Signing the Big D - What to do Next?

[PigPen]

Wow, Pink that's really heavy stuff. It seems like your H is in a very bad place emotionally. I'm so sorry you're having to interact and take your S's to such a person. You may have love in your heart for him, but I would imagine being around him is contributing to your feelings of craziness.

What can you do to try to ground and center yourself? Can you reach out to anyone else in your life? Meditation? Fitness?

That's a whole bunch to deal with. My heart goes out to you.

PP

[Calibri]

Hi Pink,

Even though I haven't been posting, I have been reading threads - and I always keep an eye out for yours.

I am concerned about XH's behavior. It sounds like he's close, very close to hitting rock bottom. There could be many things going on: depression, mental illness, MLC, brain tumor (rare - but who knows), anything.

i would suggest googling and seeing if your city has a mobile crisis unit. They're usually affiliated with hospitals, Mibile Crisis Units have trained mental health professionals who will come to people's homes and do psychiatric evaluations, checkups, etc - for people who are in crisis. This tends to be a good alternative for individuals who are opposed of going to hospitals, therapists, etc. The team can evaluate and refer people to therapists, or other alternatives if necessary. If things are bad - they work In Conjunction with the police to get people help that they need be it 72 psychiatric holds or what not.

I am glad that you have notified his parents but my heart aches for you and the position you are in. It is tough seeing a loved one in crisis. You may feel like you are responsible for getting him help, or what not. It's tough. I hope that his family and friends will band together and support him in his time of need.

Make sure you take care of yourself - especially if your husband is ill. Having dealt with this not only with my biological father but my husband as well - situations like these can wear down on you quickly. Know that you cannot fix your husband, but you can support it, (should you choose), in whatever manner that he will allow.

Take care of yourself. I will be thinking of you.

[Pink17]

Hi PP, thanks for your kind words. It's indeed a very tough situation but I decided that this is time to put aside all my anger and resentment.

Last year I noticed that I was going in a spiral reaction getting myself into a deep hole. So, I got myself some ADs, an IC that I see almost every week since then, a group of friends that talk to me every single day.

I also follow the advices from this forum, I exercise, go out with friends, I dance, I am doing new things sometimes, I am organizing my life as a single mum, my finances and so on.

I feel centered even when I have a million reason to just loose it all. I guess it is also part of my personality to be a survivor. I am a very resilient person, and in time of crises that's when I get calmer.

Hi Cali, I remember all what you went through with your H and how painful it was for you to see his struggle during that time.

July 26th will be my BD anniversary. At that time, XH was doing some yoga ninjitsu kind stuff, said that he was in peace with himself because he knew it was time for him to move on.

I remember how powerful he was feeling to make such a decision to end his M, have a GF, get a promotion in his work, all that combined seemed so perfect for him. I was the only problem in his life and he decided to get rid of me.

After a year and now I see that decided man in a million pieces, without even the desire to live anymore. Talking about ending it all and how much he is contemplating death.

Right now, I feel that there is no room for grudges, resentment, anger towards him. I tried very hard to think that he is a big boy that makes big decisions, that he was calculating every move and even could take advantage on me financially.

But I can't see this man, what I see is someone very unbalanced. I am convinced now that XH is very ill, his depression got to a point of desperation and his talking about death is a big cry for help.

I have decided to at least try to support him in order for him to get professional help. I understand our M is over, we even have court date on 8/5 to get the judge final take on our legal separation agreement and it may be all done.

I am conscious that he may never come back to our M, but I want to see him better. I am really sad to see a person that I care deeply in such suffering. I get angry with him, but I do not wish any harm or bad things to him.

My plan is to sit down with him this weekend and try my best to get his heart to understand he needs professional help.

Regarding mental health, I live in a Boulder area and we are fortunate that this area is very well organized and there are all the support we need. If XH gets worse, there are help he can get. My IC gave me a lot of information on how to handle things in case of crisis.

I just hope he can accept my help and support and will take himself to a professional that can help him.

Again, thanks for all the support you guys give me. Please, forgive me for being so selfish, I know I have not been able to help others in this board at this moment because I do not have much time right now. I think that somehow things will change and everything will be resolved, then I can help someone else.

Love,
Pink

[rd500]

Hi Pink. You are doing the right thing for H. I know I have been like a broken record about your H realising what he's done but reading your posts the last few months I think it's very clear he's lost and it's now hitting him what he's losing.

Depression is a very sly illness and creeps up on people so a lot the time they don't recognise it until it' has them in its grip.

