if it's too late why is he still here?

[mahhhty]

Lost I just got the DB Newsletter email. I think it's a perfect reinforcement for you. You are at the crossroad it describes.

Hi,

The unthinkable happened.

Your spouse told you that he or she wants out. What you do next can have a profound impact on whether or not your marriage survives.

And unfortunately, doing what comes naturally can create a natural disaster- the ending of your marriage. That's because the most logical things to do when your spouse wants out is also the most ineffective and destructive.

In fact, if you continue doing these 3 things, you will inadvertently make matters worse. Want to know what they are?


1. Beg, plead and cry.

Although it's completely understandable how you would feel devastated by the news, when you beg, plead and cry, you push your spouse in the opposite direction.

All he or she wants to do is get away from you. Your spouse feels pressured, cornered and trapped. Plus, you appear to be desperate, which isn't very attractive. For all these reasons, you must stop this behavior.

2. Reason and debate.

Your spouse isn't making any sense. He or she has completely forgotten any good times you've had together. Your spouse is unhappy and you are to blame. Or so it seems.

It's tempting to try to reason or debate with your partner, but doing so will only force him or her to take a stronger stand to prove the point.

You might also want to send articles that capture what is happening in your marriage and offer new insight. Don't bother. It will only annoy your spouse. You have to stop persuading him or her to be more open-minded.

3. Make promises about the future.

Chances are, you want your spouse to know that you can change; you can truly make an effort to become the person your spouse has been wanting you to be.

Don't bother.

Right now your spouse isn't open to hearing what he or she thinks are empty promises. Plus, your spouse will feel manipulated, believing you would make changes to lure him or her back into the fold and slip back into your old ways as soon as that would happen.

Additionally, your spouse will get angry because he or she will be thinking, "Where were you when I needed you? This is too little, too late."

If any of this sounds familiar to you, it means that you have found yourself doing things that have backfired. That's completely understandable.

It's time to reverse the momentum. It's time to do the counter-intuitive things that bring you and your spouse closer. If you haven't already, you need to start today.

Warmly,

Michele

[lost18]

Just a quick note to thank you guys as usual. Was out of town with D13 for a tournament this weekend so haven't had a chance to respond but have read and re-read your posts.

I'm kicking myself for starting that conversation, I wasn't prepared and certainly did not handle it well. Very little if any validating, but did try to justify myself...ugh. Nothing I can do about it now.

I have been reading labug's thread from the beginning. It took her 2.5 years to R and much of that time with no contact. She did a lot of self-reflection and growing. I've definitely done some self-reflecting but have a lot more growing.

I'm leaving in 2 days and will not have continuous access to internet/computer so may not post too much but will be reading. It's time for a new thread and a fresh start anyway.

[mahhhty]

Good luck and have fun!

[RAI]

Losty? You there? Just checking in.

RAI

[mahhhty]

Vacation has to be over by now? If not, I need a vacation like that.

[mahhhty]

Vacation has to be over by now? If not, I need a vacation like that.

[mahhhty]

How about a quick post?

[job]

As Cadet would say, please start a new thread.

[lost18]

Will be home tomorrow and will start a new thread soon!!

[mahhhty]

LOST! This is the longest vacation ever! Enjoy.