Jim0987 #14 - due for another upgrade soon

[rd500]

Hi Jim. No do t really have much to say on EXW. It seems to me she is very angry and you would have to wonder why. She has OM and is living a new life. I've read on here that the worse time is when WAS feels apathy towards you that's clearly not the case in your sitch.

Are you really in a position to show Exw that you have fulllymrealised your part in the M breakdown Maybe in time that opportunity might happen but now it would be very difficult

Jim ,I am far from an expert so these are just my thoughts. Your Exw is in your life for a long time and no one knows what the future will bring.

Stay strong mate and take care. Rd

[Sotto]

Jim, I don't like to think of you just trudging along. It sounds as though you need a little forward momentum, and that GAL would help. lt would be great to have some options for yourself when the kids are with their Mum. I think a particularly useful kind of GAL is flexible GAL. For me that is Aqua Aerobics at the local leisure centre. It is a friendly class and is pay as you go. If I'm busy or tired, I don't always make it. But it's nice to have it there as an option if I feel like going. A couple of options for flexible GAL might make a difference perhaps?

I think your interactions with your W sound fine. And I think you are right to aim for cordial. As you say, that is a good thing for the kids as much as anything else. As for moving fully on. Well it is up to you - as for any of us - what that means and when we do it. Does it mean dating? Does it mean filing for D. Does it mean mentally closing the door to R? I'm not ready to do any of that just yet, and I do worry that it may be difficult to fully move on - but people do, and I guess I can too in time. I think the main thing is to keep moving forward - not trudging along, but enjoying the new (albeit unasked for) opportunities that being single offers. Time with friends, time for hobbies, time for yourself, time to try new things and so on. Seeking out joy, friendship and meaning in your life.

You'll get there Jim - I think you're doing really well x

[Vanilla]

Now it's my turn to agree with Toots and RD.

I recollect it was WW who proposed to you?

Seems a little history rewrite there.

I wrote two posts on the abuse thread with you in mind, about whether or not there is abuse.

Jimmy seems you still have time.


V

[jim0987]

Hi all.

I thought I would post an update although on the whole my situation is pretty stable and peaceful.

XW is still seems very happy with OM, and the kids seem to be getting on with him well.

They have plans for different things coming up which I think of as 'family activities' so my being replaced hurts.

Part time parenting has its advantages, I'm better rested and have been out much more. I can see from my Interaction with XW that it's working well for her because they are able to do couple type activities that you just can't with a toddler in tow.

On the interaction front is pretty unemotional most if the time now. Cordial polite and quick is the best description. It works better by email or at XWs house. At my house she is still very uncomfortable.

Neither of us ever ask how the other is doing or what they are up to. We only communicate about the kids and then only in terms of childcare arrangements.

There seems to be a mutual willingness to be flexible on childcare which is good. I'm definitely the more proactive one on this but then Ive had to ask for more changes to accommodate my work commitments.

It's a stupid thing but I still get bothered by the seemingly different levels if consideration. For example I've suggested changes so that she could have the kids on mother's day where as she has asked for changes that mean I won't see the kids on my birthday without seemingly even recognising it. That's my issue to deal with in terms if how I let stuff like that affect me, because by now I really shouldn't expect any different.

GAL, well I'm filling time without really building anything substantial or feeling really enthusiastic. It's fun but without someone to share stuff with its pretty lonely and on days where I don't have anything planned I struggle to get motivated to get going.

I had a good chat with my IC about my introvert/extrovert nature and how it varies and how my nature gets dominated by other characteristics relating to my self-esteem, fears and ultimately a need for external validation. Not quite sure what to do with it but hopefully it will do me good in the long term.

Im also understanding more about what my M was really like but have to be cautious not to rewrite to much as I don't want to lessen the feelings that my XW had about it.

So overall I'm OK, a bit 'meh' and tired of it all. To be honest I'm tired of still being in love with my XW, it feels a bit pathetic when she has moved on so fully. And I still struggle with knowing that had I done differently, I wouldn't be here.

I'm debating whether filing for divorce is the right thing to do (citing her adultery) as I wonder whether finalising will help me to accept it and move on. But part of it is also because I want her to finally admit that she left me for OM1. I know this is because I feel hurt and vulnerable so want to exercise control.

Instead, I've got a lot to look forward to, including picking a holiday for next spring (thinking the far East), so I need to keep focused on what is good and enjoy what I can.

