LBS trying to get it right

[ATPeace]

Hello
I am trying to get things right but seem to be getting things wrong. my sister posted some warming comments on my facebook page but my W thought they were a dig at her I told her my sister just cared about me and I have removed them as I do not want to cause upset to W

I am trying to detach from her and give her space

We are cohabiting and we get along in the house together we do things for our children and are doing less and less together day to day she is doing her things and I am doing mine .

I am a fixer kind of person and I like to fix things in R I did not like sleeping on problems and would always try to make things right if we had argued.

So a question if I detach from W will she not just think I have given up on our R

When she made the choice to S it was a very hard decision for her to make I know this now that we have split she feels happier because she does not have to worry about my needs and wants she says the children are happier although I think they are struggling with emotions more

But she knows whilst we are apart I will always be doing my best to make things right
She knows that if I back track then she has the reason to walk away completely
I just feel that no matter what I do she will hold this over me and will not entertain getting back together for fear of me hurting her again

Please can someone guide me What are my next steps

GAL AND DETACH ?

Thank you for sticking with me

Gary

Last thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588947#Post2588947

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2586771#Post2586771

[little1]

Hi. Like all of us sorry you are here. But I must say in the short amount of time I have been here the response and advise has been wonderful. My advice is to READ. Read everything they tell you too and more. I just keep reading all the posts over and over. It is hard to imagine being here but know your not alone.

Sorry I don't have much to offer yet.

[Fogg]

How do people keep things together I am so emotional right now but am trying not to show it

Need to find things to do to take my mind off situation

Time, GAL, hurt yourself enough. You will eventually learn the hard way letting out those emotions to W does nothing to help you.

So a question if I detach from W will she not just think I have given up on our R

We all have this fear and it [censored] to work through. No, she wont think you have given up, she will see you are moving forward with your life with or without her. She was the one to walk away, not you. You don't give up on someone that fired you. It just doesn't work that way. You not accepting that its over right now is showing you as being weak. Its like you getting fired from your job and then worrying that if you dont go in to do a shift still each day YOU are giving up on the company. You.were.fired.

I am trying to get things right but seem to be getting things wrong. my sister posted some warming comments on my facebook page but my W thought they were a dig at her I told her my sister just cared about me and I have removed them as I do not want to cause upset to W

I am a fixer kind of person and I like to fix things in R I did not like sleeping on problems and would always try to make things right if we had argued.

You don't need to fix this. You are not responsible for your sister or your W's actions. If you sister posts something and it bothers W, why do you feel the need to step in and fix it? Codependency. You could have just said you don't control what your sister does and leave it at that. If W is bothered she can speak to sister.

Please can someone guide me What are my next steps

GAL AND DETACH ?

Yes. You need to get away from these desperate actions. I'm going to be honest here with you. As long as you keep showing this needy desperate man who will do anything to get his W back, she will continue to leave further and lose respect for you. What your doing is not attractive, its not helping you. Every single time you have a R talk with her, even if she initiates it and you get desperate, she is seeing her choice to leave you was the right one. You need to back off and accept your M is dead for right now. You may get the chance to rebuild it, but only if you start following the rules. This is going to be a long hard road and you need alot of work to save yourself first. Forget your W for now.

[Azzork]

But she knows whilst we are apart I will always be doing my best to make things right

Why are you trying to "make things right?"

If she always wanted you to bring flowers and you never did, you aren't "making things right" by doing that right now.

Instead think about WHY you didn't bring her flowers before and fix THAT in YOU.

You HAVE (HAVE) to stop trying to fix things with HER. That. Just. Doesn't. Work.

[ATPeace]

I do realise I cannot fix her only she can do that

I have been looking for local clubs today trying to find ways to GAL

Home and the kids takes up a sizeable amount of my life right now but I am looking to get out a couple of evenings a week

The stupid thing is that we both get on very well we do things in the house for each other it is almost like our R is there except for the intamacy

She is going out more with her friends and is not putting me first .....this is not something that she did when we were M as I was jealous and I guess she wanted to please me by not going out clubbing

I am just going to keep trying to distance myself but living together does make this rather difficult

In some ways I would like for her to experience living without me so she can really see if this is what she wants.



