H is in limbo/confusion of wanting to D and save M (so he says), which I believe is due to MLC with active A. H is still living in home in seperate bedroom, though he has been gone for much of summer due to work. H continues to lie and deceive about A (said it ended around January), but I have multiple forms of evidence that prove otherwise. I have recently decided to not focus on A as it has kept me from working on myself and there is really nothing I can do about it anyway. I did set boundry around it being brought into my personal space and have thought about kicking H out if home. Still confused as to whether it is better for him here or if he moves out.
H does have valid concerns about M. He tried to tell me for years how unhappy he was and made attempts on his own, but I saw none of it and did nothing to make changes. While BD was March 14, 2015. Continously trying to detach so that I can control my emotions and find compassion and empathy for H. –----------------------
H came home from trip last night. I had been at happy hour, so I must say was looking very pretty and in good spirits when I arrived home. I had on my best PMA and tried to be talkative and engage him with questions about his trip. I decided I am not going to let him dictate the mood in the house anymore after the weeks prior to trip of being so tense and uncomfortable. I am just not going to live like that any more. If he wants to, that is on him.
Before he left on trip, H was barely acknowledging my presence and very little eye contact. At first last night H was very distant and cold. He made some passive aggressive comment about a decision I made about garden (first comment after hello), had an edge on him, and did not ask me any questions. I even went up to him and said it was nice to see him and gave him casual hug. Not sure if I should have done that, but I think he was thrown for a loop on my attitude and behavior and likely was not hiw he was expecting me to act. Since he was not really being receptive, I decided to leave him for a bit to let my behavior settle in while I took the dog for a walk.
I came back from walk and he was much more engaged, had eye contact, and asked me some questions about what I had been up to over the past few weeks. Even asked about my Meetup. He was also engaged with dog in a way I have not seen for months. I tried to show excitement about what I had been up to, but did not go into too much detail. He took off to go grab dinner and I hung outside on patio with dog. Overall, compared before trip it was a very positive interaction.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/17/1501:25 PM. Reason: Links
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Interesting morning. I went about my normal routine of bootcamp, walking dog and breakfast. H did not get up until close to 8am. I was already set up outside on patio to work for the day. H said good morning, made his breakfast and came outside to eat and chat with me. Not just a little, a lot. I thought he was done talking a few times and turned back to computer and he kept talking. Not anything of real substance, but more about his trip, the yard, has upcoming work stuff, my parents and brothers upcoming visit, etc. Still made eye contact and even laughed a few times. Before he went on work trip he was literally tantruming, not saying good morning, would eat breakfast away from me, and not speaking. Not sure who has come back in alien's body, but saw bits of my old H or at least the person I was starting to connect with before discoverying A. I played it very non-chalant, but tried to maintain eye contact and smile. I also gave lots of affirmations and graditude for the flowers we have in backyard. He planted them last year and they are beautiful. Not sure how long this version will visit, but I hope for a bit.
Still sounds like he plans to avoid my family when they are here. He has dropped them as abruptly as me. I assume that is normal with MLC and or waywardness. The only other thing that happened this morning is a car drove around slowly past house twice and came to stop for second as checking to see who was home. I could not see inside well enough to make out gender or anything. We live on short/quiet street, so it just seemed odd. Briefly wondered if it was OW. Not sure why I thought that.
Last edited by BW05; 07/17/1508:54 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning. Most of my GAL has been preparing for famy's visit/arrival next Thursday. Have been out and about running errands. Did go to a brew festival last night for a bit. It does help take mind on H.
H has been home every night since he got back on Thursday. Guessing OW is out of town or something?? Last night he did seem pretty blue, moping about and all. He was not as interactive, which is fine. He is still acknowledging my existence which is much better than before trip. Yesterday morning, he even mentioned that it looked like I lost quite a bit of weight. Closest thing to a compliment for a few months now. Relatively speaking, our interactions have all been positive since he has been back. I have purposefully decided to no bring up text about communication and just let it rest. I figure he will bring it up if he wants to chat. I did ask him to help me trim dogs toenails. It is much easier with two people and I am always afraid I will trim too much. He said he would, but then did not really seem overly keen and just sat out in the dark on the patio on his phone. So I finally went inside and started to do it myself. He then cam in and said I was stubborn, that he said he would help, and it was weird that I would ask and then do on own. I said I figured I had to learn to do on own, and yes, I am stubborn. I said if he wanted to help he was welcome to. He did.
I think it bothers him that I have taken over his prized flower garden and have even planted some flowers myself, put new mulch down, etc. I have given him a number of affirmations about what a good job he did with flowers and how much I enjoy them. I actually enjoy working in the yard and I think it is a good way to show that I am not going to sit back and wait around for him. He used to do most of the yard work. It is in reference to the yard and garden that he keeps refencing the future. We should do this, we should do that. Not really showing it with any actions. Also, he does keep trying to engage with the dog which really has been his dog. They had a super close bond, but the dog just does not seem interested and comes and hangs out with me. That is what happens when you ignore someone or something for months. My dog has mastered detachment quicker than me. Sigh....
Last edited by BW05; 07/19/1501:15 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Glad you are enjoying the garden and taking that on. It is fun to get your hands dirty and make it pretty. I have a brown thumb so cudos to you on that.
It is Awesome when you find a new hobby and can just go with it.
BW, I am so glad that he's acknowledging you at the moment. That's a nice thing to have when you're in the same house day in and day out. I also like how you mentioned that you hoped this H stayed around for awhile. It shows that you are not setting up expectations on his continued behavior. So you are definitely making progress on yourself!
