Need advice for a WW who left

[dwh15]

Thanks for the replies. It's not that I don't want WW home, but I know that right now, her mind is on OM. She's heart broken, and I can hear it in her voice. I can hear the pain. Funny, I thought I would be glad when this day came. Instead, I'm just sad. I care for her and hate to see her hurting. I'm under no illusion that she moves home and all is restored. Given any other reasonable alternative, I don't want her back in the house. I think it's unfair to the children and extremely unfair to me. We have enough space that she can sleep in a separate room, but that would make life extremely uncomfortable, and I'm worried would set all of us up for new heartbreak all over again, especially the kids. I can't even be sure that she wouldn't want to continue to pursuit the R with OM. It's obvious that she still has very strong feelings towards him, and he is the one putting on the brakes. I'll check with my attorney in the morning but I'm really hoping another solution presents itsself. I don't want her here but I don't want to have to be the one who tells her NO either.

[dwh15]

One last quick update. She texted me to say she made it OK to the friends house, which is around 2 hours away. I replied that I was glad she made it and reminded her she was not alone. I said we would figure something out. Then I told her to try and have a good night. She replied with an "I love u" and "It means ALOT". I don't read anything into it, other than she's scared to death and extremely emotional right now. I really don't know best way to proceed. It would have been so much easier if she had shown even an ounce of remorse, but I don't see anything other than sadness over the A ending.

[Vanilla]

Dwh the answer is inside of you, listen to your inner sane balanced voice. It will come to you in those quiet gentle moments of peace.

You will hear from your higher power when the emotional drama subsides in those seemingly vacant spaces. Listen to the love for yourself, your children and WW.

Breathe, let it unfold in time. That whispering voice is persistent in its call, just a moment of concentration to hear it.

V

[dwh15]

Thank you V. So I contacted attorney and confirmed that legally, I can keep WW out of the house. I'm the only one on the deed, and she left months ago and changed her mailing address. He said she may call the police but just to explain the situation and they would ask her to leave. I'm hoping it doesn't get that dramatic but prepared for anything.

Last I heard, she was driving back into town to talk with OM, so my guess is that they patch things up, at least temporarily. I'll know more in a few hours. I've decided I can't let her come back home, regardless of what happens today. She's not anywhere close to the right mindset, and it's not fair to me or the kids to have to deal with her drama. Her sister offered her a place to stay, and even though it's 2 hours away, that might be for the best right now. We can work out something on visitation with the kids. The rest she has to figure out on her own. I really wish things were different but I think the best way for me to help her and my family right now is to not help her. She needs to bottom out. Wish me luck.

[dwh15]

Well, as I figured, WW patched things up with OM. It's probably the easiest situation to handle right now, but I would be lying if I didn't admit part of me is disappointed. Was hoping maybe she would end it and be single for a while, giving the two of us at least a chance to rebuild. No way can that happen with OM in the picture. Sort of feeling down, but still resolved to keep moving forward.

[mahhhty]

dwh... I've read up on your situation, and I can see how much you want to help your WW. I can tell you are a nice guy and thoughtful and caring. I relate to this characteristics, as I think I have some of them (X would probably disagree though...).

For a first time post on your thread I may be speaking, harshly. I'm sorry but I am going to be the devil's advocate. I'd ask you to remember that the way you behave impacts how she behaves. Specifically, I see you as somewhat of an enabler. When she left and you were separated, you gave her money. When she called crying that her artificial world was crashing down you said "I replied that I was glad she made it and reminded her she was not alone. I said WE would figure something out." You consistently have the tone that you are still a team. Please remember you aren't. She left you and will use you to get what she wants. Hence the I LOVE YOU when she wanted back into the house. It truly is that simple.

Learn from Squiggy. He separated himself from his wife and laid boundaries, knowing that she needed to realize she contributed to the problem and show remorse for what has happened before coming back. His first major boundary was to discuss only issues related to their son. Second was to work with a lawyer to serve her D papers.

Your WW spends time with 2 of your boys, but what about the other 2. She leaves but then comes home whenever she requires something. You and that house are a tool for her to get what she wants. Nothing more. She will manipulate the situation and put the entire burden on you.

Please give some thought to progressing to a business like relationship with her, culminating in serving her D papers. When talking to her validate and do not argue, but also realize that you shouldn't be picking up the phone every time she calls or texts. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is answer the phone.

