Separated...and working on it

[Cristy]

Diana,

You certainly have a lot on your plate!

You clearly have a heart of gold taking in everyone, their stuff and the furry family. I'm glad you are recognizing how important it is to take care of YOU.

There is much that can be done to get things moving in a more positive direction. Call me and we could work something out regarding the pricing for the DB coaching.

Regards,
Cristy

[Di-mond]

Thank you again for the offer Cristy. For now I have to decline. H and I are scheduled for MC with a new counsellor for this Wednesday. Those sessions are covered by my insurance through my employer. For now that will have to suffice.

[Di-mond]

Just a bit of journaling:

Took two trailer loads out of the house yesterday. One of furniture that I'm re-homing to my BFF's house ( she has 5 teens living in her house and extra furniture is always needed there). One was a dump run for garbage. Loaded up the trailer with more garbage yesterday and doing another dump run today. Going through the loft in the garage this afternoon to get more stuff out to sell (patio furniture, camping equipment, etc.) I'm sore and my body is aching. I know I shouldn't over-do it because of my health problems, but his needs to be done. Every load that goes out of here is a weight off my shoulders.

My H came by between lessons for half an hour. It was nice to see him, since he had beenout of town since Monday. I do love him, but really don't crave to spend time with him like I used to. I don't make plans or initiate getting together. In fact the two nights he has spent at the house since BD have felt uncomfortable. Don't think I will offer for him to stay the night again. I have accepted the fact that he will probably not be of much help in getting the house ready to sell.

On a brighter note, my son came by yesterday. Even tough things are still strained we did talk about our future plans. He is still wanting to move in with my mother and brother and live in the loft apartment above the garage and he wants to take the 3 male cats with him. We will see if that happens or not. Can't worry about that too much until the house is ready to go on the market.

Not much planned for the weekend. Garage sale Saturday and Sunday. Monday evening I would like to go to a new meditation group I've been following on the meet-up site. Still waiting to hear from the disability co-ordinator about getting more time off from work. Again, not worrying about it until I hear from her.

[Vanilla]

From an earlier post between Diana and V on burdens, quotes removed to make viewing easier for V!

"Burned out" to me means hat I don't want to do anything for anyone, including myself. GAL is hard when I'm feeling like that and I have to really do a lot of pep talking to myself to get myself motivated.

Let me give you an analogy if I may. Farmer Gg is busy with her crops, she buys a new thrashing machine to cut and bale the lovely hay and lay it down. At the end of the season she services the machine, replaces it's faded parts, has new tyres, oil and blades. She looks after the machine, cleans it and gets it ready for the new harvest, if she doesn't the machine breaks down, at the very time she needs it most, it fails her. Even if she presses the starter button (motivates it) it won't go. She makes a temporary fix and it works so she goes into full production again forgetting the fix is temporary. So it is with us, if we cease to service, rest, replenish eventually the temporary fix fails too, then the machine needs more than routine maintaining. (Analogy in honour of That sassy farmer Greengrass who is great at servicing things especially kick ass red heels !)

My burdens. There are a lot!!!

Indeed they are, but are they really your burdens? Or are they those you have taken on? Can we ask why Diana chooses to take others burdens? Is she afraid others will say "Diana is very mean, she won't take on my burden?" Or it because Diana needs those burdens to feel wanted and loved?

My house: It is my house, it has always been my house. Many people have come and gone and lived in my house. None ever helped pay for the house. My fault, I thought being kind and taking people in was the right thing to do, but it would have been kinder to them and me if they would have paid their way.

Diana, this is true but you chose this. It is a choice I have made too on occasion and on occasion not. There are two thoughts here, firstly this isn't a black and white thing entirely. You may not be paid in financial terms but you can be paid in other ways, by others gardening, reciprocating, sharing, helping and giving you company etc. that is valid when others temporarily don't have the resources or have difficult circumstances, it's called being a Christian or a Good Samaritan. When others do have the resources and they don't contribute then we are taking from them their personal power and at the same time either relinquishing control or giving them control. This isn't useful to either party. I have a friend whose 42 year old son lives in her house and he behaves like a 15 year old, she calls him 'my baby boy'.

So, the house is being cleaned out of everyone's stuff. I'm being pretty ruthless. If it has been in my basement for years and they have not bothered to get their stuff it is going in the trash.

I am truly loving this, take care that valuables are secured, otherwise go girl.


I will get his house fixed up and ready to sell. I have some equity that will help me start a new life.

Even better, keep up the momentum. Diana I want for you that you do not restart the cycle in a new place and at a new time. I am going to ask you a tough question " do you think that by hanging on to other people's stuff and taking on their burdens that you are trying to hang on to them? Do you sense that if you don't you may loose them, their affection or love? Would you feel abandoned.?

As you declutter and clear are you sensing that you are resisting, slowing down, rationalising? I say this because recently I cleared my WH and his hoard from my home and by doing so I felt initially abandoned and then as I recognised it, worked through my fear, exhilarated. I even sped up the process because I wanted it finished, I hired a storage unit and put his stuff in it. I think this is what I recognised in your story, the burden of 'stuff' and nonsense.