Thanks

Gary

[PigPen]

But she knows whilst we are apart I will always be doing my best to make things right

Instead think about WHY you didn't bring her flowers before and fix THAT in YOU.

You HAVE (HAVE) to stop trying to fix things with HER. That. Just. Doesn't. Work.

That's an incredibly profound question Azzork. I'm going to ponder that too. Thank you.

[Azzork]

I do realise I cannot fix her only she can do that

Do you ACTUALLY realize that? Are you showing it through your actions? Your W is upset about a FB post and you try to fix it. Your W wants the garage done she can move and you try to fix it. There is no amount of nice that you can be that will change her mind.

I have been looking for local clubs today trying to find ways to GAL

Home and the kids takes up a sizeable amount of my life right now but I am looking to get out a couple of evenings a week

So what have you DONE? Without reading back through all of your threads, all I remember is some hypotheticals. From what I can tell, your W is getting out plenty. Do you enjoy being her babysitter?

The stupid thing is that we both get on very well we do things in the house for each other it is almost like our R is there except for the Intimacy.

I'll bet most here feel the same way. And that friendship IS important. But you've got to back off of it some.

She is going out more with her friends and is not putting me first .....this is not something that she did when we were M as I was jealous and I guess she wanted to please me by not going out clubbing

So why are you still putting HER first?

I am just going to keep trying to distance myself but living together does make this rather difficult

Neither way is easy. If she's with you, she can see changes more readily. But if you don't CHANGE.........

In some ways I would like for her to experience living without me so she can really see if this is what she wants.

Yes. Yes. Yes. That doesn't mean you have to leave. But you have to stop trying to be her husband. You have to let her live her own life. Experience her own problems.



Sorry, I really don't mean to come across harsh. But I want you to look at your first posts here a few weeks ago and this one. What exactly is different?

[ATPeace]

Thank you for being harsh ....I actually do need this and a good kick up the backside will do me no harm

Ok I am a thinker ...I ponder things and then think how I can make things right

My job as a driving instructor is all about finding solutions to people's problems this is all I do all day

I do realise that I cannot fix her and that she has to do this I guess in the past when we nearly split I was able to ....talk her arround

I went down to Devon for a few days with the kids gave her some space and all she did was fill her day with plans out with mates for lunch and then clubbing in the evening

I have been out a couple of evenings with a friend but did end up talking to him about the situation ...not helpful

My W said that she would go out on a Saturday night and I could go out on the Sunday so so far ther has not been that much babysitting I am however doing a lot more with the kids and,I do enjoy the time spent ...I really enjoy it

I am putting her first because I believed that this would help ...would make a difference ....if i stop putting her first then will she not think we'll he does not want to make,things right ?

I thought that if I spent however doing all the things she wanted me to do during the M then she would think .....he has change...

I am scared that this really is over and I do not know WTF I am going to do....

Ok so tomorrow she wants to go and see her sisters she is taking my 3 Youngest children with her I was thinking on going up with her but feel that I should perhaps just let her go in her own ...my only reservation is duriing our M one of the W concern was I put others in front of H and that she might feel nothing has changed

It's going to be a long road ahead

Thanks for everything

Gary

[Fogg]

Thank you for being harsh ....I actually do need this and a good kick up the backside will do me no harm

Ok I am a thinker ...I ponder things and then think how I can make things right

My job as a driving instructor is all about finding solutions to people's problems this is all I do all day

Something many of think early on is that if we do x,y,z the right way, then W will come back. This just isnt the case at all. While you can influence her to come back by DB'ing, she may still never come back. You could do everything possible right and it might mean nothing in terms of you two getting back together. Its mostly out of your control and you have to accept you may have to move on without her in your life.

I do realise that I cannot fix her and that she has to do this I guess in the past when we nearly split I was able to ....talk her arround

I went down to Devon for a few days with the kids gave her some space and all she did was fill her day with plans out with mates for lunch and then clubbing in the evening

I have been out a couple of evenings with a friend but did end up talking to him about the situation ...not helpful

My W said that she would go out on a Saturday night and I could go out on the Sunday so so far ther has not been that much babysitting I am however doing a lot more with the kids and,I do enjoy the time spent ...I really enjoy it

I am putting her first because I believed that this would help ...would make a difference ....if i stop putting her first then will she not think we'll he does not want to make,things right ?

