Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
At BD when H asked for apartment & to come back and stay here a few days, I said no outright. He got flustered and then said "then I really am trapped." I said:no you have choices.
This time he asked for the same thing but he will do whichever I choose. How infantile is that? Prefers apartment and to come here a few days (who wouldn't) but feels it's unfair he has to live in his room.
I have to vent: I cannot believe this is my life!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I posted this on your old thread (which is about to lock)...
HaWho - You talk about the fog you were in when you were depressed. It seems like he is in his own version of fog. Let him get an apartment with the agreement that the children can spend time with him there.
Interesting my H seems to suffer from family anxiety also and needs his time to "decompress". He gets stressed if the children are bickering too much, things break, he doesn't know where to drop/pick up one of the children.
I agree --- I cannot believe this has become my life. We are married to teenagers!! I thought this was all behind me when we got married. Stay strong.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
I am making needed changes in myself. Know H has noticed as he referenced it. H has said things are more positive now then they were. We are becoming friends, talking more and we have both said we miss the friendship.
H's actions differ from words. Actions show he is acting "as if." He initiates contact sometimes. We now do things as a family all weekend. H asked me to go out alone for day recently and we did. Despite words to the contrary he seems to be romancing me at times (spoon feeds me, gets the car if it's raining, planned vacation around my birthday and says he wants me to have a good time). He has booked us a room separate from the kids. Maybe he will get his own room once we arrive. Who knows why he does these things. It's the MLC funhouse.
But his words say he still wants apt. but for different reasons. Still seeks permission for apartment. At BD H wanted apartment to find himself, have friends over and have women over who looked at him "meaningfully." He would stay at apt. during the day, return when kids came home from school, go to apt. on Saturday nights and return before they woke up. Wanted permission for this. I said no to phony baloney pretend life routine (was more diplomatic when talking to him, but made this point).
8 mos. later H wants apt. Again. This time H is worrying what kind of M we're patterning for kids. (Wasn't so worried about patterning when he ran all around at all hours like a teenager.). Thinks we should separate, used the word. He would go to apartment for a few days and stay with us for a few days. Said several times he really hopes I will let him stay with us a few nights a week. He says he no longer needs time and space. He says he has put himself back together and is comfortable in his skin again. He needs apt. "to live life." So sad he does not see the life in front of him.
Through journaling, I realize his actions show progress but his words show regression.
One last thing, when I said "what if I get the apt. and I come back a few nights (just wanted to test his reaction). H was a bit uncomfortable but said yes. So really, this is a space issue from me. So weird that he was not flabbergasted that I recommend I move out on my kids! He is so lost. He is crazy if he thinks I would leave my kids!
I feel like he needs a dose of reality. I feel like he needs to go somewhere all by himself to see what he is really asking for. I just don't see how he is going to wake up when he fantasizes about this dream young adult life.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I see your point. But I don't know if it is my place to "let him." He wants me to choose! It's INSANE. He wants a scapegoat for his cake eating!
He doesn't just want an apt. He wants an apt. AND he wants to come and go from our house.
He will not be coming and going as he pleases. I do not want to pretend we're the Waltons. He has no respect for me or these kids. He has no sense of boundaries or consequences to decisions.
He should see what separated life is really like. He should see what it does to the kids. We can't all function in his la la land world.
He wants to be a college kid who crashes at home for comfort, a warm meal and no responsibilities. Then heads off to the fun life.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi Ha who. Some interesting discussions with your H! Early on in our sitch, it was evident to me that H would have liked there to carry on being some kind of 'us' while he carried on seeing OW and worked through whatever confusion there was.
A year on, it is evident to me that this past year would have been a nightmare had I stayed in the mix. As it turns out, it has been quite a pleasant year in many ways where I have my own little place, some new friends and activities and so on.
All of that happened because I made my own very clear decisions about what I would and wouldn't live with. Those decisions weren't about trying to save our M, they were about trying to save my sanity. They may actually have harmed our chances of R - IDK - but I do know that my H respects me and I respect myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - don't go round in circles, thinking he SHOULD experience this or that. Flip it over and think - purely for yourself - what can and can't I live with?
You can then tell him very clearly what situation you will and won't tolerate. There has also been a dynamic in my sitch, where my H has wanted me to agree to things - so they are 'ours' rather than his. D was one. He wanted me to file, so that he wouldn't feel awful filing. I have clearly told him I respect his wishes, but D isn't what I want and so I won't file...
I think it's important not to get too drawn into his 'scrambled' view of the world and maintain your own pure perspective on things.
Good luck! x
Last edited by Toots; 07/22/1505:43 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
If you read Toots carefully ... you will see that you desperately need to start placing some boundaries. These are not out of punishment ie. "If you get an apartment you are making a choice and I will no longer allow you in my home" but more along the lines of "I respect your need to have space and the urge to have your own place, that is YOUR choice to make not mine" After he does decide ... then you can start making boundaries on what you will and will not tolerate as Toots mentioned
The question I have is: do I just do nothing. Say nothing further until he brings it up. Ride it out a little longer. See if his actions continue to move forward and ignore his words.
Or do I initiate saying my boundaries. I can say I will not make a decision for him.
Next option is: you should leave. You don't want a M.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
The question I have is: do I just do nothing. Say nothing further until he brings it up. Ride it out a little longer. See if his actions continue to move forward and ignore his words.
Or do I initiate saying my boundaries. I can say I will not make a decision for him.
Next option is: you should leave. You don't want a M.
HaWho ... as apposed to what? You can not control him nor what he does .. .and going after him and pressing him on the issue will only add to him reacting as MLCr's do with pressure. As far as his actions .. 'Believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do' ring a bell?
A boundary of "I will not make your decision for you" is not a boundary as it does not protect YOU ... if he asks you "I am thinking of getting an apt what do you think" a reply could easily be "That's a decision you will have to make on your own" and leave it at that.
Read up on BOUNDARIES
"You should Leave, You Don't Want a M" <--- to me .. while that may be how you feel ... it comes across as an ultimatum, now is this is what you want ... your H to leave? I would change that last part to "I feel you don't want this M" but you may prepare yourself for some spew and things you may not want to hear ... IMHO
Thank you Toots, Cali and Deja. I need to cool off. I am just plain frustrated right now. I have to remember I am not dealing with a sane adult
I will re-read Toots' post and all others. I also need to look over boundaries.
He has been clear: he wants to come and go with my permission. If he can't he wants to stay in misery.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
