drop the rope- part III

[Zephyr]

Also, the amount of engineers on this site is concerning at times.

Thanks Fogg,

We are fixers at our core. getting things running smoothly and leaving them alone IS WHAT WE DO. If I don't hear about system operational problems ... I know it things are working just fine.

Unlearning that behavior / mindset in relationships and learning how to foster growth, that is one of the reasons we are here.

[Zephyr]

So one more thing I need help with

Wife has been crazy busy and stressed with work and school and other stuff. I get how oppressive that can be for someone. I really appreciate her efforts, but she says that she feels like she is drowning, overwhelmed, only getting things 1/2 a$$ed done, failing, etc. I've taken all of the other slack with housework / cooking away...really without her asking me to do something else, I can't help any more than I am.

I am not positive if how I've been validating those kinds of feelings is right. I think she is doing a great job with it all, but saying THAT is almost a contradiction to her feelings, which I don't want to do. I can only say 'sorry you feel that way' or 'I know it is hard' or something like that so many times. I don't want to sound repetitive and let her understand that I am HEARING what she is saying.

thanks again...what would I do without YOU ALL.

[Elly4]

Zephyr, another way that you can tell her that she's doing a great job is to change your language. I teach this to some of my co-teachers but I've noticed it has worked well for my H too.

So instead of saying, "You're doing a great job" Say something along the line of "I notice that you are really working hard on your coursework. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Or "I hear that your work has been stressful for you lately. Would you like to talk about it?"

[Zephyr]

perfect Eirinn!

thank you!!!!!!!

[Elly4]

[Elly4]

Hope you're doing something fun this weekend, Z. Just thinking of you.

[Zephyr]

Hey E. Friday was boring...took dogs for a walk is all.

Yesterday had a friends wedding st 11. Nice time. After we met some of the gang for drinks at a local place got home and all i wanted to do was nap

We have another wedding today. Will be bringing the kids to this one. Have a bunch of crap to do around the house so I am hoping I can get outside to do some yard work in while W does her studying before we have to go. In laws should be getting here in a little while so have some cleanup to do before they get her.

This week gal;
Monday ???
Tuesday - IC, swimming & Grocery store
Wed - guitar lesson & kids library visit
Thursday - fishing clinic then gym to go swimming.
Friday - friends over for games!

Lots to do. Still want to come up with something for Monday, but I suspect I will end up in the basement doing a work evening...needs to get done, just having [censored] for motivation lately on that front. (One of my most necessary 180's is finishing a project.). I am having run doing other stuff so it is harder to get up for it.

Thanks for checking in on me. I've been really trying to figure out what I can be doing differently to stop the he enmeshment. That is primary goal for IC this week. Thought wanting to do it would be good enough...but alas I am a moron...that is not enough. I am getting tired of the pursuit-pursuer dance me and wife are doing. Just stop right. How do I show wife she is cherishes and not be that person who is trying too hard at the same time.

I have been a great listener when she needs to talk of vent and am Happy to help with homework whenever she asks.
That to me is not pursuit. I have been trying to schedule more activities on my own. I have not been trying to do extra things around the house just fir her benefit...trying to buy ger affection. I have been not been initiating the huge or physical stuff with her as much as I have in the past...nowhere near it, but am glad to reciprocate when she offers. I feel like I am on the right track...but at the same Time I feel like she is still the center of my universe...Uugh.

[Elly4]

Hi Zephyr, it's great that you are GALing so much, but a night off sometimes, without doing work downstairs can recharge your batteries as well, don't forget.

I'd be interested in hearing what your IC says about detaching. I know I am no where close to being as detached as I should be (example being last night). I think it's a process that we just need to go through. Wanting to is the first step, and then getting back up on the stupid horse every time we fall off. I'm getting bruises on my bruises from falling off, but I'm always stepping back up. My H is still the first person I think of when I wake up, (unless it's my son jumping on me), and the last that I think of before I fall asleep. I just keep trying to remind myself that I didn't learn how to walk the first day I tried either.

*hugs*
E

[Bob723]

So instead of saying, "You're doing a great job" Say something along the line of "I notice that you are really working hard on your coursework. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Or "I hear that your work has been stressful for you lately. Would you like to talk about it?"

Hello Z,

I haven’t been on the board much this week, so I’m sorry if it seems like a life-time ago that I checked in with you. I agree with you. Eirinn had some excellent validating statements (above).

It sounds like you have a busy GAL ahead. Good! That has been one thing that has really helped me, even though I backslide at times. I feel SO much better about myself, getting out for a few laughs with friends, etc.

Hang in there, ok? We have your back!

Your buddy,

Bob

[roist]

Give yourself a break. Your W knows how you feel. Don't stress about hat. Drop that rope Z. Don't slip back to the way you were. Refocus.

I would be interested in hearing what the vets think of your situation. But maybe it is not my place to ask. There does seem to be genuine improvements and even initiatives taken by W but still with underlying not fully committed. Can things improve bit by bit until everything clicks into place including obvious commitment? I ask this as much for me as for Z.