Need advice for a WW who left

[Vanilla]

If it suits you and the kids are happy I would go with the care pattern. Why disturb, in due course you can formalise with an online schedule. If you work then Iassume change will be needed anyway.

I doubt if WW advised you about the M then it would make much sense. WW has scrambled eggs for brains, there could be blame, spew and misdirection. In due course history will be rewritten.

Detach dwh and work on your sitch, on you. Getting dwh to a good place is crucial, it's you were are interested in supporting.

V

[AJM]

Having been in your situation, I would go with Vanilla's advice. My ex was nutso and so is her OM (husband now). I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say it has taken many years to get them off my back. I took a lot of cr@p to ensure my kids were well taken care of. And I kept my sanity along the way.

I am now at the end of that - my youngest turns 18 next month and there will be no more contact. But along the way I formalized the schedule and was careful to adhere to it. I was tested many times, believe me but I learned to not take the bait. My rule of thumb was to decide how it affected the kids before I acted and then to only act in their best interest. That helped keep me from being petty and or destructive many times. I'm glad I did it that way, although it wasn't easy.

Keep your expectations of her at zero. Literally. Do not expect any kindness or reciprocal treatment. If it happens, then so much the better, but if not, no impact and the kids will benefit from that. Immensely. And because of that, you'll be much more at peace with your choices.

And then I wonder, if I get to that point, will I even want it anymore?

I wouldn't worry about that. I know you do because you can't see the bigger picture, but believe me, it won't serve you to worry about it and it'll only keep you stuck in the past. Worry about your kids and yourself. That's enough for now. And that's more than enough to keep you busy.

Until you can handle those things and handle them well, don't let yourself worry about the rest. Right now you wouldn't be in a position to deal with that anyway. You'll see that more clearly later. Trust me.

Peace,
AJ

[dwh15]

Wow AJ, thanks for the reply, but you've been through this and your wife actually married the other dude? I've got to go read your thread now. Man, that is discouraging, but I suppose every situation can't end like a Disney movie. As I get further out, especially with the min contact, I do notice that the days are getting easier. For the first couple months, she had it made, with me acting like her BFF, giving her money, shoulder to cry on, etc. As soon as I rock the boat, she goes full force B##tch on Wheels. I'm sure she thinks she is punishing me with breaking off contact. We'll see how long it lasts. The reality is she did me a big favor, as I was stuck in Denial, still desperately hoping she would come to her senses any day and come back home. I can finally detach, and move on with my life, whatever that happens to look like. I still love her, and would like the chance to make it work, especially with 4 kids involved, but I don't want to put everything on hold for the next few years while she runs around acting like a crazy person. I really don't know if she's going to snap out of it, and looking back I can see signs of problems as long as 5 years ago, where she really transformed into a different person. Can somebody who's been lost for that long ever truly recover? Maybe, but I'm getting more skeptical by the day. Even WW's own family doesn't recognize her; they talk to me more often than her and all are pulling for me to get full custody of the kids. I'm going to spend the day with her sister this weekend. My family jokes that after a D, I'll be saying I won WW's family as part of the settlement. It's all just very sad.

[dwh15]

Journaling: My WW texted me today around 1pm while I was meeting brother for lunch. Asked how my 10-year-old was doing, since she hadn't really seen him in almost 2 weeks. I replied he was fine. Then she mentioned picking him up after she got out of work at 3pm and spending some time together. I replied I thought it was a good idea and said I would have him ready.

So she stops by the house around 3:15pm and seemed overall in good spirits. It was the first time we had physically seen each other in almost a week. I was worried but overall the interaction went fine. We talked briefly about the kids, she asked if she could borrow some Motrin, as she was out, and I let her. I stayed very calm and disconnected the whole time. She mentioned something about how her and OM had been sleeping on recliners in the living room instead of the bed, due to how uncomfortable the bed was. No idea why she brought it up, but I didn't bite on the topic. She stayed around 10 minutes, then left with S10 to go grab a bite to eat and hang out for a while. Overall, I feel it went fine, and am glad to see we can be in the same room without glaring daggers at each other. I plan on being gone when she brings S10 back later - no reason to chance a bad encounter after a good one like this.

[Vanilla]

Sounds ok to me.

Detached like a vet

V

[dwh15]

Thanks V. I'm never sure how I'm doing at the time but I felt good about it after she left. I wasn't overly friendly, but I was responsive. Didn't really smile much but not mad either. Acted more detached, like I didn't care if she was there or not. That's the right way to play it, right? I always read how you should act happy, self confident, etc. but I'm not quite ready for that yet. But I can pull off distant and detached no problem.

[Vanilla]

Basically Dwh like a neighbour you like. So if you would say "great weather, how are you" or " I was sad to hear about your car being stolen, has it been found?" or "how are your gallstones, I heard you were in hospital" . Admin on things other than your children. Immediate attention and care with co parenting. L on fins (financial matters) as there is often more heat than light on that.

Soft warm friendly tone, interested but no more. Smile, stand confident and leave the conversation first.

In my own case I have complete NC and have no intention of treating my WH in any friendly way, he is an abuser so it's not appropriate. No more R so talk through my L, am telling you this because I want to show the contrast. Warmth to indifference, note that I am not being hostile, just business like, like a grey breeze block. In your case you are paving the way home without chasing or perusing. A stance of standing for your M but not running around in circles.

V

[dwh15]

HELP!! WW calls me this afternoon in tears. She got in a huge fight with OM and is moving out. She is out of town the next 2 nights with a friend but I know she is thinking she can just move back home when she returns. I haven't agreed, and told her I thought it was a bad idea, but she got defensive and said I couldn't keep her out of her own home. Now legally, no idea where I stand at the moment. I'll be checking with my attorney first thing tomor to verify whether I have the legal right to refuse her living here. Since there is no official D filing or separation agreement yet, not sure how that all works.

But my bigger question is really: is it a good idea for a possible R in the M? I can tell that she's deeply hurt and still has strong feelings for OM. In fact, he gave her the Love You But Not In Love speech - oh sweet Karma. I may not even have a choice but to let her back, at least temporarily, but curious if anyone had input on best way to handle it, assuming that's where I end up. I know sometimes people live together as roommates and are able to still work on things. It's not what I wanted, and I was totally unprepared for something like this. Any and all feedback appreciated.

[Vanilla]

Dwh

Please consider that which is best for you and indeed consult L.

WW isn't returning as a positive 'yes, yes, yes I want to be with dwh, let's work it out, I am so very sorry and I have true remorse for my A. let's piece, go to MC anything to make a new M'

It's more of 'my heart is broken by OM and I need a hole to crawl into' , woe is me'. Response.

You really need a vet like Wonka or Starsky on this one. I suggest a shout out to one of them. You could also have a read of HPoirots thread and post there.

All I can do is support you. what do you want and is WW ready to give that?

If your gut is saying WW isn't ready to come home or you are not ready for that, I would listen.

V

[WhyUs]

Dwh,

This is a tough position to be in. Hopefully wonka or starsky will be here soon. Praying for you.