I think you could learn a lot from Squiggy. He served his W with papers and yet they are now discussing openly and honestly how to move forward together. The gamble obviously is being divorced, but she has cheated and left you twice. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, working towards the same goals.

[mahhhty]

Was hoping maybe she would end it and be single for a while, giving the two of us at least a chance to rebuild. No way can that happen with OM in the picture. Sort of feeling down, but still resolved to keep moving forward.

The chance to rebuild a quality life will only happen when she understands that she contributed, hurt you and shows remorse. The OM is the drug she is on. But just like the first man he will come and go. Honestly the OM already said ILYBINILWY, that is not a recipe for a long term relationship.

[WhyUs]

Sounds to me that the OM and WW R is in a tough place. Give it time and let her figure it out. If their having these problems already the R is bound to fail.

[Vanilla]

Thank you V. So I contacted attorney and confirmed that legally, I can keep WW out of the house. I'm the only one on the deed, and she left months ago and changed her mailing address. He said she may call the police but just to explain the situation and they would ask her to leave. I'm hoping it doesn't get that dramatic but prepared for anything.

Last I heard, she was driving back into town to talk with OM, so my guess is that they patch things up, at least temporarily. I'll know more in a few hours. I've decided I can't let her come back home, regardless of what happens today. She's not anywhere close to the right mindset, and it's not fair to me or the kids to have to deal with her drama. Her sister offered her a place to stay, and even though it's 2 hours away, that might be for the best right now. We can work out something on visitation with the kids. The rest she has to figure out on her own. I really wish things were different but I think the best way for me to help her and my family right now is to not help her. She needs to bottom out. Wish me luck.

I am glad that you have worked this through. I wanted to read this from you before seeing you receive 4x2s the reason for that is that your heart is open and broken and only you can decide having WW home is not the right thing for this dad and his kids. You can see that RD still has an open home for his WW and it's a very tough road but he is quite detached whereas at this time you aren't.. This decision is so important for you and the start of detachment for you.

This patch will be temporary I think between WW and OM. There has been a BD between them, the dreaded ILYB....... has been spoken. Those words can never be unspoken. They are a caustic that will burn through any patch, even a welded one.

For the moment you have time, precious wonderful healing time to breathe and recover. It is the gift of time as Cadet says. The longer WW is crazy with OM the more space you have for healing and becoming.

That peace may be disturbed by WW in due course I think, even if it is not immediate best to be prepared for it.

You are doing well.

V

[dwh15]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Been having a very hard time of it today. As much as I tried not to have hope, the thought of her leaving OM had set in and given me false hope. I feel I had been doing well but this has definitely set me back a few weeks. I need to throw myself back into LRT and GAL. Already have plans with family this weekend so that will help.

Mahhhty, thanks so much for jumping in. I've been thinking a lot about the last couple of days and how I responded. For the last few weeks, I actually had been doing quite well, texting only about kid issues, never initiating, etc. When WW called on Wed, I figured it was something to do with kids, as it was her night to take them, and she had not actually called me in quite a while. As soon as I heard her in tears, it was hard not to want to comfort her. I was trying to walk the line between being supportive in her time of need but still staying detached. I thought I pulled it off, we talked for a few and I validated her feelings like crazy, but in hindsight, I probably would have been better off not even taking the call. After we spoke, she even came by the house so I could check her tire pressure before leaving town. I agreed to do it out of concern, and one of the tires was extremely low. I never know where to draw the line - I don't want her getting stranded on the side of the road. Was that too nice? I also gave her money for gas, again probably not a great idea. I agree - I am enabling her. I think I was so excited at the fact she might actually be leaving OM that I was doing everything in my power to help her along that path.

Well, I learned a hard lesson and won't be making the same mistakes again. As everyone pointed out, the R between those 2 is toxic and bound to eventually fall apart. It was obvious from Day 1 that neither of them is in an emotional or mental state to carry on a healthy, long term R. I've heard before: hurt attracts hurt, broken attracts broken. They are both hurting and broken. The next time things fall apart, I'm making myself unavailable to talk, or help her in any way. It may be hard, but I think that's what she needs to feel, and it will be better for me. I hate that I set myself up on this and slid back so far.