Do you think the secret is, to finally letting go? I am having a hard time quitting hope. I keep trying to argue with myself that there is a valid point of view for his abuse. That maybe I should call him up and ask him to speak with me about it all. I know this is insane. Did you ever struggle with this at any point since first bomb?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Do you think the secret is, to finally letting go? I am having a hard time quitting hope. I keep trying to argue with myself that there is a valid point of view for his abuse. That maybe I should call him up and ask him to speak with me about it all. I know this is insane. Did you ever struggle with this at any point since first bomb?
I struggle with this too. I am not entirely sure I am there yet. It still crosses my mind and there are lots of bridges still. My D isn't as far forwards as yours, the big house isn't sold yet. So there is much to do. I am not sure I will let go until the Fins are sorted.
I still struggle Z, I wanted to delete WH mobile number from my phones etc but that's rather nonsensical but would stop me from texting. I have blocked him from calling me and emailing, but then I question is WH trying to call etc? I am completely NC, completely and no texts since 10 June 2015 and I want to stay that way for the rest of my life.
I tell myself I am addicted to it, that like all addictions it has to be managed. The disturbance is slightly less and there is no drama but I don't want to be abused. My bottom line boundary "I will not be abused" and I know that with this WH I will be another sweet cycle. Each one is worse than the last. I doubt I would survive another round. It's still a struggle to survive this one, my Fins are so precarious, I struggle with each day, every day I make it is another one under my belt.
Absolutely Z, quitting is really difficult, struggling absolutely. I am not even sure that WH hasn't a new target, one who is at this stage going to make no demands. It is so very hard to know that as I struggle with the morality of knowing others may get hurt.
My fins are such a mess that is one reason I struggle. Survival takes all my energy, considering before I met WH how successful I was and how that easy being has gone.
I spend virtually all my time working hard, and I am only now beginning to turn things around. I am still catching up with my own accounting. It will be uphill still.
I am just hoping I don't go under. It's very close to it.
There was a time very recently that I saw you struggle on your thread and sadly I sense that there will be more struggles ahead. I really loved your letter to yourself. Long time coming, I think that self love is not selfish at all, as targets we have to want to be healthy and well before we can recover.
I concern myself in case being that way is like creating an attractant for my abuser. Unlike most LBS I don't want to reunite with WH, I think that would be the very worst solution for me. A very bad decision, I really don't want to go back to any sweet cycle. I want freedom. I also am concerned for you, and of course whatever you do I am here. It's not easy to find people who understand, I see newcomers here and the occasional sitch is abusive and I can read the sweet cycle restarting and I think "V, this poster hasn't yet had a spell breaker". I will be eternally grateful to Gg for her insight and spotting the abuse in my sitch, she has a special place in my heart for it. Sunny was challenging at the time too. And all the posters here who helped with my personal journey.
Abuse sitches take much much longer to resolve, especially before spell breaker or crisis. I expect it. It is a struggle for me too. We can only resolve our internal issues and I love DB as a tool for that.
Whatever you do is the right thing for Z. You are doing each day the best that you can and you can ask no more. Abusers know they are abusing, I think I assumed it was subconscious but it isn't. They abuse because they can do so to get control, some are so manipulative and covert that as targets we don't see it. Truly we don't and anyone who hasn't been there, can empathise but not really know. The way we describe our R looks vindictive to others, over exaggerated, in many ways I was lucky WH abuse was very visible and I recorded it. That has proved very important, the very thought of listening to it again makes me ill.
When I weaken, that recording is there to remind me. I keep it on my phone. Your list is key for you. I think if I approached WH in the right way he would return to abuse again, that I have given him permission. The longer I am free the harder this is in some ways as the bad memories fade.
So Z yes I really struggle, almost every day and it isn't easy sometimes. I wish I could say differently and had an easy answer that I could give you. All I do is walk to the pain, acknowledge it and look to posters like Dawn, Gg and Scherman who are waving to me down the path, join us in freedom. It is so important they post even if it's just a tiny post, just to know they are free still and enjoying life.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/27/1507:14 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you for such an honest post, V. It is helpful to know you also struggle. I found a photo from a year ago that set me off, him waiting for me to come in from paddleboard with coffee in hand, smiling, dog at feet. I keep thi MJ g none of this could have been as awful as it seemed, it's impossible.
