haha!
And now that you've recognized your pattern in picking guys, the door is open for a GOOD guy to walk through.
I dated some lovely guys after my divorce, but they were all unavailable for one reason or another. To tell the truth, I think I was more comfortable that way, because I'd been so burned by my ex, I wasn't really ready for a full relationship, and these guys were "safe".
Now I've had a boyfriend for 2 years who is NOT relationship avoidant, who treats me like a queen, treats my mom and kids great, and is really there for me. It's lovely. You'll have that too.
I'm so impressed at the way you've handled the ex and his OW. When you've got kids the main priority is to be the most loving "family" as you can be. Divorce does not negate family. When we separated i told the kids that we were all still family but we are now a different kind of family. We still celebrate the kids birthdays together and other special times like Christmas. A couple of years ago we went to my mother's place and I brought my girlfriend too. Her and ex got along fine. I don't have to deal with ex's significant other but it wouldn't be an issue right now. Anyway, the divorce train is not an easy one to pull but you sound like you're doing well. Congrats.
Ellie, I can't believe it's been 2 years with your man! It sounds like you are certainly getting what you deserve. And sometimes other parts fall I to place, but not the reciprocation, and that's huge. I'm so glad you found it. My life as I know it now is great. I've let go of the crap and I really do feel like I am open to an open loving healthy relationship. And when it's the right time for me, I do believe it will happen. But it's not the center of my world.
wii, thank you for that compliment. My path to where I am now hasn't been easy at all, but I'm at peace with where I am. We do what we need to for D7. We will never have a great R like you do with your ex, but it is currently working for us. My ex is still a douche. He just is. I've accepted him as one, that's the difference. But he has his rare good moments and I take them for what they are. We still switch holidays and we him D7 and I still do her birthday together.
Had the best weekend where certain people who watched D grow although they never met her finally got to meet her. Certain divorced people:). And they loved her like they knew her forever, and D loved them all right back.
I sound like one of those people who I want to smack sometimes. But really, I freakin love life.
Last edited by Cristy; 07/27/1504:14 PM. Reason: removed name
Thanks Cristy, but unfortunately it is. It says "this posst can no longer be edited, maximum time has expired" Which usually happnes within 30 sec of the post