Hope you are all good, and thanks for reading.

[Sotto]

Hey Jim, good to hear from you....hope you've been having a good weekend - pretty nice weather in our part of the world!

I understand what you're saying about your W having moved on (seemingly..) But 'Dad is Dad' no matter what. So you are irreplacable in the eyes of your kids. Also, we all know the fairly predictable trajectory that R's like this take. Some combust quickly, others die slowly - but most don't survive. Who knows, your W's R with OM may be one of the fes that does survive - but we know the stats.

Cordial, polite and quick sounds not too bad Jim. I think it has been worse, and time will only help I believe. I understand on the childcare arrangements, and I think it is an area where you certainly want to choose your battles very wisely indeed. My experience of being married to H and our liaison with his XW, is that the more flexible, helpful we can all be, the better - but it does take time to get to a more comfortable place. And that time is years rather than months in situations like ours.

I hope for your sake that OM does move on as - even if you and your W don't get back together - it's easier for her partner not to be the one who contributed to your M break up.

Sounds like some useful stuff with your IC. Glad for you that this is ongoing. What you said made me think of Brene Brown's stuff. I plan to revisit that at some point soon and take things a bit further there.

I get you on the filing. I'm kind of getting to that place myself. But I would let that one bubble around for a little while perhaps. For me, it has been really important that I didn't bring our M to an end - that H did absolutely everything. He was unfaithful, he filed - it's all on him. But then I wonder if that's a bit mean - rather than me truly wanting to save the M, just not wanting things to be 'on me?'

As for me - yes, I'm also weary of being in love with H still....and giving him valuable head space too. Oh well, we'll get there Jim...

Trip to the Far East sounds fab - something to look forward to anyway xx

[rd500]

Hi Jim. Great words from Toots. , as always ! ! OM and W very unlikely to succeed but you will hopefully be in a place when it happens that you can make decisions based on your true feelings and not just the highs and lows of W doing what she did.

Kids are always a tricky one. I don't really know what to say because mine are that much older and while they obviously love their mum they don't really want her back as she is at the moment.

The Far East sounds great , do you have anywhere in mind It's quite a big place I hear !!

Take care mate. Rd

[Vanilla]

Jim

Enjoyed your last post.

Hugs

V

[jim0987]

Hi All,

I hope you all had a good weekend.

It rained a lot here today but I still had a nice day with the kids. we met some friends at a pub with an indoor play area which was good fun. we came home played some games and baked some cakes. So all good.

When XW came to pick up the kids things weren't quite so good.

I've been feeling quite down about the whole thing for a little while now. From my perspective my XW has this perfect life and I hear from D4 about all the things that she does with XW and OM1 as little family outings and at the same time i can be pretty sure that the times I have the kids they are able to have the kind of happy, fun relationship that XW and I enjoyed before we had kids. I've seen plenty of hard evidence of this.

Anyway, that's just been getting to me because of feeling not only comprehensively replaced but also a mixture of jealously because its the life i wanted with XW, but things got in the way and because in truth I'm really feeling quite lonely. There are only so many nights where I can be sat at home no matter how well I can occupy myself.

There has also been a couple of points of friction with XW during the week but it seemed fine and normal (relatively) when i collected the kids.

Anyway when XW arrived to collect the kids there were a bunch of minor things, not least that she was looking amazing, which reminded me about her new life and how things have changed. On top of the fact she was taking the kids, this upset me (not to the point of crying but definitely upset).

D4 got upset which is fairly usually does and said something about not seeing me enough. I replied that I wish I saw her more as well and we had a good hug and i carried her to the car. She was still upset though. I think she was more upset because I was.

Once D4 was in the car XW stopped to speak to me. she told me that we need to be quicker at handovers and I needed to stop upsetting the children. I told her that D4 was always upset at handovers.

She said she heard what I said to her about not seeing her enough and that I shouldn't say these things and that it wasn't fair. I replied that i understood how she feels but that I'm not going to pretend that I don't wish I could see the kids more. This conversation was repeated a couple of times before XW said that it wasn't good for the kids and that we needed to be positive at handovers.

I said that I usually was but I always want to reassure D4 that I love her and miss her just like I reassure her that XW loves her when she cries because she misses XW.

