I suggest you read the "Newbie Rules" and laminate them and carry them in your pocket so you can
STOP PURSUING HER FOR NOW. Sorry to hit you with that but it's in bold b/c you are taking it in. We are all saying a lot of the same things but you are not "hearing" us. You need to hear us.
We don't have a secret weapon to fix all this. Looking back, I think that was sort of what I was searching for when I first came here.
However We do tend to know what does NOT work, and the things you can do that will make things worse. You are doing those negative behaviors too much.
2 Big No No's that hurt your chances of reconciling:
1) Pressuring the WAS to stay. This does not work AND worse, it often causes fighting and it always increases tension.
The more tension in the home, the more the WAS wants to flee;
2) Challenging the reasons for the WAS leaving; the more you challenge the choices the WAS is making, the more you force them to defend those choices, instead of genuinely examining them.
This tends to solidify their choices more, and rather than shaking their confidence, it often increases it. Of course it also creates tension, which doesn't help anyone.
Ghost, you need to get ^^this asap.
Originally Posted By: Ghost56
We have been sleeping in separate beds for the past 4 weeks she sleeps downstairs on a pull up bed she is finding it easier to detach from me because she is in a very different place than I am she had been feeling lonley for a long long time. IF she wants space, and she does, crowding her will only crowd her OUT.
It seems you have the belief that b/c she once wanted more time with you, NOW you should pretty much force that upon her. I disagree. At this stage, you need to show her that her needs are important b/c by ignoring her all those years and not spending time with her, you chose to do what you wanted to do.
If you insist on being with her now, when she has asked for space, you'll be doing more of the same in effect b/c it is what You want to do and Not what she has expressly stated as her wish...
and it'll push her farther away from you as well.
In short, it'll make things worse.
What makes it worse is that she is adamant that there is no going back
they all say that. Stop asking if she is sure and Stop telling her it's not what you want. She is only being adamant b/c she thinks you don't believe her.
She knows that you don't want this, so there's no use in repeating it again. Also, she's NOT going to admit to having any doubts (to you especially.). The more you ask her to reconsider, the LESS she is likely to do so.
Get your mojo back and be a little mysterious. Show her that you are a man with interests and friends and hobbies and work that mean something to you, that you are bringing something to the table, as they say.
If you don't feel that way, you may have to "fake it til you make it."
(For help with this^^, I urge you to watch 2 TED TALK videos on youtube about "Faking it til you Become it", by Amy Cuddy, and another one about positive thinking psychology by Shawn Achor. I think you'll get a lot out of them and they're short and entertaining.
We are cohabiting we cannot really afford to downscale Then you have the gift of TIME...time in which your changes will become more visible. That is a wonderful side effect of weight loss. Other changes are often More important...but few changes are as good for your health AND your appearance AND are so noticeable by a spouse.
No matter what she wants to believe about your "promised changes", if you lose a noticeable amount of weight, she will never be able to say you won't or can't change. The proof will be right in front of her.
At some level it has to make your other changes more believable. Kudos to you for getting in shape!
We are clearing the garage so we can move the home office to the garage and then she can make the home office a bed room How do people detach and move away from someone they love and someone that they have been with for 25 years and married for 17 years
Thanks Gary
The detaching did not happen as recently or as quickly as you think.
It happened over time, in some insidious ways that are hard to notice, along with ways you chose NOT to notice.
I've been there, so I'm not saying this with any judgement. I just do not know any women with children, who suddenly want out of a happy marriage without any warning or clues.
And in truth, you know this too. So Instead of asking "What happened??" And bemoaning the tragedy of it all, (which I did as well, for too long!!)
You need to BE HERE NOW, and get moving.
Learn from your mistakes, absolutely. But don't wallow in them. The chance you have of turning this thing around, lies in your ability to function well now, and behave in ways that help your cause.
Make sense?
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Example I have got most of the day off today and having been away for the weekend I would love for W and I to do something together
You have to get away from thinking of it as time together, its not anymore. Your M is gone, the sooner you realize this the better. I'm not saying this to be an ass or make you give up, but its just reality. It doesn't mean you will never be with her again but your stuck in this mode of being in a M and shes in the mode of having a roommate. Right now that is what you two are, roommates. Shes made it clear she wants to be single. Shes going to live it up for as long as she can and nothing you do will change that. Its out of your control, which is the reason we say to focus on you. What does your coach say about this?
How do I deal with the fact that I have the day off I see this as time ....time that I am not going to get back time that I feel I should spend with the W but she is at a different point to me
For me the only way I could stop seeing it as time together and realize our M was really over for now was to suffer, alot. W became vicious toward me when I began to discover she was having an EA and moving closer to a PA. I confronted what she was doing, she threatened to take the kids away if I didn't move out. I understand you will read this and think "this isn't the case with me" but don't underestimate what your S is capable of. I was basically broken down to the lowest point in my life where change was able to grab hold and stick forever(I hope).
If,I spend the day away from my W doing my things and leave her to do things she wants without me being there I still fail to see how this will bring us closer together
Your looking at doing things with/for her as what will get you closer to being together. What will get you closer to her is to change. To change you have to let her go and focus on you. This doesn't mean move on, just let go. Again, I feel like you might have talked about this with your coach, what did he advice you to do so far? If its distancing than you need to get out and GAL, don't be so available for her.
