I am going to post a quote from Starsky in Peter's thread over in Infidelity forum here as it applies to your sitch perfectly:
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Wonka is right, Peter. The problem with "grand pronouncements" about "moving on" is that the very pronouncement itself indicates that you're NOT moving on. It comes across like you're trying to get some sort of reaction out of her, and trying to get her to stay.
I think it would be much better, considering just HOW far along you are in your sitch -- and considering you totally lived up to your end of the bargain in waiting for after your stepdaughter's wedding -- to merely just let her know you've got a place, and you're moving out on the 30th (or whatever). At MOST just say "I have decided that this isn't working for me anymore, and I need to get on with my life."
Let her pursue YOU for a change.
Starsky
I've bolded the section for you to pay attention to....and i think you can use it on your W when you decide to actually move out.
Re-posting for emphasis.
If you don't want to do this, NH, that's fine. But I wish you'd just say that, so maybe those of us who've been following you can discuss it with you. But you say you're done making these little speeches, and yet I still see you trying to get a reaction out of your wife, to "snap some sense into her" as it were.
As long as this is your tack, you're going to remain largely STUCK I'm afraid.
I didn't think I was doing that, Starsky. I was making it clear to her (I thought) that things weren't working as-is and I was ready to move on. It wasn't a grand pronouncement, just something I mentioned in the course of a conversation.
What am I missing here?
Last edited by NH115; 07/21/1506:40 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
At the risk of sounding abrasive (because maybe I misunderstood something in your post):
NH, you do a lot of self-reflection. And you've acknowledged your fear and how you've let it stand in your way.
Sounds like it is still there and calling the shots.
Everybody has been clear that your best bet is to make a decision and MOVE on it. You seemed ready to make your move just a few days ago then ... yawn ... you decide to talk the decision over with your W - again? (Because we all know how THAT has gone over since you landed here ...)
And then, you're back to mindreading your W's behavior. (And she sounds to me like a *Master* Manipulator, so attempting to read her behavior is like a dog chasing its tail ... and another dog's tail ... all at once.)
Am I missing something?
Because I'll be brutally honest: If I smell indecision and weakness, you can bet W can. And she's seeing that she can throw you a bone and you roll over. ***That is not*** what a woman truly wants in a man. With your W, it's happened so often that I swear she has learned exactly how to manipulate you into thinking the crumbs she's throwing you are stuffed turkeys. I think it's become so natural to her that she may not even realize she's doing it! But like a dog who learns to sit for a treat - even if his master is only pretending to hold one - she's trained you to sit and stay.
It's no wonder she keeps jerking your chain. (To be able to jerk your chain, she has to be holding you by one.)
Your W has no reason to change. She's going to continue keeping you right where you are until YOU decide it's time to move. And then - and only THEN - you TELL her what you're going to do. Don't wait for her opinion. Don't wait for her input. Don't discuss it with her.
Decide. And act.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
OK, I have been slower than I planned. I'm trying to figure out the money. In other words, I can't figure out how to pay for a place to stay right now. It's only math, I will figure that out.
Should I move out right before OM shows up? He's coming the first week of August. Would I not just be sealing the deal for her at that point?
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
OK, I have been slower than I planned. I'm trying to figure out the money. In other words, I can't figure out how to pay for a place to stay right now. It's only math, I will figure that out.
Should I move out right before OM shows up? He's coming the first week of August. Would I not just be sealing the deal for her at that point?
I would not move out right away. It just makes you look like a scaredy cat running away from the OM. F@ck that! I would stay put in the house.
Meanwhile, you can start exploring some living arrangement options. Looking at places takes time along with considerations for your kids...meaning access to your children and financial feasibility.
Even if it means you start saving up for a move in September for down payment and other practicalities.
Do not do anything hasty.
When you have all of those details lined up, then you can casually tell your W that this isn't working out for you and that you're moving out on XXXX date.
As a practical matter, I don't think I'd be able to line up a place before he came to town anyway. It's in 2 weeks.
I'm looking in Craigslist for a roommate situation. That way I won't have all the startup costs associated with moving into an apartment and the monthly rent should be a little less. If it turns out that my M is going to officially end then I can start looking for more permanent digs.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
