I'm certainly no expert and I have only read this thread. I always wonder about someone saying they are in "piecing" the day after someone leaves. That just sounds.....illogical to me.
You seem like a wonderful lady and I know you want to be with your h. However, just reread your last post. If he isn't working on any of the issues, then you can't truly be in "piecing." Doesn't mean you can't get there, however, perhaps you are trying to assign a "label" to help you through this? I don't perceive this to be piecing and that isn't a bad thing. You just don't appear to be there yet. Maybe you get there and maybe you don't. Time will tell. I don't say any of this to be harsh. Just an observation.
Hang in there. And reread what you last wrote:)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/17/1503:23 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
In the couple of MC sessions H and I have been to he has said all the right things. How much he loves me, how he does not want a divorce and what an amazing bond we have. However, when trying to bring up things that caused or contributed to our BD he avoids and gets agitated. I will continue to GAL and get my house in order. I get discouraged spending time wih him, because he does not seem to want to work on himself as I am working on myself.
Basically, he wants me to fix the things that he had issues with (the kids, the animals, the house) and then move to be with him and everything will be hunky dory. That will not work! The underlying issues that he has will still be there. I will be in a much more vulnerable state having to leave my job, my family and pretty much everything behind. Unless I know that he is fully committed to working on our marriage and becoming a better "partner" how can I take that chance? I know that unless he works on himself I can't live with him. We will be getting right back on the Merry-Go-Round and in a years time we will be right back at this point again. Sometimes I just want to give up!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Not feeling very motivated today. It's cold and wet today and I really should do dome more sorting and trashing in the basement. Tomorrow my BFF and her H are coming over and spending the afternoon, evening and next day with me to clear out more stuff. It's hard to downsize from a 4 bedroom house to a max. 2 bedroom apartment. I know I will feel much better when it happens, but the getting there is hard. Had a nice hour long conversation about just random things like the PanAm Games with H. No R talk, no future talk, just nice normal conversation.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
The past few days I've done a lot of reading on this forum. It amazes me how strong people are and how freely they give advice to others in similar or even different situations. I know I should be grateful that H and I still have a "relationship". When I get discouraged I read how others stand strong through even greater adversity and it gives me strength in return.
I will continue to work on myself and on my house. Selling this house is not for him and our R, it is for me. For me to downsize and simplify my life. As much as I get upset at times I have to do this on my own, without his help. It is my house, my responsibility. When it's done I will feel better having accomplished a huge undertaking. I am also grateful that unlike most situations here, there are no L involved. We split our "stuff" fairly easy. He took what he came with and bought for himself and his business and I kept my house, the cars (all in my name and I pay the loans on them), most of the furniture and all the animals (he is not an animal lover). We have no children together. If D is in our future it will be a smile divorce. Here in Canada you have to wait a year if there was no cause. No A, no abuse. If H and I do reconcile it will be completely on us with no external factors. I set up MC with a new counsellor. Hoping that will help with some of our issues.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Something about your sitch confuses me. Can I explain?
I see a woman, a kind and generous woman. One who takes on all of everyone else's burdens, their responsibilities. No worry Diana takes care of it, cats, dogs, guinea pigs, belongings. I see someone over burdened, working long hours to provide.
I see someone who has a serious physical illness struggling to provide at the same level before she was ill.
I also sense this is a Diana who hangs on to these burdens as she fills her life with belongings and the clutter of living. I see her struggling and hear confusion in her voice.
I see something of myself.
I believe Diana needs to put Diana, her health and wellbeing above all.
I have other questions I would like to ask of you but before I do, your observations on my views would be much appreciated.
You can say not relevant V if you wish.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/21/1502:06 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yes, yes and yes! I did take on everyone's burdens. I was always the responsible one. Took care of everything and everyone as best as I could. Now I feel I can't anymore. I'm burned out! Physically, mentally and emotionally burned out. I have this big house, filled with things I really don't want and need. I'm alone most of the time. My daughter is still here with me. Bless her heart, but she thinks she has to take care of me. I see her turning into the same person as I was. I don't want that for her. I want her to spread her wings and live her life.
I do love my H, but am taking a huge step back. He needs to live his life and grow up. Only then will our M have a chance. As much as I don't want to be alone, I have to be alone. I have to find myself again. I don't even know what it is that I like to do anymore. I'm on a new journey. My whole life has to change. It's scary walking away from everything I've known and done for the last 20 years, but if I don't I will always wonder "What if?".
Today is my daughters 23rd Birthday. We are going out for lunch at an Indian food restaurant (her favourite). Before that, my brother, her and I will be taking the second load of trash to the dump. Every bit that gets cleaned out feels like a burden lifting from my shoulders. I have to keep going. I know I will have tears when this house finally sells, but then I will have freedom from something else I really don't need and want.
V, by all means ask me anything. You are kind and wise. You have helped and guided so many people on this forum.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I finally had a little time to stop in and catch up on your sitch and just say hi and thanks for commenting on mine. In some ways, you seem very much like me and I see a lot of similarities.
While you have some vets commenting who are FAR more knowledgeable and helpful than I, one thing I can tell you for sure is that counseling has been invaluable for me. I would have loved to get my XH to go with me, but he was too interested in just getting out, but I did take the time to do it for me and it was the best decision I have ever made. The first few sessions, I could do nothing but cry my way through, but now, I am stronger, more confident.
One thing I read all the time on here is how things will get better with time and for me, that has proven to be entirely true. Our D was final in mid-December and XH moved and started a life with a new person in early Feb. While he focuses on someone else, I have focused on me and that has made all the difference for me.
Hang in there, Diana. I am living proof that it DOES get better and I hope the very same for you, lady.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
You are so right to recognize that the changes you are making with your house & your life are for you, not your R. Is your H currently expecting you to move to his new location once the house is taken care of?
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
