You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Another question I have is when or if I should ask her about going to marriage counseling.
Well, so a year ago probably would have been the best time, but I think your second best option would be to not wait any longer on this.
If it were me, I would make the initial talk a lot about you so that your W doesn't go on the defensive immediately. Maybe something like "W, I've been thinking lately that a lot of our previous issues went unresolved, and that with some professional help we could make our M so much better moving forward. How would you feel about this?".
It's going to be a long, hard road since you both ignored the issues for so long, but I assume you are ready now to work on yourself and these issues candidly in order to try and fix this before it gets any worse?
We are here to help and support you if you are ready to start the work, inertia is often the biggest hurdle!
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
We had a talk last night. I suggested counseling to help us work through this and she said she didn't know. She said she doesn't know what she wants and is not sure staying married is what will make her happy. She said she is emotionless and just shut down right now. So I don't know. I will back off and leave her to herself and see what happens.
Thanks Thomas
Me (33), W(30) 3 kids (13S, 8D, 3D) Together 13years Married 7 years
Wife said D 6-3-2014 Went on M saving vacation 6-16-2014 Things good 8-2014 to 7-17-2015 I'm DONE. 7-18-2015
Thomas, that is exactly what my h says. And we are in counseling. He is very depressed and emotionless. It is sad. I don't have any advice, just want to say you are not the only one going through this. Hang in there, don't let the depression spread to you.
The stress of all this is just too much. We had so much going for us. She was able to quit her job and be a sahm and take care of the kids. This summer she was as to take a 5 week vacation with the kids to see her sister across the country. We were supposed to go on our own vacation next month to enjoy our selves some. Now it is all lost. She seems to think the kids will be just fine with us apart. It tears me up just thinking about it. Life [censored] so bad.
Me (33), W(30) 3 kids (13S, 8D, 3D) Together 13years Married 7 years
Wife said D 6-3-2014 Went on M saving vacation 6-16-2014 Things good 8-2014 to 7-17-2015 I'm DONE. 7-18-2015
Ugh she just texted me that she was canceling our out of the country trip and canceled the hotel but the plane tickets are nonrefundable and asked if she should reschedule the hotel or reschedule it for just me or not at all. I told her if she wanted to go we both could go if not to rebook it for me and I would go by myself. She said she wanted to go but didn't want to have new memories to disillusion her. I asked her what that meant and She said to make me think everything is good and can be good and trick me.
So now I am tricking her feelings. I hate life.
Me (33), W(30) 3 kids (13S, 8D, 3D) Together 13years Married 7 years
Wife said D 6-3-2014 Went on M saving vacation 6-16-2014 Things good 8-2014 to 7-17-2015 I'm DONE. 7-18-2015
We had talked about going through these issues but not right away as we were still getting back in the groove of things. Things stayed good for us and we never had the talk. I would try to touch on bits and pieces here and there, but it never led to anything. I did read the book but just never finished the process I guess
As far as her emotions, we haven't talked about them since before The first BD last year. I know she is messed up and I just want her to get help and be happy. She is always negative and never sees the positive side of things like me. It is just hard to relate to her and she gets mad when I try to.
In other words, you didn't really DB at all. You simply let her stay....without doing any work. Everything was swept under the rug. You have deceived yourself into thinking things were good. I bet she would give a different version.
Please do not leave the impression with these newcomers that you reconciled your M. It seems obvious that nothing was resolved, and you have not changed from your co-dependent, pressuring ways. You did not follow any DB advice the first time around (which is your choice) but you may need to tell anyone who asks your advice about their M.
Not going to comment much on your old thread because sandi already said it and it honestly frustrates me. You are here the second time because you didn't DB the first. You focused on W's issues and rarely talked about your role. Forget about her for now and start to fix yourself, she doesn't need you to fix or worry about her.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thomas, Fogg and Sandi are right, focus on your self. I understand how hard this is. Especially when your spouse is depressed- you KNOW she isn't seeing things clearly, but you cannot control that. I understand completely. Depression is contagious though- it can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking negatively, thinking like a victim, being passive, I KNOW how easy that can happen. Don't let it. Someone has to stay grounded and its not her right now. Whether she stays or leaves, you still need to function and your children need you. Focus on yourself. This is not your fault- you didn't cause her depression, but there is a role you played/are still playing in it, and that is the piece you need to fix. Maybe take it in pieces- choose one thing you can do for yourself today- maybe go for a walk or watch a fun movie, and one thing you can change about yourself- maybe don't react or whatever change is do-able for you. Take it in steps. You will feel better.
Said by me, while I am having a very rough day today. I get it! It is hard. I have to give myself a pep talk every day, sometimes every hour. But what is the alternative? You can do this Thomas. Take it one step and one day at a time. Y
