Forgot to mention one important detail: on Saturday H. said "we are going to have to talk about this sitch soon." I calmly said "sure, let me know when."
Then this sqeaky clean person came out. I do feel like he is buttering me up for something. Maybe he will ask for apt. again? Announce existence of OW? I do feel like he is laying down good feelings between us before this conversation takes place.
I assume no matter what he tells me to STFU, respond not react and validate anywhere I can?
Also, H once told me that in his teen years his mother worked so many hours to support them (his father was a deadbeat) that she was never home. He said he had his run of the place and he loved it. I remember saying "wasn't that lonely?" He insisted no. But he has subsequently commented that our home became lonely and he wanted an apartment. Wondering if he's looking to go back and face that time and if that's why apartment is so important?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
FYI-forgot to point out that at various times in our R H actually referred to his childhood home during these years as "having his own apartment" and how "cool" it all was.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Had a great night yesterday. We ate outside-beautiful night. H stayed at table longer than usual. He is a lot less fidgety/nervous. Had a few opportunities to validate.
After dinner I made shakes with my son, took a long walk by myself and then hung out with son.
H took dog out for walk by himself and returned with an item for himself and one for us? He made a point of saying he bought it for us. H was never the type to pick up needed items unless asked. I said thank you and told him I appreciated it as Job has indicated that this is important to him. Then he made himself a smoothie and one for all of us. He even carried them over to us. Showed appreciation there too. This also is a new development as he always used to just make whatever he needed.
Last few days he has come into the room making direct eye contact with me. This am he came out in AM to say goodbye to me before I left for work. This is a first. Usually, I just go past his door (which is always shut) and like to any house guest I say "bye, have a good day."
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Had a great night yesterday. We ate outside-beautiful night. H stayed at table longer than usual. He is a lot less fidgety/nervous. Had a few opportunities to validate.
After dinner I made shakes with my son, took a long walk by myself and then hung out with son.
H took dog out for walk by himself and returned with an item for himself and one for us? He made a point of saying he bought it for us. H was never the type to pick up needed items unless asked. I said thank you and told him I appreciated it as Job has indicated that this is important to him. Then he made himself a smoothie and one for all of us. He even carried them over to us. Showed appreciation there too. This also is a new development as he always used to just make whatever he needed.
Last few days he has come into the room making direct eye contact with me. This am he came out in AM to say goodbye to me before I left for work. This is a first. Usually, I just go past his door (which is always shut) and like to any house guest I say "bye, have a good day."
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
H approached me yesterday in house and we had first "normal" conversation since April. Full eye contact (a first), relaxed body, etc.
I was taken off guard so I was nervous at first. But I stopped what I was doing, looked at him, listened, etc.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I have only read this posts, so could have missed it in other posts, but where are your GAL's, what are some things you are doing for yourself. My GALS helped me so very much, I actually started to love myself again, which really helped me a lot. It feels great to get out and have fun with my friends. At the start of my BD I was a MESS inside, I took time and started to work on me, on loving myself more then I loved everyone around me, It made it easier to deal with the MLC issues, I faked it until I made it and now I'm in such a better place.
It all started with my GAL's so I'm ask where are your GALS?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Well, I don't think the GAL was such an issue for me pre-BD. You haven't read older posts but I just came out of a depression in the fall (dealing w/childhood issues when my mom died and a close family member's child was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder). I was dealing with 2 traumas at once.
Through it I distanced from H. I do remember him reaching out to me but I just couldn't come out of it. It is hard to explain but he made multiple attempts to reach me without ever directly saying I was depressed. In hindsight he did stand by me through it all with kindness and patience. So I do think he, too, will remember how I treat him through the worst of his depression. I withdrew first and I am sure I pushed him to do the same. If he came home I went off to be by myself. I was by myself A LOT. I didn't even say "hello" or "goodbye." Sound familiar?!?
Through it all I did have a life though. I played a lot of tennis (got very fit and socialized there) worked part-time, walked a lot. I did lose touch with friends as I withdrew from everyone but my sisters.
So my sitch is somewhat tough as H wants time and space but his top complaint has been he was bottom tier priority. As he was.
My 180 is a little different I think. I have to be present more, re-engage with kids and I have had to come back to life in my home!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Through all this reading I am learning so much about my behavioral patterns. It's amazing to see the results of practicing my changes, in myself/how I feel and in the situations around me. Feels so much saner!
Meanwhile H continues to stick his head out further. On Sun. he mentioned that he now hates the room he is sleeping in (downstairs bedroom). I was quiet/said nothing/just listened.
I wanted to tell him he could move back into the bedroom but I am hesitant to stick my neck out and invite him back. Maybe he feels the same? Any advice here if he mentions it again? I don't want to initiate any R talk but want to move things along where it makes sense. In the end he said maybe he would just move his desk to another part of the house to give himself a break from the room. I listened here too. Maybe he was waiting for an invitation back?
Advice needed is: how do I encourage w/out pressuring or scaring him away. I would rather take it slow and do it right then rush and botch everything up.
He consistently initiates doing more with us as a family.
On Sun. he suggested kids go to friends' houses and we do something together w/o kids. We went out for the day together. This was one of his chief complaints pre BD-that we weren't putting our R first. And he was right. So when he suggested it I validated and said: great idea! And arranged for kids to go elsewhere.
It felt like a date but odd because we've been there, done that. He carried some of my stuff to the beach like he used to do. We went to lunch afterwards. It was raining so he left me inside while he picked up the car. He said he should take me out to lunch soon. I said that would be nice. This is a 180 as at BD 2 he venomously told me (with shark eyes) that he was done with the whole going to lunch together bit.
We are going away for my birthday/summer vacation. H has said several times he hopes I have a nice time. Seems to want to please me. I know: zero expectations and act "as if." But, can't help wondering: is he seeing me as wife, gf or mother?
He showed pictures of upcoming trip accommodations to me and kids. Categorically said: this is where your mom and I will sleep - one bed in separate room from kids.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Don't you think your h needs to earn your trust and be transparent with his email and cell phone accounts? He has to do the necessary work on himself and if you are willing to give him the milk, then why purchase the cow?
You need to take things slowly because if you are willing to allow him back in the bedroom this quickly and sweep everything under the rug, then what has he learned? The answer is: he can cake eat and you are more than willing to open the door and let him in no matter what he's doing or done to you and your family. He needs to earn your trust and respect and start out as friends and go from there.
Pretending that this situation has never happened and working through the issues that got your marriage to where it is, have to be worked through, i.e., acknowledged and discussed and worked through by both parties. Sweeping it under the rug will only cause the mess to come out again at a later time.
I can't read his mind...but who knows...he may be thinking of a nice booty call because no one else is available. Also, before having sex w/this man, he would need to have himself checked out for stds. Why? Because you don't know who he has been with and before you say he wouldn't do it...he most likely did.
My sense is he is trying to re-build. The question is, is he going to try to talk about the R or is he is going to try to move forward w/o doing so. He has indicated that soon we need to talk about the R. But those are words.
As for transparency, if he does not bring up R and is avoiding it, when do I bring it up?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
