Lost & confused

[Clairee]

Hi Bob! Thanks for stopping by. Yes the massage was well worth the soreness. I have been so tense for so long & she really went to work on all the knots.

Yesterday was a great day. H & I participated in a school supply drive on of the local motorcycle clubs was having then went to the annual bike blessing. When the minister got to H's bike, he started to bless the bike & H called me over & asked the minister to bless us both. Very shocked & thrilled by this. H normally doesn't ask for him to be blessed, just the bike & he's never included me in it. We spent about 8 hours on the bike in total yesterday. H was very different all day. He never left me to wander off. He stayed pretty close all day. He made sure I always had bottled water or anything he thought I would want. There were a few times I would see another club President or a new club President & would point them out, give H the rundown & send him over to make introductions or renewed contact. In this world, it's important Presidents recognize each other out of respect. So I didn't want him missing someone & an issue come up later. When we got home, H thanked me several times for keeping him up to speed with the other clubs, he's been off island for 9 months & a lot has changed. He told me it really felt like we were a team again & it felt good. I felt the same way. Prior to hm leaving, he didn't involve me much in that kind of stuff. When we would go to these events, I would hang out with the other wives/gfs/flavors of the month, while he wandered around. We would barely speak all day. It was very different yesterday. He held my hand & led me through the crowds, introduced me to everyone he talked to & was attentive.

Sometimes I feel like we're turning the corner, but I'm so afraid to trust it. I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt again, blindsided again & betrayed again. We have our first MC this week. Fingers crossed it goes well.

Take care everyone!

[Clairee]

We had our first MC yesterday. It was good for a 1st session. I was taken back by a comment the therapist made. He said he thought we were a great couple & very intune with each other & questioned why we were there as most couples he sees can barely sit beside each other. We both almost in unison said it wasn't always this way. He asked a lot of questions about us individually & really kind of honed in on H's male influences as a child/teen. I guess we'll be exploring that more. We touched briefly on the BD/OWs. I tried to be honest but without throwing angry daggers at H. I explained the 1st incident I am able to wrap my head around & have truly forgiven. But the 2nd, I can't & I'm angry. I haven't forgiven that & right now, I can't even contemplate forgiveness about it. I threw a few truth darts & they really hit the mark with H's reaction. Overall, it was a good session. We left a little bruised but no arguing about it. We agreed to leave what we say in MC at the office door & understand within those walls we are hashing out the problems. We take only the positives with us & work to expand on those instead of dwelling on anything negative we said. It's a process we have to go through to get out of the dark & into the light.

We see him again next week.

As for today, my mom is visiting from the mainland so I think she has plans to drag me all over the island...lol She kinda goes crazy when she gets here. I really need to teach her aloha time!! Lol

[Clairee]

Great day at the beach yesterday with the whole family. H & I went early to set up the tent & tables. We were there from 8am-4pm. A wee bit sunburned. That happens when you fall asleep in the lounger...lol

H & I stopped for ice cream on the way home. Quiet evening after. I sat on the lanai & read a book while he goofed off playing a game. I needed some quiet time to myself.

H is out for a charity ride today. I didn't feel like going. All day in the sun yesterday, along with getting rolled hard by a few waves took it out of me & I wanted just a peaceful day. Besides, school starts back up this week & I have things I really need to get ready. So today, I'm making my shopping list for lunches & snacks & double checking we have all the supplies the teachers listed. It gets more expensive every year!

I got my acceptance letter to university! I'm really excited to start a new challenge. I graduated university in '92, so going back is scary, but exciting. After spending the last many years in the business world, I'm taking the jump into medical. I'll be doing a dual program. Getting my bachelors & masters in nursing at the same time. After I finish, I will be finishing my PhD online through the same university. The BD & subsequent fallout has made me realize the importance of creating my own financial security. My kids are almost grown & I need to ensure I can take care of my own needs & create my own safety net. So while I am 1000% committed to my M & never facing these challenges again, life is too uncertain to be without my own means.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!

[Clairee]

Changing names....just in case. H knows I visit a 'self help' group online & have talked about the issues, but better safe than sorry. Hopefully is doesn't take too long.

[Clairee]

Woke up feeling awful. I get dreams are our self conscious, but geez I wish mine would take a prozac or something & chill out! Had a dream H was talking OW2 still & had just learned to hide it better. That all his talk was just that & the day before he left for school again, he bombed with D papers. Ugh! And believe me, I know I have had that thought several times so I'm not shocked by it but still I'd like to have some boring dreams. I'd settle for dreaming about laundry & dishes!! Now awake, new day, in control of my thoughts, feelings & actions.