XW said she does the same but that we need to be the grown ups. There was a small amount of very non aggressive to and fro until I asked what would she like me to say.

She said nothing but repeated about being quick at handovers and some more about being grown up and positive.

At this point I said something like she needs to understand that we are living in very different circumstances from each other. She immediately got a very defensive tone and said I know nothing about her circumstances.

I didn't really comment on this but did say that I always try to make the handovers as easy as possible and that I try to make the interaction with XW as friendly as possible as I think that's best for the kids.

At this points she said that she was going and got in the car and drove off. Because the rain had eased off i got changed and went for a run.

So.......

I reacted emotionally and managed to irritate XW in the process. I don't feel I was mean or horrible but she will almost certainly seen at that way and have gone away with the view that I haven't changed at all, especially given her comments about 'needing to be the grown ups'

I might be putting too much pressure D4, I don't know but I don't want to be telling her I'm happy to see her go because that feels like telling her that its not OK for her to be upset.

I know at the root of this is the hurt I'm still feeling about the whole situation and today it got the better of me. I need to find a way to properly get over her because continuing to be in love with her isn't doing me any good.

If there is some consolation its that there was zero chance of fixing things with XW anyway so its not like I've made it worse.

As always thanks for reading and any advice/analysis is much appreciated.

[rd500]

Hi Jim. Sorry you feeling down but I completly understand Your interactions with D4 are normal. Your not a machine and D4 is your princess and S2 is your baby. Of course you have to let them know you miss them and wish you could be with them more.

This is where the big boy pants come in. Your thier dad and its your job to be there for them and part of that is keeping their sadness to a minimum I don't do handovers so I'm just giving my opinion , positive is the only way to go Phrases like , I'm going to miss you so much BUT I'm so looking forward to doing X and Y next time we are together.

Jim , my heart aches when I think of you having to hand them back to W I'm siting on sofa waiting for the shower to beat up while D14 and D11 lie awake waiting for me to go to bed so they can jump in. I put in my post how lucky I am and reading yours just makes me realise even more

This is so tough and it's reality for now All Jim can do is make the best of it.

Re making things worse or better with W. Let that go She's doing her right now and none of us know what the future holds Of course she appears happy and her life looks great from the outside but who knows what's going on really ?

We all know the stats re affairs so sit back and let time do its thing Re not enough things to do of an evening I would point towards Toots She not only a Gals but appears to find the most exciting GAL possible. Try thinking outside the box and maybe charity work ? I work for myself so I do plenty of that !! !!

Jim. One / two words. Roller coaster !

Time will reveal all and reading your posts to myself and others your one of the good guys and goods things will happen

Take care mate Rd

[Zues126]

Hey Jim, good post. I get exactly what you're saying.

You're right, what STBX thinks of you at this point is trivial. What's important is that you ARE changing for YOU. I think about this often. I've changed a lot...but ultimately I can BS everyone on DB, but I have to live with myself, and the R's I create for the rest of my life. Still a long ways to go. That's all that matters, that we stay on this road.

STBX will continue to spin her narrative. Of course you're the immature one. Yeah, because adults walk out on marriages and start shaking up with OM and exposing children to new partners before they can adjust. But you're the bad guy because you tell D you miss her. Pfft. Whatever. Detach and move on.

I know what you mean about feeling left out...it was my house, my dog, on occasion I feel it. Like I've been kicked out of my home, there's a new happy family and I'm peering into the windows at my old life...some type of twighlight zone episode. But not really anymore.

See, in chess they talk about "the space left behind". When your opponent moves a piece in a threatening way it may seem ominous, but while their piece is attacking new squares, it is no longer attacking squares it used to...so often you can take advantage of that.

For me, I'm starting to realize there are benefits to being single again. I still see my kids a lot...but when I'm not here with them I can live like a bachelor. So I get the best of both worlds...single, having fun with my friends and hobbies, reading, whatever...but still being around my children enough to feel I haven't lost my family. And while I don't have STBX anymore, I am cautiously optimistic that I'll have a better partnership with someone in the future. Watch "Louis CK's" bit on Divorce...he talks about how awesome it is for many of these reasons in standard comedic style.

Is this the road I would've chose? Would I prefer being single to being M with a good partner? No. But since I didn't chose it, and have done everything I can to stand by my M...I won't feel even a TRACE of guilt at enjoying the life that I've been given. Zues out.