Still thinking in terms of what you think she wants you to do instead of what shes told you what she wants. She wants you to understand you two are no longer together. The only thing she can think later on if you do what SHE WANTS right now is "nice, hes accepted what I wanted or $hit, hes accepted what I wanted". Either way it was her choice, she cant place that back on you. She might try, but it would just be manipulation and her trying to remove her own guilt.

I thought that if I spent however doing all the things she wanted me to do during the M then she would think .....he has change...

Before DB that would have been great, now not so much. Time and a place. You can do some of these things if they don't come off as full pursuit (which is whats happening now). Focus on the things shes said that don't directly relate to her.

For instance, say she complained you didn't rub her back. DONT go around offering her rubs every second she looks uncomfortable.

If she complained about you treating the kids better, DO treat the kids better.

You have to change for yourself using her complaints through the M but doing in a way that is respecting her choice to leave you. You dont have to agree or like shes leaving you, but you do have to respect her right to make that choice. You have to show her (through actions) you are changing for you and your own future and not just to get her back.

I am scared that this really is over and I do not know WTF I am going to do....

It is over, for right now. I understand how hard that is to accept, its something I'm still trying to process. That I may have to continue my life without my W. It takes time to accept this and even longer to not feel any pain from it. Focus on you and the day to day moving forward and in time you will get to a place where you can move on without her, if that's what happens.

Ok so tomorrow she wants to go and see her sisters she is taking my 3 Youngest children with her I was thinking on going up with her but feel that I should perhaps just let her go in her own ...my only reservation is duriing our M one of the W concern was I put others in front of H and that she might feel nothing has changed

Did she ask you to come? If not theres no reason for you to go.

It's going to be a long road ahead

Yep, but trust this process and you will be great in the end. Like me, I think you have lots to discover about yourself and those changes will come in time if you let them. You are going to learn so much about who you are and what you are capable of in life.

Thanks for everything

Gary

[Azzork]

Ok I am a thinker ...I ponder things and then think how I can make things right

Fine. But clearly the things YOU think are going to work in your favor just aren't. You need to adjust your frame of reference from trying to make your wife happy to trying to attract a girl that isn't into you. A lot of thought is necessary for this process. But if you are thinking the wrong way, you just can't make progress.

I do realise that I cannot fix her and that she has to do this I guess in the past when we nearly split I was able to ....talk her arround

Once the perceived pain of leaving is lower than the pain in staying, change happens.

I went down to Devon for a few days with the kids gave her some space and all she did was fill her day with plans out with mates for lunch and then clubbing in the evening

I have been out a couple of evenings with a friend but did end up talking to him about the situation ...not helpful

You can't try to GAL for HER. It just has to be for you. For you to have fun and regain your confidence and improve yourself, you need to be able to have times where you just don't think about all of the awfulness going on around you for an hour or two. If you can do that with the kids , fine. But it's so critical to get time off.

I am putting her first because I believed that this would help ...would make a difference ....if i stop putting her first then will she not think we'll he does not want to make,things right ?

I thought that if I spent however doing all the things she wanted me to do during the M then she would think .....he has change...

You HAVE GOT to stop thinking of her as your wife. That's really all there is to it. She is now a girl that you like that is not that into you. The more you chase and chase after her, the more she will try to run away from you. I KNOW it's counter intuitive. I know. Your focus should be on you and your kids.

I am scared that this really is over and I do not know WTF I am going to do....

Are you sitting down?

Are you?

I'm going to let you in on a secret. It's ALREADY over. The marriage you cherish is over.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

That doesn't mean that you and your W can't start a new marriage that could be even BETTER than the one you had. But you have to come to grips that you will never have THAT marriage again. And the sooner you realize that, the better off you will be.

Now, what are you going to do? Hopefully, you can learn from all the people here trying to help you. You can get a life. You can become the person you want to be. Then, who knows. You may not even want your wife back after all of that!

It's going to be a long road ahead

Buckle up.