My illness (Scleroderma): It is my burden. I educate myself about treatments and tests. I do have an uphill battle ahead of me with my work's disability department.

I felt I needed to research your illness, which is why it has taken me a little time to reply to you, I have a little more to ponder on. I am not one of those people who believes that our physiology completely determines our psychology but more that some illness affects our state of being, our wellness. There is much I need to think about and I will reflect further before I have 'foot in mouth syndrome'. If it's ok, then I will seek some more answers before responding.

They want me to go back to work. I know that I will never be able to do the work I did for 17 years without crippling myself.

At this point please don't prejudge that doing X will definitely cause Y. In this case 'crippling' , when your life burdens are lightened then a great deal of restrictions will be gone. In due course can we discuss if the monkey on the back also applies in your work environment?


I will fight them and already have the number of a top notch lawyer that has taken on my employer before. Btw...I built cars for a living for one of the top import car manufacturers. The days of installing tires, front windshields, dashboards are over for me.

I will in due course refer you to a TED talk, but I am not quite ready to make my case, this is because my thoughts are still a little jumbled. The young man giving the TED tallk was blinded by a firework whilst very young, his employer permitted him to employ a 'pair of eyes' paid for out of his salary. This strategy would be a 'pair of arms' for you.

It [censored], since I was only 10 years away from retiring with a full pension.

Clearly your employer wants you to stay as you are so gifted. Think of this time as a sojourn. A break for the time being, some bridges once burned can't be unturned. I sense you haven't decided on a course yet so makes sense to me your strategy here of deferral of a decision.

But if I stay for 10 more years I will be crippled or dead.

I am concerned very deeply by these thoughts, in case they are a belief. In which case whether you work or not, this may cause self sabotage. I think it's important to rethink this one, and I would dearly love you to discuss this train of thought with an IC in case you are railroading yourself into a corner you can't get out of easily. Our subconscious can bring about our deepest fears, it thinks it's providing a service to us, I would dearly love you to have life and wellness affirming beliefs. This may be connected to the clearing that is going on in your life and replacing tangible burdens and thoughts about those with hearth burdens instead, my only pause on this is that the illness seems to have triggered some physical cleanse in your environment. But I think this might be worth IC Perhaps your MC might add an extra half hour here and there as IC?. I sense it's important for you.

On a brighter note, my BFF is big time into naturopathy. She has been helping me with supplements and vitamins as well as meditation and healing touch. I have her in my corner no matter what. My mother as well is much more sympathetic and does quite a bit of research for me.

An area I think we can explore more and IRL support like this is like gold.

My animals: Tough one!!! The Guineas have been re-homed to a wonderful young lady. She takes great care of them and sends me pictures once in a while. Funny thing is that I know her grandfather and have him on FB. She and her mom added me and I can keep up with what the Guinea boys are doing through there. My H, whose Guineas they were in the first place does not even ask about them. Kinda sad! My dog, I have had her for almost 11 years, since she was 8 weeks old. I want to keep her with me, but am accepting the fact that she might be better off living at my moms instead of an apartment with me. My dogs sister lived there until Christmas when she passed away. She has spent quite a bit of time having sleep-overs at Grandmas house. My mom also thinks it would be a good idea. My oldest cat has to come with me. She is a loner and very attached to me as I am attached to her. My problem kitty belongs to my son. He brought home the cat 6 years ago, but didn't take him with him when he left the house 2 years ago. I did make my son pay for all his vet bills throughout the years. My son and I are at odds right now, because I would not let him, his GF and her son flop at my house anymore. My son couch surfs between his GF's house, his buddy's and my moms house. He will not take responsibility for his cat, but my mom has agreed to take him. She has 13 acres and he would have the life of a pampered indoor/ outdoor cat. That leaves 3 more cats. One is my momma cat that a friend of my sons left behind when he lived at my house and then moved without her. My daughter has bonded with her and she will take care of her. That leaves my two boys. I still call them kittens, even tough hey are almost 5 years old and huge. They are absolute sweethearts and both very loving and clean. I have had them since the day they were born. I don't want to part with them. I have thought about re-homing them with a healthy incentive to whomever takes them and a clause that they have to give updates and give them back to me if they can't keep them. Still not sure about what to do there.

I believe you should do what is best for the animals concerned whilst freeing yourself as much as possible.

My stuff: I couldn't care less about my furniture or belongings. I just want to take the basics. Couch, coffee table, beds, a dresser each, the TV's (2), the computers. I have my collection of lady bugs in 2 boxes already. My D and I have pared down our clothes to maybe a quarter of what we had before. We are trying to sell as much as we can (clothes and furniture) and are giving away/donating/trashing what we can't.

I am really liking this. One of the big contentions between myself and WH was the amount of 'stuff' WH had, in cupboards, on shelves, in drawers etc. including clothes. WH had 140 pairs of men's underpants, all the same type. WTF? And 230 pairs of socks. Many of them old and threadbare. As WH stuff grew so the space for me diminished and I felt diminished. The more I cleared the more WH stored. I am not short on stuff either but I don't keep broken items or have threadbare socks or worn out shoes. In fact I have a couple of funny stories about disposal of old items, and the look of surprise on the recyclers face when I unloaded. He actually asked me if I cleared houses for a living!