You cannot do this alone Pink , H's family must be involved When you have your talk with him please try to have another member of his family with you. This man needs help and you are a fantastic lady to stand by him

Pink. Please take the next words as I mean them , Your H is a big boy , he needs help and you have stood by him through all this and your there for him again BUT you can only do so much , H has to help himself also If he doesn't get help after all this , you cannot be responsible for his actions Pink is doing all she can and we all see that. H needs professional help and only H can accept this help

Im so sorry for you and your boys going through this and seeing their dad in this way Please take care of yourself and them at this really tough time

I hope for your family this is a turning point for H and he gets the help to bring him back to the real world

My thoughts are with you and your boys at this time and I'm sending positive thoughts to your H

Take care special lady. Rd. xxxx

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, I'm sorry to hear your H is in a bad way. I partly agree with RD, in that he is a grown man and will seek help if he needs it. That said, one of my own worst fears is not being there for my H when he needs it and him taking his own life. It's an irrational fear I know, and perhaps stems from previous experience with my brother.

I read recently that middle age men are actually in a higher risk group than young men in terms of suicide. I think there is only so much you can do for your H. But to me it seems reasonable to say that whilst you accept the M may be over, you are concerned for how unhappy he seems in himself, and encourage him to see his doctor.

If he is in MLC, it is possible that he is coming out of the replay stage into depression. Or it may be that facing the end of your M is difficult and he is finding it hard to cope with that.

The only thing I would say is that - alongside concern for him, you need to have concern for you. So, please remain aware that he may not have much to offer you right now, and try not to cross the line from 'concerned friend' into 'wife.'

I think you are right to try and do the right thing by him though. Whilst our spouses have put many of us through a great deal, we love them and don't want to see them in difficulty. Good luck Pink, and I hope you have a lovely weekend xx

[Pink17]

Thanks RD and Toots, you both have been following my journey since the beginning and know that I have been working on myself and to some degree my detachment.

H is not someone to be with right now and maybe in months to come. Right now it is not about R, it's about a H, but it's about a human being.

I always said that I am a faithful person and I believe in God. With that said, it's easy for me to think it is my call, that I got it from the Holy Spirit and hear my call to help him now.

H does not have any family here, everyone is far away. He also does not have many friends, his fault but non of less he is on his own, no one is there for him. Maybe that is why it is so hard to disconnect and feel right about what he is doing.

It's hard but somehow he is making it a little easier for me since this is not the man I want to be with. The H I got married years ago is a different person.

Today, I was home when he came to pick up the kids for his company picnic. H told me some story that happen to him earlier today. He met some homeless guy in his way to get some coffee in the morning and this man told him that no matter how hard it is right now, that things will be resolved and he will be OK.

H told me this in tears, said that it touched his heart and made him feel better. IDK, but all what I see is him trying to convince himself that he will be alright when the truth is that he is just living in his roller coaster of emotions.

I feel good tough. Maybe even better because my decision to help the person the did hurt me the most. It's healing for me.

And in this journey I feel I have a lot to learn yet. Never tough about all of what is happening, but this is my reality now and I will embrace it.

Maybe once I get H back to his own self, I decide to take that vacation to Ireland and have some time out riding bikes and drinking a cold beer with RD. Not bad uhn?

Love you guys and tomorrow night when I meet H, I will be thinking about all your advices and hold strong to all the love you offer me. You are the best.

Love,
Pink

[Vanilla]

Pink

I have kept quiet until I considered what I wanted to say and I am sure others are going to disagree with me.

Your XWH sacked you as his wife, and yes I understand he is the father of your boys. He is not your WH any longer, he decided his route. I do not think it's your job to rescue xWH. The best you can do is point him to resources.

Sweetness, xWH is in a cheese less tunnel of his own making, point him to resources sure but it's his OPs job to help him. He needs help if he hits rock bottom, of course he does.

Pink, I do not think you can get xWH back to what he was, that is his job for himself with professional help. If you consult IC can you talk this through as it worries me for you to try this or even think of it? Does Pink want to be xWH nurse or his W?

You can still stand for you and the principles of your M. There is nothing in your xWH which indicates he wants to piece and is remorseful. Whatever you decide Pink you have my support as always.

You are a kind and generous soul and I think you should concentrate on yourself and your boys in this. They come first and will need all your energy if what you suspect is true.

Emphasise with xWH yes, sympathise possibly, intercede if necessary to get him help, bail or nurse him please reconsider. There is the possibility that this can go badly and then Pink could be hurt in one way or another.

