I need some help wrapping my mind around MC. We haven't had an appointment in 3 weeks because of vacation. Things are getting better. I am GAL, doing 180's, taking better care of myself. Working on STFU. H is communicating more, calling, and doing more around the house. Still won't say he loves me, or that he has any role in our problems, still thinks I have destroyed his life (well I assume he still thinks this, he hasn't told me otherwise.) I still have no idea if we are going to work this out or not, all depends on H at this point.
So. MC is tomorrow. I do NOT trust this counselor. He gets great reviews online, and even my IC told me she has heard great things about him. But he seems to blame me for every thing and is not positive or forward moving. Every time I leave there I feel worse. H likes him and this is the only time we talk about our R, so I feel like we need to continue.
In our last session, counselor said he has seen hundreds of women in my position and I am doing better than most. He asked H if he thought so, and H seemed genuinely confused that I had anything to be coping with. Because of course, it is all about him. Then the counselor said something about the EA, and how I failed his test by giving H an ultimatum and controlling that situation, and said "it wasn't a REAL affair, it was a friendship, and you controlled him" ????? Said it wasn't outside of work and I told him, yes it was, he even left my kids home alone to go see her, texted her all night, etc. I believe we "got it" before it turned into a PA, but it was VERY real especially to H, he even admitted that before we started counseling. So here we are. I pretty much am over the EA (or maybe I am kidding myself???), I haven't brought it up in 2 months but the counselor does, and only to attack me and accuse me of being controlling. I don't really understand. Is he trying to get us to deal with this? Or does he really believe I am so controlling that I deserve to suffer through betrayal as a payback?
Actually I heard him tell H a few times to end it, so I know he doesn't truly believe that it was harmless. I don't want to talk about the EA. She already had enough attention, I want to focus on the marriage. I want to encourage H to check back in, I want to learn skills how to move forward, how to understand each other, etc., I don't want to hash out old problems, especially now that I see so much hope.
But H keeps saying I am controlling and so I feel like I need to go with the flow. His example was that I asked him to ask his dad to move his car when it was blocking our mailbox instead of directly asking his dad????? Also when his parents asked if they could take the boys on a cruise, I asked for the dates and location before I said yes. It pretty much boils down to he thinks I controlled his relationship with his parents. I do not believe that I have, but I can and have been backing off and letting him and them do their own thing without comment since BD.
So what do I say/do in counseling? I think we are at a good point now to start working on our marriage, but H could still be very easily scared away. Do I just go along with whatever the counselor says to show that I am cooperative and not controlling? The counselor said something about resolving our past conflicts and I said I don't think we can go back and resolve 25 years of conflicts, but we can resolve what is happening now and resolve things as they happen in the future, and he said not everyone can do that. H said he cannot, he has to go back and resolve the past. So do I sit there and rehash 25 years of conflicts just to go along with this? I am beyond frustrated and scared to death that I am going to mess this up.
For me THIS would be an issue. I think you and H both need to absolutely be comfortable with your MC if it's going to have any real, solid impact.
I also think no matter how difficult it may be, you do need to deal with some of your past issues, given that those things are what have brought you here.
Since H seems to be feeling you have been controlling in your M, maybe you can turn this into a 180 of sorts? Something like "H, I'm not really comfortable with our current MC, do you have any thoughts or ideas about another MC we could try out?" Then, you've spoken your mind but also given H a chance to weigh in and make a decision for a change.
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
Thank you Jedi. I have been doing a 180- actually a few of them- very successfully. When the counselor asks H if he has noticed (I don't bring up the term 180 or DB, it is my "secret" but it does come up in counseling that I am responding to H's concerns) H will say "Yes, but we will see if she can keep it up..." or he will bring up another criticism instead.
I am wondering if the counselor is doing a "MC" version of DB. He told me in the beginning that H couldn't handle traditional MC and that I would have to do most of the work. He gets excellent reviews for dealing with men with anger issues. So I wonder if this is his technique- get H to feel comfortable with him while getting me to change. At some point it will have to balance out. Or maybe he is just really on H's side and thinks I deserve to be cheated on and yelled at? How do I know? Every time I leave there I feel worse. And for me, the worst part is that every time I leave there I know H goes and reports back to his parents that MC said I am controlling, or MC agreed he deserved his affair, etc. And then they tell me how terrible I am. So I feel like H, the MC, and the inlaws are all ganging up on me. At least EA isn't ganging up on me too anymore. At least I don't think so.
