Really Random Ramblings

[LoisB]

That was supposed to be a smiley face.

[Sotto]

Tad, don't beat yourself up. You got out of the house and went to two things - that's progress. Yes, you didn't make it to a Meetup group yet - but all in good time okay?

For me - Meetups sound pretty daunting, and I have never been to one. I did sign up for one group, but it didn't go ahead. But that 'pure socialising' can be pretty daunting I think. And it may be something to work towards rather than going for gold right now.

IMHO, there are much more low key things out there that bring you into contact with others, but not in such a full on social way. I'm thinking of - being with others whilst doing something else. For me, I have got out and about volunteering in a charity bookstore, joining a Calligraphy group that does monthly workshops, joining a book group, yoga class, aerobics class etc. They are all things that are pretty low key and you get some incidental chat while doing something else.

What about coming up with a plan for a real low key 'get me out of the house' thing on days 6 & 7. Something you'll feel reasonably comfortable with and is achievable. Interesting that 'work Tad' is so confident and comfortable and 'home Tad' less so. Have you seen an IC at all? I did for a while and it was helpful. It may be something to think about - getting that support to build your home life into something you are truly happy with.

I think you've done well Tad.....now let's hear how you plan to build on this progress....x

[LouR]

Hey Tad

34 minutes is 34 more than before so improvement on that front.

Swimming - yep alone, but you did not know that you would be and you still got to the pool so - guess what, improvement there too.

I do wonder Tad - what do you feel inside that makes it ok for you to go to your son's shows ? They are a social event, people can speak to you there, so what makes it different from other social interactions - replicating that rational reasoning may help you reach your goal.

[Wonka]

Tad,

Yay!!!!! Yessssss....I am so proud of you for getting inside and ordering a drink. What an achievement, my friend.

Perhaps the next time go to the same place and try to say "hi" to someone sitting next to you at the bar stool. General chit chat....

You CAN do this, buddy.

Keep going. Perhaps invite one or both of your sons to the happy hour event. That might lessen the "dread" feeling for you.

Hmmm....

What was the "dread" feeling?

"Dread" for what....?

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Toots, Heather LouR and Wonka.

I went to S22's show last night. I had a fun time. XW did not show. I did get a chance to talk to XW's brother. I saw him last night for the first time since her MLC began. I, like S22, am convinced that he and their entire family have been lied to. Not that it matters, I just find it interesting.

What about coming up with a plan for a real low key 'get me out of the house' thing on days 6 & 7.

Yeah. I hope to think of something...I'm at work at the moment and may take another swim once I get off at midnight.

I do wonder Tad - what do you feel inside that makes it ok for you to go to your son's shows?

I'm not sure. Maybe it is because I know people there. I know some of his fans and the entire band. I am close with all of them. They call me "Band Dad." Two of the members I've known for 6 or 7 years from another band he was in before XW went nuts. It could be too that it is something that I feel I need to do to show support. I also promised him that I will try to make it to every show. I haven't missed one yet.

What was the "dread" feeling?

"Dread" for what....?

I'm not sure that I can explain it. It was more like: "Uh. I have to be around people." I think it is just being around a lot of people and not "knowing" any of them. It's like: "why would anyone want to talk to me?" I'm just not comfortable around people that I don't know. I know....my confidence is shot. When I was on the radio, it was no problem. People usually approached me first because of what I did for a living. It's been that way my entire adult life because I started my radio career when I was just 19.

Kind of having a downer day. It seems that most of my down days are Sundays for some reason.

I really miss my rats. I want more, but am also afraid to get more. It makes me sad to think how they get when they get old. Also, I know that if I did get more, I'd probably struggle with getting out even more than I do now. I sure would like to have more though...

Well after tonight, I'm off for two more days. I have no clue what I'm going to do on my off days. I'm afraid I've become a hermit.

So....here is how my week has been:

Day 1: Nothing

Day 2: Went for a swim

Day 3: Went and had a drink

Day 4: Son's show.

Day 5: Work

Day 6: NOTHING PLANNED

Day 7: NOTHING PLANNED

I really hope to get out. There's just no desire. Even when I am home, I feel I NEED to do something...but that is all it amounts to. Just a need, but no desire to do anything about it.

In a rut.

Tad

[Sotto]

'I really hope to get out - there's just no desire'

You are master of your own destiny Tad. Follow the hope and take some more baby steps. Build on the mini successes you already had. You say there is no desire, but if you hope to get out, that is desire isn't it?

So, let's hear your ideas for the NOTHING PLANNED days....and a commitment to do one thing - even if it is just a mini step - on each of those days.

I don't think you answered my questions on possible IC and/or seeing a doctor about how you are feeling. Have you sought any emotional/medical support recently? I just wonder whether it is worth delving a little further into this lack of desire/inertia to see what lies behind it, and have some support to overcome that.

I would maybe park the idea of getting more rats just now. I think they are just substituting things that you miss in your life. Maybe revisit the idea when you are more happy with the fullness of your life outside of work?

Take care xx

[tadpole1025]

Ginger, sorry, but I didn't see your post until today.

Toots, you said:

I don't think you answered my questions on possible IC and/or seeing a doctor about how you are feeling. Have you sought any emotional/medical support recently?

I've tried the counselor thing. A few times. Medical help? I saw a doctor when this all started. I was on ADs for a while, but took myself off of them. (My brother was on them when he killed himself.)

I did not make it to the pool last night after work.

So, today I made plans to go to a little bar and grill in town. When I arrived, I realized that it was in the same plaza as the place where I took my rats to get cremated. When I got there, I turned around and went home. About an hour later, I tried it again. My watch said 4:38 when I walked in. There was nobody but old guys in there talking about deer hunting. Five years ago, that wouldn't have mattered to me. So, because I didn't want to listen to a bunch of dudes talking about killing animals, I left after one drink. When I walked out, it was 5:04. Ug....26 minutes. Never did eat.

I've really got to get past this....

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Just updating:

I got out twice yesterday. I treated myself to a nice Mexican dinner and went down to the pool later in the evening. Stayed a little over an hour at both.

Today, I go back to work. I don't need to be there for another two hours, but I'm already ready to go. Itching to get out the door. Haha. I really need to get a life.

Tad

[CaliGuy]

Good for you Tad .... keep pressing and putting yourself out there.

[Sotto]

Great stuff Tad - I love Mexican food! You doubled your Gal this week...

Have you given any thought to low key gal that's more social too?

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my brother to suicide 20 years ago. It's a sad thing and hard to overcome.

Really pleased to see your progress anyway...:-)