So we ended up working through things and being happy. But we never addressed all of the issues that I had from previous BD and they led to me having anxiety and stress about our relationship. W and kids went across the country to spend time with her sister for a month this summer. As soon as they left, I became lonely and missed all of them. I texted my W constantly and she would of be mad and tell me to stop being so needy. I tried, but couldn't. I flew over there to spend time with the inlaws and the whole family was supposed to fly back together. The last night we were there I asked her why her phone was always so close to her and if she was hiding something. She said no and lets just go to sleep. I kept pressing and we finally looked at her phone. Nothing to see. But she said she keeps it to herself because of the conversations she has with her sister and friend. She said she can't talk to me about the depression stuff she talks to them about. We went back and forth about me wanting to understand but her not wanting to deal with me trying to fix her problems. She finally blew up and said she was done, done fighting, done caring and done with emotions. I stopped right the. And dropped it. Since the. She has been closed off. She still wears her rings, talks about the future with us and asks my permission about things. Sometimes she calls me honey, but no touching and she slept on the couch last night. I am detaching and following the rules. I haven't begged or pleaded yet I just told her to let me know what she decides. We haven't talked at all yet today.
Suck to be back here, but this is a great group of people
Thomas
Me (33), W(30) 3 kids (13S, 8D, 3D) Together 13years Married 7 years
Wife said D 6-3-2014 Went on M saving vacation 6-16-2014 Things good 8-2014 to 7-17-2015 I'm DONE. 7-18-2015
Thomas, I just skimmed through your old thread and I have some questions for you, because I have some of the same issues.
But first, is your W getting treatment for depression? I think there is a lot of hope because she is still talking about the future, wearing her rings, etc, maybe she just is having a backslide and this is a bump in the road to recovery? I really am not qualified to give advice, but that is my opinion. I would think that after "saving" a marriage it would be normal to have old issue resurface every now and then, a lot of painful things happened, and we all have moments of weakness, especially if she is depressed. Stay strong and try to keep a PMA and encourage her to seek help. And this time you have your DB skills to use right away, before you make the same mistakes we all made before finding DB.
My question for you is based on your old thread- about the physical aspects of your relationship. Do you think continuing to have sex without the kissing and without the "I love you" and commitment was the right thing to do? Or do you wish you had held off? I am in a similar position right now, don't want to give up the sex because, well, I like it, but at the same time I don't want to degrade myself and my marriage by doing it with someone who may very well hate me or be fantasizing about someone else. What do you think?
Yes. She is getting treatment, has been taking meds since last year. The problem is that she will have bad thoughts in her head, but won't talk with me because I might overreact or try to fix her. So she talks to friends or her sister. I would like to be the person she talks to. I don't know a lot of what goes on in her head and would like to know her better.
As for the sex thing, I don't know. I think it is ok as long as it's not forced. I let her take the lead on it and if I felt her pull back I would stop. It [censored] having sex without the passion of kissing, but it was a way to blow off steam and help relax. I think it was an ok thing to do and I am not sure it changed anything. It did suck to not get the emotions, but I guess it was better for that than for her to be doing it with someone else.
I hope that helps and thank you for your comments
Thomas
Me (33), W(30) 3 kids (13S, 8D, 3D) Together 13years Married 7 years
Wife said D 6-3-2014 Went on M saving vacation 6-16-2014 Things good 8-2014 to 7-17-2015 I'm DONE. 7-18-2015
Thomas, it might be better if you don't know what is going on in her head if she is depressed. Depression can be illogical. My H was/is depressed and for months he talked to me about it and pretty much it was awful. I couldn't help him because he didn't want to be "talked out of it" or listened to and validated, he wanted someone to join his pity party. I didn't and he found another woman who did (she had similar problems), but maybe my example is not a good one now that I think about it. Maybe you can ask her what you can do to help her when she is depressed? Maybe you be helpful in a way that doesn't involve talking about it if she doesn't want to talk with you, maybe go for a walk together or give her a massage? What if you asked her how you can be supportive in a way she can accept from you?
Thank you for answering my question about sex. I think its a good release, but it does make me sad when the kissing is just....so unfeeling. But on the other hand, why be sexually frustrated if you don't have to. It is a tough choice. I am going to keep doing it as long as I don't think it is hurting our R. And it is probably the one thing H hasn't complained about.
Tonight was calm and laid back. Had some small chit chat about the kids. She made dinner and then asked me how my day was. I told her then asked her about hers. I did the dishes after dinner and she told me she really appreciated it in a sincere way. I started watching a movie with the family and started dozing off so said goodnight to the kids and headed up to bed. She said goodnight to me. So it seems like small positive steps. I giving her all the space she needs and I am not pressing for anything, not even a touch. She slept on the couch last night and I asked her about tonight and she said she didn't know. But whatever floats her boat, my back won't be hurting when I wake up in the morning
Thanks for the support Thomas
Me (33), W(30) 3 kids (13S, 8D, 3D) Together 13years Married 7 years
Wife said D 6-3-2014 Went on M saving vacation 6-16-2014 Things good 8-2014 to 7-17-2015 I'm DONE. 7-18-2015
But we never addressed all of the issues that I had from previous BD and they led to me having anxiety and stress about our relationship.
Thomas,
Sorry you're back here, but I suggest that you start with this above. Any reason why you didn't fully dive into this when you reconciled before? Did you ever finish DB/DR from the last go around?
It sounds like W is afraid to open up to you because she feels you are going to dismiss her emotions and try to fix her. I can relate, I'm a fixer also, so I know it's hard to just listen and validate. Have you talked to her about starting MC so your issues can be discussed in a 'safe' environment?
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
We had talked about going through these issues but not right away as we were still getting back in the groove of things. Things stayed good for us and we never had the talk. I would try to touch on bits and pieces here and there, but it never led to anything. I did read the book but just never finished the process I guess
As far as her emotions, we haven't talked about them since before The first BD last year. I know she is messed up and I just want her to get help and be happy. She is always negative and never sees the positive side of things like me. It is just hard to relate to her and she gets mad when I try to.
Me (33), W(30) 3 kids (13S, 8D, 3D) Together 13years Married 7 years
Wife said D 6-3-2014 Went on M saving vacation 6-16-2014 Things good 8-2014 to 7-17-2015 I'm DONE. 7-18-2015
Another question I have is when or if I should ask her about going to marriage counseling. She doesn't seem to be pushing towards leaving me yet, but I have backed way off. Should I wait for her to make a move or would suggesting counseling be ok to do?
Me (33), W(30) 3 kids (13S, 8D, 3D) Together 13years Married 7 years
Wife said D 6-3-2014 Went on M saving vacation 6-16-2014 Things good 8-2014 to 7-17-2015 I'm DONE. 7-18-2015
We had talked about going through these issues but not right away as we were still getting back in the groove of things. Things stayed good for us and we never had the talk. I would try to touch on bits and pieces here and there, but it never led to anything. I did read the book but just never finished the process I guess
As far as her emotions, we haven't talked about them since before The first BD last year. I know she is messed up and I just want her to get help and be happy. She is always negative and never sees the positive side of things like me. It is just hard to relate to her and she gets mad when I try to.
In other words, you didn't really DB at all. You simply let her stay....without doing any work. Everything was swept under the rug. You have deceived yourself into thinking things were good. I bet she would give a different version.
Please do not leave the impression with these newcomers that you reconciled your M. It seems obvious that nothing was resolved, and you have not changed from your co-dependent, pressuring ways. You did not follow any DB advice the first time around (which is your choice) but you may need to tell anyone who asks your advice about their M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