Has anyone heard of a counselor doing this? Is this a real technique or did I just find an angry incompetent counselor? I will update tonight after counseling. Maybe I should make an appointment to speak with him about his technique and where it is going? If he really has a plan and he thinks it will work I will go along with it. I told H that I have my doubts and maybe we should consider other options, H just said he likes him and didn't say anything else.
OK, I will update tonight. I will stay calm in counseling and speak up about my concerns and where this is going. And maybe start finding recommendations for other counselors.
I should also add for anyone following my drama, that my daughter has started to relapse again and I don't know what I am going to do if she gets out of control again. This is what caused H's original breakdown, and to be honest, I wasn't far behind him. Brought her to the dr today and yesterday and they changed her Rx starting today, she is now on Prozac. The other meds were not working and giving her heart palpitations. H has not asked about her appointment today and yesterday when I tried to tell him about her behavior over the weekend he got that panicky look and made a dismissive comment- don't remember what but something along the lines of "why are you telling me this". He cannot deal with her when she is losing it. (to be fair to him, it is hell, she gets agitated and can go on for hours at a time and lashes out at me and him.) So if she doesn't respond well to the prozac, there is a good chance that my marriage problems will be nothing compared to what comes next with her. This is so hard.
MC said H is in no position to do real work. I have to do all the work at this point. That is what I suspected. I didn't ask him about saying the EA was a test and not a real affair because H was there. The last few weeks I thought were a big improvement. H thinks they were a setback and he feels worse. This is so frustrating. His biggest problem with me now is that I show emotion. Yes, I am emotional. Working on it, I can tone it down and be less reactive. But I am never going to be non-emotional. But I will tone it down. I have been, I will do better.
I have never been so tempted to just quit as I am right now. But I won't because that would be an emotional reaction and not want I really want. I am so frustrated and hurt right now. H interprets EVERY single thing I do in the worst way possible. He is just clinging to his hurt so tightly and will not budge an inch. I need to work on validating too. Hard to do when H barely speaks a word.
Or maybe he is just really on H's side and thinks I deserve to be cheated on and yelled at? How do I know? Every time I leave there I feel worse. And for me, the worst part is that every time I leave there I know H goes and reports back to his parents that MC said I am controlling, or MC agreed he deserved his affair, etc. And then they tell me how terrible I am. So I feel like H, the MC, and the inlaws are all ganging up on me.
P, This sounds terrible. No one, you included, deserves to be cheated on. Stop that line of thinking right now, it leads nowhere.
I really cannot say as I'm not this person, but this doesn't sound like a pro marriage / solution based MC to me. IMO, you should both leave MC feeling better, maybe even optimistic about the future of your M. I'm not saying it should be easy, but what you describe sounds totally one sided.
I still think you need to seek an alternative MC.
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
Thank you Pigpen, bttrfly and jedi. I don't meditate. I did yoga for years, but could never get the meditation part down- my mind is just all over the place. Maybe I will try today.
I agree about the MC. I do feel a little better about him after last night, but the hurt he caused me by saying H was justified in having the affair really was cruel.
H is working from home today and tried to initiate a conversation with me and I just can't bring myself to talk to him. I am going to be emotional and he will say I am freaking out. Instead of seeing that I am hurting more than I ever have in my whole life and having one ounce of sympathy, he will use it against me. So I am staying away from him until I feel in control. I
I am having a bad day. Just went out for a walk with a friend and my son, and now home again and trying not to react. I was so hopeful after the last few weeks, really trying and really working on myself. H wanted A, B and C, I did A, B and C, no ackowledgement of that but now he is really upset about D and E. I feel like it doesn't matter what I do, he just hates me. MC said that in love we give each other the benefit of the doubt, and put a positive spin on our interactions and H is not doing that. He is finding fault in everything I do. MC said I am ready to really listen to H and act with love so I have to keep doing that and H will eventually be ready. I know we are all on here because we want to save our marriages, but at what point does it become too painful? I am not there yet, but this is so hard.