Her idea for today is for me to keep working on de cluttering the garage so we can move the office to the garage and then we can creat a bedroom in the old office for her ......not exactly my idea of a fun day spent with her and the 2 year old
Whos idea was this mostly, hers? I just worry she has you doing all these things and is basically living life up, no worries. You will continue to do them hoping and praying it brings you closer to her, you keep looking for those signs shes warming up and noticing your changes. Disappointment ahead because if anything does happen such as that, its not likely to be anytime soon. It will take much longer than you think.
I am going to find this extremely difficult any further help would really greatful
Thanks Gary
I have been reading along for a while and wanted to post before, I had another post wrote out but the browser messed up and I lost it. I notice alot of the same thoughts you have now that I had in the beginning. My W was also basically my high school sweetheart, which looks to be the case. I had issues with being there for W, spending time with the kids, doing my fair share of the chores and also had/have weight issues. One other thing that I feel might be useful since your so desperate to do something that will snap her back and looking at each day as that make all or break all to do it. This will take longer than you think and it may break you down also. It will be difficult. You will get advice on here from everyone and alot of it is great advice, but some of it (even when its very generic and time tested) may not work for you. Don't look at every bit of advice you get from all the posters (yes, even me) and think "if I don't do this I will lose W". Many of us share what may have worked for us, it may not work for you.
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
If,I spend the day away from my W doing my things and leave her to do things she wants without me being there I still fail to see how this will bring us closer together
Fogg pretty well nailed it. Read that post a few times.
But, to add, specifically on this. It isn't really that simple. It isn't like if you go to the movies today, your W is going to jump into your arms when you get home.
Think about how you are acting in your relationship with your W right now. Stop me if any of these adjectives aren't right (and I know - I was there) - needy, clingy, over helpful, overnbearing, over interested, mopey, desperate.....and so on.
Ok, now think about if a girl acted like that towards you in say high school. Would you want to DATE that girl? Would you be ATTRACTED to that girl?
So before you have a chance to work on your marriage, you have to fix all that about you. You need to REATTRACT her. The trouble is that change is slow (glacially so). And it's a process. And the first STEP is GAL. How can you possibly change if you're still running your life through your W and are all consumed by your M? You CANT.
SO ITS TIME TO REBUILD THE GHOST THAT ORIGINALLY ATTRACTED YOUR W TO YOU. or hell, an even better one.
Make sense?
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Examine your actions my friend. You are still in full pursuit mode. You will continue to push her away. Take the wedding ring off. You know what you need to do. You just have to put words to action. I promise you that she will notice and react. Remember believe NONE of what she says and half of what she does. You act like you are moving forward with your life without her. Do not let her actions effect yours. If she goes out on Saturday you tell her "Have a great time!". Do not question where she is going or who she is going with. Do not ask her about it when she returns.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
Sharing the same house is both a blessing and a curse.
It definitely is. You have the opportunity to have positive interactions with W. She can observe any changes.
But detaching is harder. And she does not get to see what life us realty like without you, which seems fundamental in some cases.
Yes you need to spend time not with W. But when you are with her you need to be the best you possible. Never cold. Good luck.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Please can any of you give me your thoughts on the following
Today my W came up to me to discuss a post that my sister had put onto facebook that had upset her I told her that my sister has he own views but if they were upsetting you then I would speak to her and I would remove th post if that as what she wanted me to do
I told her that her feelings were more important than my sisters (not sure if I should have said this)
She said to me it is tough for her as well and basically went on to say that 3 years ago if she had not fell preginant then she would have left me then but she gave it another go for the sake of the baby.
She said that by splitting up ....our relationship has got better because we are not arguing and the kids are happier and that she knows whilst we are split up that I cannot hurt her and if I ever do anything to hurt her or the children again then she will sell the house
So she will not get back together as I feel she can hold this over me for their happiness for ever
I said she does not need the do this as i know I will not hurt her again but she does not believe me
I give up I will just find things to do with my time ...might start i jujitsu again
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Please can any of you give me your thoughts on the following
Today my W came up to me to discuss a post that my sister had put onto facebook that had upset her I told her that my sister has he own views but if they were upsetting you then I would speak to her and I would remove th post if that as what she wanted me to do
I told her that her feelings were more important than my sisters (not sure if I should have said this)
She said to me it is tough for her as well and basically went on to say that 3 years ago if she had not fell preginant then she would have left me then but she gave it another go for the sake of the baby.
She said that by splitting up ....our relationship has got better because we are not arguing and the kids are happier and that she knows whilst we are split up that I cannot hurt her and if I ever do anything to hurt her or the children again then she will sell the house
So she will not get back together as I feel she can hold this over me for their happiness for ever
I said she does not need the do this as i know I will not hurt her again but she does not believe me
I give up I will just find things to do with my time ...might start i jujitsu again
Why have another R talk? If you burn your hand a stove 17 times, do you need to try an 18th time?
Tell her if she's upset with your sister to go talk to her.
