FIDO - Changing The Rules - Pt 2

[NH115]

I would agree. It does need to be a statement rather than a question.

And Raliced, jump in any time you want. The more the merrier.

[Dawn70]

I agree with all those before me....don't make anything a question. Tell her what works for you rather than asking her what works for you. Speaking from a woman's point of view, I want decisive and active, as most women do, not someone who looks to me for guidance. Sorry if that sounds harsh, dear NH, because you know I have to be super supportive of my fellow Arkie, but I was not sure how else to say it that didn't sound bad.

I think you are lucky to live where you do, in that places to live and roommate situations should be easier to come by. I wish you all the luck in the world moving forward. Do what is best for YOU and your daughters.

[Starsky309]

X2^^

The "Don't we have some big questions to settle" line is most definitely initiating a 'R' talk ... plus its applying pressure ... basically implying that you want a firm line in the sand commitment to the M in order to plan the trip. (This may be what you really want but SHE needs to give that gem up on her own with a "I'll do whatever it takes" line first.

I would opt for Raliced's line of "That doesn't work for me right now" as it comes from a place of strength and confidence.

x 3.

[NH115]

Dawn, don't worry. You've been nothing but supportive.

Yeah, it'll be a statement. I realized as soon as I wrote it that I shouldn't be asking her.

It's occurred to me that this may be a test, even an unconscious one.

[NH115]

She was talking about the trip and I told her that with things the way they are between us I didn't want to make any long-term travel plans. Her response was that we didn't have to book anything right away.

For her, she needs something to look forward to, and she hopes that a family trip would help us create happy memories and bind us together. All well and good, but I asked her what smaller things we would do in the meantime (this trip would be at least a year off) to rebuild our bond. Her answer was "I'm throwing that in your court".

Wrong answer.

It's not my responsibility to come up with things to make her happy, and to make her feel connected to me. We both screwed our marriage up, so it's up to both of us to take action to improve our lives, separately and together.

I have specific GAL things that I'm doing. To her credit she's starting to find some things too.

It still sounds to me like she expects me to do something that makes her happy and makes her fall back in love with me.

I can't for the life of me figure out where she really is. What am I missing here?

[CaliGuy]

NH

My W had some similar comments/statements .... like she was looking for me to be that 'good time guy' she had during the A. There was a good deal of "you are no fun, so serious all the time" "Just smile more" type comments. Like you ... not my job to be something/someone I am not, I did get to a point I let her know maybe she could find that elsewhere but I was not her personal circus monkey that was going to dance for a quarter.

Keep GALing ... PMA .. just do what you have been doing. You are doing well.

[NH115]

NH

My W had some similar comments/statements .... like she was looking for me to be that 'good time guy' she had during the A. There was a good deal of "you are no fun, so serious all the time" "Just smile more" type comments. Like you ... not my job to be something/someone I am not, I did get to a point I let her know maybe she could find that elsewhere but I was not her personal circus monkey that was going to dance for a quarter.

Keep GALing ... PMA .. just do what you have been doing. You are doing well.

Thanks, Caliguy

I don't think it's so much that she wants me to be someone I'm not. We're actually pretty much on the same page as far as what kind of life we want. She sees the 180s and changes in me and has said several times that she appreciates the improvements.

It's almost like she expects me to replicate that rush she got when she met OM. She wants to feel good about her life and she associates me with the life we had the last three years, which wasn't so good.

She's still waiting for me to do that one magic thing that makes her feel like she wants to feel. She has no clue what that magic thing even is.

I'm too busy being the guy only a fool would leave to worry about performing magic tricks.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks, Caliguy

I don't think it's so much that she wants me to be someone I'm not. We're actually pretty much on the same page as far as what kind of life we want. She sees the 180s and changes in me and has said several times that she appreciates the improvements.

It's almost like she expects me to replicate that rush she got when she met OM. She wants to feel good about her life and she associates me with the life we had the last three years, which wasn't so good.

She's still waiting for me to do that one magic thing that makes her feel like she wants to feel. She has no clue what that magic thing even is.

I'm too busy being the guy only a fool would leave to worry about performing magic tricks.

Yeah that was what I was aiming at ... I never told W point blank .. .look that 'rush' you felt was because of the newness and the sneaking around it created, something her and I would never be able to achieve. I do feel what we have is much deeper and she is starting to feel that and express it lately. Like all things it just takes time.

[Georgiabelle]

NH,

I have followed along on your sitch and you always receive the best advice. I realize you are in a difficult place and it sounds like you know what you need to do.

Can I chime in on one thing about what I see regarding your w? I'm no expert in cheating and I can't relate to her feeling of wanting to "feel" that rush of new love. However, from all of your posts where you reference W, I do see someone who is seeking external validation-not just necessarily "new love endorphins". The problem with that (and I do consider myself an expert in that feeling of constantly seeking affirmation of my worth sadly enough) is that it is literally like being on a roller coaster with no lap bar or overhead restraints. I don't know if your w really sees it as "you giving up" when you say you need to move out, but rather "you" may not want her anymore. And if OM rejected her along with her own H, then that leaves her reeling. It perpetuates her feeling of being "too old to find someone" and "wasting her best years" on you which is complete horse caca!!! You cannot fix that feeling. Ever!!!! Only she can.

However, it is probably best to let her feel it fully and live your life. I know you are worried about your kids. That truly $uck$. What are you really worried about happening if you move out? W hooks up with OM? He is an actual toolbox but that's on him. W hooks up with many men? You can't control any of that.

Hang in there. You will get through this!!!:)

[NH115]

That's a very insightful post, GB!

You're right, a lot of this is about external validation. She felt unattractive and unappreciated and downright hated (by my parents). OM offered her that validation. She feels rejected by OM because he went back to his wife (I never tire of hearing that one ), and she feels rejected by me because I'm starting to lose patience with her and move on. Just a constant wallowing in victimhood.

Today I came home feeling on top of the world. I was really productive, got some flirtation at work from a really cute girl who had to be all of 22 (too young for me, but still felt good), had a good MC session today, just felt good all around.

Within 10 minutes I got treated to a rant about how sexually unhealthy she feels. She blamed me, my parents, her overly religious mother, religion in general, her gay first boyfriend, and society's pressure for women to be "pure" before marriage. She's actually angry that she didn't sleep around more before she got married (I was #3 for her). I just told her if she wanted to make up for lost time, then there's the door.

I'm sick of this s***

Despite her issues, she's a great mom, so I don't worry about my kids in that sense. I guess I'm more afraid of being seen (especially by my Ds) as the bad guy, the one who broke up our family. I'm not that concerned about what my W does after me...it's her life, I'll have my own life too.

Hopefully someday she'll wake up from this victimhood thing she's on and figure out what she had with me....Whether I'm an option any more at that point, well, that's just the risk she takes.