I am wondering if this might be a factor for your WAH, is there room for me? Again I may be projecting for him. If you like my position was more like your WAH position on stuff. Do you think you might be a hoarder, but in this case hoarding others burdens and stuff more than your own? If so is this compulsive, could it emerge again? Is there strategies and management you can do to stop it if that is the case? Another question for IC I think.

My vehicles: One car I will keep. One car goes back at the end of October to the lease company. The motorcycle I am selling in the next few weeks. As much as I would like to keep it, I need the money and I don't want to worry about moving it in the fall when I move. I can always buy another one next spring.

Stay lean and mean! It's your livihood (vehicle refurb) too, so you could get great joy in this choice next spring if you choose.

My future: I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I want to do for the rest of my working career. I try not to dwell on it too much. I have asked the universe to guide me. I am leaning towards something to do with animals. I have always said that if I won the lottery I would open an animal sanctuary. I will do research and see what kind of courses are available in animal care.

It is going to be exciting to see this unfold. You are clearly a talented lady. I will enjoy discussing this.

My H: He is no longer my burden. He has to take care of himself.

I think so.

Ok, now this a long post. I have to wrap it up since I promised my brother I would check in on his dogs while he is at work.

I feel this illustrates my earlier point!

[Di-mond]

V,

I've been eagerly awaiting some insight from you.
There is a lot to take in.
I will get back to this later today and ponder a few things.
This afternoon my daughter and I are taking a load to the dump and cleaning out the garage.

[Di-mond]

2 days of garage sale, more stuff out of the house. I just wish I could move faster on selling this house, but it will be ready to go when it's ready to go. Now to get back to V. This will take a bit.

[Di-mond]

Let me give you an analogy if I may. Farmer Gg is busy with her crops, she buys a new thrashing machine to cut and bale the lovely hay and lay it down. At the end of the season she services the machine, replaces it's faded parts, has new tyres, oil and blades. She looks after the machine, cleans it and gets it ready for the new harvest, if she doesn't the machine breaks down, at the very time she needs it most, it fails her. Even if she presses the starter button (motivates it) it won't go. She makes a temporary fix and it works so she goes into full production again forgetting the fix is temporary. So it is with us, if we cease to service, rest, replenish eventually the temporary fix fails too, then the machine needs more than routine maintaining. (Analogy in honour of That sassy farmer Greengrass who is great at servicing things especially kick ass red heels cool !)

I get that I have to look after myself first and foremost. I can no longer put myself last, ever again. Whatever happens with my H, I have to be happy with myself and what I'm doing in life. Might just buy a pair of kick ass red heels myself. Lol

[Dawn70]

I found getting rid of stuff was a very cathartic process in the days and months following my divorce being final. I moved to a smaller home, which forced me to have to purge, so to speak. But, I purged things that HE picked and for some reason chose not to take. I really slashed stuff down and it felt good every time I loaded the back of my SUV up and hauled stuff to the local thrift store. It was a really good feeling.

I agree with your above analogy that you MUST take care of you. And by all means, buy those kick ass heels!!!!!!

[Di-mond]

[/color][color:#6600CC]Indeed they are, but are they really your burdens? Or are they those you have taken on? Can we ask why Diana chooses to take others burdens? Is she afraid others will say "Diana is very mean, she won't take on my burden?" Or it because Diana needs those burdens to feel wanted and loved?

[/color][color:#000000]

Oh yes, I did need those burdens to feel loved and wanted. I lived my life thinking that my happiness hinged on what I could do and provide for others. I'm not completely over that mind set, but again feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I could probably just keep everything the way it is ( house, children, animals) minus the H, but it wouldn't make me happy. Selling this house and finding a new career are purely selfish acts for me, but that is exactly what I need to do. Everyone else will just have to learn to deal with it.

[Di-mond]

Diana, this is true but you chose this. It is a choice I have made too on occasion and on occasion not. There are two thoughts here, firstly this isn't a black and white thing entirely. You may not be paid in financial terms but you can be paid in other ways, by others gardening, reciprocating, sharing, helping and giving you company etc. that is valid when others temporarily don't have the resources or have difficult circumstances, it's called being a Christian or a Good Samaritan. When others do have the resources and they don't contribute then we are taking from them their personal power and at the same time either relinquishing control or giving them control. This isn't useful to either party. I have a friend whose 42 year old son lives in her house and he behaves like a 15 year old, she calls him 'my baby boy'.

I gladly provided the financial means to keep this house for everyone. Yes, it would have been nice if the people that lived in this house would have picked up the slack for everything else. The maintenance, the gardening, the snow shovelling, etc. However, no one ever did. I still had to do 99% of the housework, yard work, vehicle maintenance, etc. It made me feel used! Since this seems to be an ongoing trend over the last 15 years, including not just my H and children, but various other people (x-h, x-sil, x-mil, various friends of my sons that lived with us) I have had to examine my role in it. I don't know if I put out the vibe "walk all over me", but whenever I have enforced boundaries people left. I guess I have some abandonment issues about that as well.