Thanks for giving me a laugh about your dog and detachment! You are so right in that regard. My H's 13 year old dog follows me around incessantly and doesn't even bother with my H.
E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Ok, first off, I switched my profile just a tad to be safe. Feel so horrible for Matt.
As for me, I have been super busy with work travel and GAL, so I have only briefly been on here since the weekend. Sunday, H and I had a discussion about communication and how I perceive him as angry. He claimed he us not and thinks he has just been friendly, but then he did admit to being angry about a few things.
He let me know he is upset that my family is coming to visit. He said it was insensitive of me to not to check with him first and to not think of the extra stress that them visiting would cause him. How could I think it was ok to invite my family when we are having issues? I should have gone to go visit them instead. Note, I did send text asking if he foresaw any issues and he never responded. There is only one day that he is impacted by their visit, so I am not sure why it is such a big deal. The majority of the visit is while he is away traveling for work and we are leaving the state! I just validated that I was sorry he felt the way that he did, but they are my family and I think I should be able to have them visit if I want. Did not really apologize. I said I need to keep living my life and I was not going to sit around all summer. I said I don't have the luxury of my family living here like he does. He seem to get really upset about the continue the living my life part. He was very sarcastic and said, "oh that is perfect you go live you life." Also brought up making changes for someone else comment I made a while back. That us like the third or forth time. I don't understand, if he is so bent on us not staying together, why does me moving on rile him so much. He certainly us not making an effort with us.
Honestly, I was just flabbergasted by the whole conversation. I don't think I was out of line having my family visit. He seems to think everything I do is insensitive. Can't seem to win one way or the other with my actions. Honestly, I think he just wanted to make me feel guilty about something. I did not really STFU, but he was poking at my family. Instead, I brought up the fact that he did not asked before he decided to bring OW into our home and he did not seem to care about the subsequent stress it has caused me. I actually stayed relatively calm when I said it. I was just royally irked by his comments. He proceeded to immediately say he thinks we should D. I calmly said it was a shame that he felt that was the way to deal with our issues and that was not what I wanted, but I would not stop him. I was surprised by how unaffected I was by him saying this. I think partly because I was expecting it at some point and to be honest it did not come out as if he meant it, but rather was trying to divert the conversation. A bit later, I asked if that was really what he wanted and he back tracked a bit. I think he expected to get a different response from me when he said it.
He is not sure why I care that he had an A. He said, what does it matter to you? I would never have found out about A if he had not confessed when I asked if he was having one. Huh?? This part of convo, particularily the why do I care bit, got me emotional, so I got up and walked upstairs and broke down. Of course he followed me and asked why I was upset and said lets go back downstairs and keep talking. I said it was the most painful thing to happen to me and broke my heart into pieces, so yes, I care. Keros trying to insulate I have no idea what has happened in house or with regards to A, like he us baiting me to say. My lips are tight on that one. I am not sharing details.
After the first bit, the conversation took a calmer turn. He said he is not telling me what he is thinking and feeling because he thinks I hold on to what he says in a particular moment and I don't understand his feelings and thoughts are constantly fluctuating. He said I will bring stuff up he has said at a later point in time. I validated, but also asked for clarification. I did not understand how I have done this and asked for example, but he did not really give one. He has said, this twice now so I need to be cognizant of it. I don't think I realize I am doing this.
We ended on a casual convo about how stressed he is with work and how he has no personal time even to give me his time. I validated that genus super stressed and I said I was sorry it was this way. I am sure there was more, but those are the highlights. He just seems all over the place with what he says. Anyone have thoughts on me having my family here?
Oddly enough, I have felt very detached since this last conversation. Not sure why the shift. The past three days I was away on business and had a great time. H has been much more pleasant since he as been back. He says good morning and engages in at least a little talk.
Heading out for vacation tomorrow!!
Last edited by BT13; 07/24/1503:42 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
You did some things really right here. I do like that you were nonchalant when he brought up the divorce, and I think it's good that you shared your pain when he asked about why it mattered to you about the A. And it sounds like it ended on a better note.
I understand that a WAS is hard to validate because they are acting inconsistently. Nevertheless if you want him to open up more to you and potentially grow closer I think you have to work on this. What I read in your recap that isn't very validating:
He's wrong to be upset with you inviting family because you texted him and it was perfectly reasonable. He's unreasonable for being upset about your comment he interpreted to mean you were preparing for another relationship. He's upset irrationally with everything and you think he's trying to manipulate you. He tried to express why he's been so closed off but since he wasn't able to articulate this to your satisfaction you are dismissing this.
BT, I feel like your H loves you and is trying to find a way to stay married. He has been closed off because he has been hurt so much by being dismissed, misunderstood, and neglected. Remember the part about how it doesn't feel like you hear him, how he didn't talk to you for a long time, and how you promised if he'd open up you'd REALLY listen to what he has to say?
Of course he feels differently than you do. If you two felt the same you wouldn't have any conflict. If you steamroll him he'll shrug, decide he can't reason with you, and potentially feel forced to talk to OW who treats him like what he says matters. Or you can validate him, make him feel that his feelings are just as valid as yours, then after you both understand each other and feel safe and close can collaborate on solutions that work for both of you, and show him why it's better to have a mature R than a feel good fling.
This isn't easy, but you did ask him to open up, this is a critical time to show him a W only a fool would leave.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