He said to me that day in the cafe, how he'd lost his temper before...and I wonder, did I really think he would have hurt me? He seemed to think it was ridiculous. Maybe I was knee jerk in telling him to leave, but at the time, him sitting there without a care telling me he couldn't promise it wouldn't happen again...he told me later he was mad at me those days and is why he didn't talk to me...I wonder sometimes was it abuse or just immaturity?
My heart is so sad and I know I have not dropped the rope quite yet.
V, thank you for all of your contributions. I will start a new thread.
I vote for V is for Vanilla - after the movie, V is for Vendetta. It's aBritish movie about freedom. And they say a life well lived is the best revenge.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Unlike most LBS I don't want to reunite with WH, I think that would be the very worst solution for me.
I can completely understand this V!! The more time I spend away from STBXW, the more reality hits me of all the things I was blind to in the past. The years of TRYING to make it work. The years of lies!! I don't want to go back to that. V, you deserve to be happy and you deserve someone that makes you happy. That person will come one day when you are ready!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Thank you for the mention, V. I remember reading your first thread and I sincerely couldn't understand why you hadn't already run far and fast. I had a hard time not saying that then and there. I hope I was a gentle nudge in your journey, I never meant to be harsh with you.
You are such a kind, gentle, loving spirit V. Thank you for the beauty you spread around these boards.
Zelda, Joe and sunny thank you for the kind and generous words.
V is for Vanilla seems the popular choice.
I have often asked why stand, why did I change my mind and stay. I was clearly a WAW very soon after M. I asked was it pride? I don't believe it was although of course there may. Be an element of that. Was it innocence? A little perhaps.
In essence I think it was the sweet cycle, although as soon as I realised there was something wrong it got worse as if WH had no limits. It started really deteriorating as soon as I enforced by boundaries. If you like DB made things much worse for me because in truth I was abused. Initially of course some of the changes appeased WH. When I joined the board I had been DB for about 4 or so months. I was a lurker, but my holiday in October 2014 was so abusive and I needed help.
The screaming banshee was on hold by then, that stopped almost immediately I started to DB in about June 2014, and I do see that as both protective and reactive abuse. I. Have never shown this before and truly hope never again. I believe WH wasn't too much affected by it as it came from button pressing. I do own it and am regretful for it.
Sunny I am very clear there is a difference between being a target for abuse and seeing oneself as a victim. Targets deny abuse and victims point to it. Most of the targets I can see here on the board take too much self responsibility (not control) for their R. They deny abuse. Faux victims wish to deny responsibility. Control tends to lie with the abuser and breaking free is hard. For Z it appears harder than for me, my WH was covert until October 2014 and then became so overt with public abuse in front of others who he saw as connected. Such abuse is public and demeaning, easier to acknowledge. The person this demeans is WH.
I know very little of MLC but what I did see persuaded me WH wasn't in MLC. His core was as it had entered into our R, so if he was MLC then it had been so all along. It was as if WH had released some kind of spring, or like Alice through the Looking glass had grown when eating. It took a long time to understand, Jim described WH behaviour as thrashing that was eye popping. My IC asked what I was getting from the R and suggested challenging WH. That is a very dangerous thing to do with an abuser, they need safely ejecting from your life. A later abuse counsellor IC suggested texts instead and eventually that worked. WH came into the R like this, it was part of his personality which he hid. I do see this tendancy mainly in OP on the board. One or two WW are enthralled by OMs of this type. Gg describes it as being used like a tissue and discarded, most unpleasant when we realise that.
I called WH on his lies, he thrashed and left, before that I was living in a corner of my home, a house I own. A PWAW living in fear of an outburst and a man who is in actuality a mean drunk. Z is different, her sitch is softer, her WH seems like a user WH, a resource gather. His overt appears to have come to the fore when he received his settlement and had resources of his own. Mustardseeds sitch is more like mine as is yours Joe, and Schermans. There are a couple more here but it isn't appropriate to raise that here it's more for their threads, since they as yet haven't had a big enough spell breaker. Gg was my guardian angel, bless her always. You too Sunny.
So it's ironic that DB has got me to a place where I don't want an R with WH. I am DB for me, so is this a failure? Absolutely not, DB is a good process if it allows those who are abused to be released. I am not sure that was the intention for DB, but it is being used by me for that. Sandis guidelines help us to become someone only a fool would leave and in doing so we are freed to become true lovers, spouses and friends. We regain our control over ourselves and develop as human beings. I believe this is a good thing.
I am posting this at the end of this thread. 1 to 9 were about hope, 10 to 19 about breaking free and 20 onwards, I want to be about recovery.
A new chapter starts at post 20 recovery.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/28/1506:33 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