Hugs

V

[Pink17]

Hi V,

Your words are the same words of my IC. He worries that I will be moving backwards and cancel some months of progress achieved from my hard work on myself.

He also fear that in H state of mind right now, he will be manipulative since he also knows me well and knows how to push my buttons.

He is not sure that I am as strong and detached as he would like me to be in order to help someone that is involved emotionally with me.

All that said. It is not favorable to speak with XH. When I spoke with XH today, I told him I do not want to talk about R, M or D. And that is how I intend to keep. I will try my best to convince him to seek professional help but that is it.

If he accept, I will give him all the resources he can chose from to get the help he needs. I can even accompany him at his first appointment to give him some courage.

If he does not accept, I will call his family again, explain what happen and ask them to take care after him because it is out of my hands then.

I really want to move on with my life and I am doing it already. I had a meeting with my company's director to position my full time position in august, salary, healthy benefits, 401K and so on. Now, I also have a choice to stay at this work or look for something better if I may fit.

I also have the real financial numbers and I can sit with a few banks to discuss my options in terms of refinancing my house in 12 months. I have a budget set up in place and I am not worry I won't have money tomorrow.

My kids have been smiling more and are looking at life with a little more easy. I believe that the conversation about budget was a plus with them because it took some of their fear away.

V, my emotions can take the best of myself sometimes, but I am also a cold heart when I need to be. Life is hard and my hasn't been easy at all. But this same life thought me to be resilient, have endurance in hard times.

And last but not least, I will do this for myself. I want to move on knowing that I did not leave anything undone. I do not want to regret tomorrow. I will do what I can today, stand my head tall and follow my heart next.

This way I will be myself, I am an honest and caring person. I am an open book and the pages I had hidden somewhere, are all open right now. I have nothing to hide, to be ashamed, I am clean and have a clean heart. No regrets, no sorrow, no shame, no nothing to hold me back.

One day, if there will be someone else in my life, I will have the opportunity to deal with love for a man, with trust, giving myself to someone else. Right now, it is not in my schedule, so I won't worry about this. One day...

You know I love and respect your words, I know your wounds speak words of wisdom to protect someone. I will take your words with me and make them my guide to keep myself as a distant supporter, a kind friend.

Love you lots V, Thank You!!!
Pink

[Sotto]

Hi lovely P. I would think carefully about your IC's words and be mindful of them in anything you decide to do. I'm particularly concerned about your H's potentially suicidal comments, and agree that you may want to take due steps to support him, given your long history together and that he is father of your kids.

However, I think you need to question your own motives for wanting to take these steps right before you D. Do you at some level feel - if only he realised he were depressed and would see an IC, perhaps we could still save our M? If you are in any way feeling that - I worry you would be setting yourself up for disappointment, as I don't see him being at the stage where he can maturely introspect and move positively forward in a R with you.

I was also concerned at your plan to accompany him to an IC appointment? To me, that is the kind of thing a W would do, and not someone who is about to D. IF you are really concerned, perhaps you could offer to drive him to an appt and then go get yourself a coffee. But that is the most I would do.

So, I think the message from all posters seems to be - proceed with caution. Yes, offer some support appropriate to the circumstances. However, remain clearly aware of your own motives and only offer assistance from a place of compassionate detachment.

Just my thoughts for what they are worth sweetheart. Good luck with whatever you do decide to do. xx

[jim0987]

Hi Pink,

I see how difficult things must be for you and in some many ways. I wish there was something that i can do to help.

In some ways I agree entirely with everything that V, RD and Toots have said even if that sounds contradictory.

Your XH is lost and desperately sad. He is also manipulative and source of great pain to you Pink and your boys. He is also a grown man, capable of making his own decisions and own choices, as you well know from the damage he has done.

Crucially he is not your responsibility.

Forget he is their father - if anyone else upset your boys in the way he does, how would you feel about that?

But he is your boys father, and your XH and from what I know of you from your posts, you still love him and wouldn't wish him any harm.

There is a balance to be had and i feel it involves his family, no matter the distance. He wont listen to you (or he's trying to manipulate you) either way, you arent the one who can help him. and you need to be there for yourself and your boys and you can't do that if you take on XH's pain.

His family needs to help him, you need to tell them what you know and you need to explain that you cannot help. And if he is upset that you involve his family, well its not like he can divorce you a second time

Take care of yourself Pink. Until your XH is willing to take responsibility for himself and his life then you need to be free from his chaos - That is the key part of X.

I hope you had a good weekend

((((Pink))))