[Clairee]

Ugh! H just doesn't get it. He says he's trying. But being really honest here, what has he really done? He broke off communication with OW. He isn't hiding his phone or email or anything. Sometimes he's attentive. And then there are nights like tonight where he's ticked off about something I did & his entire tone is angry no matter what. My crime? We were talking about home buying & before we started looking at houses, I wanted to double check how much we could afford, what are maximum budget was & I didn't read the calculator inputs out loud so he could be included. It took me all of 30 seconds to punch the data in & get the number I was looking for & somehow that's not including him & if I can't include him in these mundane things how is he ever suppose to believe I'll include him in anything else. Yet at the same time, he expects me to forgive what he's done & not bring it up except at counseling. He's allowed to get pi$$y & throw my mistakes at me but I'm suppose to stfu & swallow his. I am so frustrated right now. We have our 2nd MC session tomorrow. This has to be addressed.

[mvgfwd2]

Could be he is grasping any "fault" (real or inflated) to sooth his guilt. Or maybe it's something else. Either way you should not be berated for such things. I don't really understand why you can't talk about his A outside of the MC sessions. I would think open and honest communication is absolutely necessary to understand how all this came to be.

My W was similar in not wanting talk about it. I just told her "I will be talking and asking questions until I am ready to move on. The length of time is what it takes for ME to get straight. You will just have to suck it up." And so far she has.

[hopeOK]

I agree with mvg... I think reserving the counseling session as the only time to talk about the affair is probably not enough. H and I had many many talks outside of counseling & then worked out the areas we were stuck on in counseling.

[Clairee]

I am the one that wanted it left for during counseling. I don't want it to be a focal point of my thoughts. It's already there, I know it, I feel when it dashes through my head, but I'm working to move passed it. When we were talking about the A, it wasn't productive for either of us. In MC, I feel much more comfortable having our therapist guide us through how to ask & answer. We had our session yesterday & we did talk about it & the MC asked H to do several things in regards to what I had said. By the end, H had tears, apologized, sincerely & deeply apologetic & accepted fault, acknowledged the pain he caused, expressed true remorse for the betrayal. It was a HUGE turn around.

As for H getting upset with me the day before, I did bring it up. We talked about it during session & came home with homework on communicating better.

Overall MC has been very good for us. We both feel we're in a safe environment to work though things & it puts us both in a more receptive place than when we tried at home. I adore our MC, he is a genuinely good person & funny. But he doesn't pull punches & doesn't let you off the hook easy. He has really forced H to be completely honest & while H is still unnerved by it at times, he is doing it.

[Clairee]

Ahhhh another Monday. Back to the weekly grindstone. This should actually be a fairly routine, uneventful week.

Had a great weekend. Had a bit of a blow Friday from the doc. She diagnosed me with asthmatic bronchitis & said she would not sign a medical waiver for scuba diving. That hit hard as diving is something H loves to do & we just bought all the gear for me to do it with him. I'm not totally giving up on it yet, but I know realistically it may now never happen.

Saturday had a big BBQ at the house with about 15 friends staying until well after midnight. Had a blast, we watched the Rousey fight then just hung out. Food, drinks, a lot of laughs. It was a much needed good time. Sunday we cleaned up the mess & relaxed around the house. H went with me to doc on Friday & saw my reaction to what was said but he didn't say anything at the time. Last night sitting on the lanai, he brought it up. So we talked about it in depth, he had researched the diagnosis when we got home because he said he didn't fully understand what it meant for me. He is being very supportive & loving. Told me if I never get to dive with him, he would just find another hobby for us to do together & there's no need for me to worry or get upset about it. That helped relieve quite a bit of the stress I was feeling since us not doing things together was a complaint he had & he had been pushing for me to dive with him the last couple of years. So the weekend ended on a good note.

Now it's time to get the day started, get the kids up, breakfast made, lunches packed & get them off to school. Then it's a huge stack of paperwork & phone calls for me. That's the trouble about being 5-6 hours behind the mainland, any calls I need to make have to be done early in the morning.

GAL stuff....kickboxing class this afternoon, lunch with my bestie tomorrow, ceramics class tomorrow night, sailing lesson Wednesday morning, appointment with my school counselor Wednesday afternoon, spa day Thursday, date with H Friday night(I have no idea what he has planned, it's a surprise he says) & Saturday another big BBQ to celebrate my birthday early with friends. Somewhere in between all this is laundry, toilets & the dog groomer.

Happy Monday everyone! Hope you all have a relaxed, stress-free day!!