Need advice for a WW who left

[sandi2]

I do have a script for anti-depressives from my doctor but don't take them regularly. Some days I feel fine and others is more of a struggle

Well, I'm not a physician, but I don't think you take them on a "as needed" regiment. They have to have time to get into your system and stay in your system to be effective.

About the dating or communicating with other women, that is a personal choice. However, being in a vulnerable state, it would be easy for you to find yourself in an EA.......or even a PA, as it's been known to happen with others. That would definitely rough the road back home. So, be careful out there.

[dwh15]

I do have a script for anti-depressives from my doctor but don't take them regularly. Some days I feel fine and others is more of a struggle

Well, I'm not a physician, but I don't think you take them on a "as needed" regiment. They have to have time to get into your system and stay in your system to be effective.

About the dating or communicating with other women, that is a personal choice. However, being in a vulnerable state, it would be easy for you to find yourself in an EA.......or even a PA, as it's been known to happen with others. That would definitely rough the road back home. So, be careful out there.

I think you are right on the anti-depressives, as my doctor did mention to keep taking them every day. I just hate depending on medication, when I feel that most days I do fine without.

The dating thing was def a bad idea, at least in my case. I caved in a few moments of weakness, but fortunately didn't let it get too far. Not only would it break my own vows and every moral/ethical boundary I hold dear, but I am in no mental state to be able to commit to anyone but my W right now. And I don't want to leave a trail of broken hearts behind me. I've barely had contact with that woman in 2 days and I think she gets it. If she persists, I'll simply tell her the truth that I jumped in way too soon to the dating world and am not ready yet.

I have a general question about how long do people generally take to start moving towards a R in the M? I realize that every sitch is different, but when do you know that enough time has passed and it's time to move on? My WW left 4 months ago so it's still very early for me. Everyone is pushing me to file for D, but I'm simply not ready. Now my WW may file herself and I'll be ready to defend myself if necessary in regards to child custody, but she doesn't seem in any hurry so far. Right now, I'm thinking I give it until around next April, which will a year of separation. If things haven't started to move in another direction by then, I don't see that they ever will. I mean, you can't wait around forever, right? My other concern is that in this state, once you pass 20 years of M, the courts start to consider permanent spousal support and I just crossed 18 years. It takes min 6 months from filing to finalize. So I definitely don't want to end up in that situation, paying support the rest of my life because I waited a few months too long, especially when the last 2 years of the M was separated. Anyway, just curious if people had a general idea of when to throw in the towel.

[Matt777]

I think you are right on the anti-depressives, as my doctor did mention to keep taking them every day. I just hate depending on medication, when I feel that most days I do fine without.

I'm NOT a doctor or in the medical field.

But my guess is that you feel better because you started taking the medicine a few days before. I think starting and stopping is probably worse than just being on it. There's no shame in getting help.

I have a general question about how long do people generally take to start moving towards a R in the M? I realize that every sitch is different, but when do you know that enough time has passed and it's time to move on? My WW left 4 months ago so it's still very early for me. Everyone is pushing me to file for D, but I'm simply not ready. Now my WW may file herself and I'll be ready to defend myself if necessary in regards to child custody, but she doesn't seem in any hurry so far. Right now, I'm thinking I give it until around next April, which will a year of separation. If things haven't started to move in another direction by then, I don't see that they ever will. I mean, you can't wait around forever, right? My other concern is that in this state, once you pass 20 years of M, the courts start to consider permanent spousal support and I just crossed 18 years. It takes min 6 months from filing to finalize. So I definitely don't want to end up in that situation, paying support the rest of my life because I waited a few months too long, especially when the last 2 years of the M was separated. Anyway, just curious if people had a general idea of when to throw in the towel.

there is no set timeline for these. Sometimes,it's a month, sometimes it's years. Sometimes, it's never. There are no guarantees here except that if you put in the work, you will emerge from the other side of this a better person.

As for throwing in the towel, that's on you to decide. You can always file yourself if you feel it's time. Sometimes, it's the only way to move forward. But also, remember that divorce is just a piece of paper - it just changes your tax status. You still have the same problems to deal with in regards to you and your R with WW.

[dwh15]

Thank you for the reply Matt. Another general question. Is the best technique for a WW who is currently living with OM to go dark? I'm pretty much lights out for past 2 weeks, with bare min texting regarding kids only. It's really hard, and is the longest I have ever went w/o having regular communication with WW. Sometimes I think about sending a friendly text, just so she doesn't think I hate her, but I have held out so far. I'm still waiting on the DB books to arrive so haven't read all of the LRT techniques yet, but have gotten a pretty good idea what they are from reading other people's stories. After going dark, how long do people usually wait before trying to start talking again?

[sandi2]

Thank you for the reply Matt. Another general question. Is the best technique for a WW who is currently living with OM to go dark? I'm pretty much lights out for past 2 weeks, with bare min texting regarding kids only. It's really hard, and is the longest I have ever went w/o having regular communication with WW. Sometimes I think about sending a friendly text, just so she doesn't think I hate her, but I have held out so far

That part in bold is what will get your brain messed up. Plus, so many guys use this type of thinking as an excuse (although they won't admit it) to contact WW. LBH'S use their kids, too. Sure, they say they only contact for "kid related" only, but boy can they think of a lot of unnecessary kid related things!

I think the detaching will go better for you if you go dark while she's living with the OM. As long as she's with him, it won't be in your favor to try and be or have more than a coparenting connection.

When she believes you are pulling away from her, don't be surprised if she tries to do what we call emotional temp checking. That's when she does something to check your reaction and gauge your emotions about her. WW's want to feel they are still in control and have the H in the palm of their hand. Not bad for an ego shot, too. She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want her position replaced, or for that matter......to believe you can be happy without her. Yes, it's crazy. Very crazy.

[AJM]

I can't emphasize what Sandi said ^^^ enough. But to add to that, you need to think about healthy boundaries. One such boundary is, "you are living with or otherwise dating OM. I am unwilling to be in contact you while that is the case."

Now my WW may file herself and I'll be ready to defend myself if necessary in regards to child custody, but she doesn't seem in any hurry so far. Right now, I'm thinking I give it until around next April, which will a year of separation. If things haven't started to move in another direction by then, I don't see that they ever will. I mean, you can't wait around forever, right? My other concern is that in this state, once you pass 20 years of M, the courts start to consider permanent spousal support and I just crossed 18 years. It takes min 6 months from filing to finalize. So I definitely don't want to end up in that situation, paying support the rest of my life because I waited a few months too long, especially when the last 2 years of the M was separated. Anyway, just curious if people had a general idea of when to throw in the towel.

Divorce is never the end of the story, but you do need to consider the legal ramifications. Separate the feelings, and it's really just a business transaction. In many cases, the business transaction follows the feelings. In your case, that may be unwise and may contribute to your depression if left unchecked.

Some posit that depression is anger turned inwards. Can you imagine how many years you'll feel angry if you are paying permanent spousal support to a person that up and left?

I'm not telling you what to do in this case. I'm just trying to lay it out there for you to see and to understand.

You'll do what you do regardless

Breaking contact can be helpful. Radio silence will help you heal. There will be a few things you have to do with the kids together, but they can be minimized. I've been there. It can be done.

Make decisions for you and for the kids, and let your W figure herself out. But whatever you do, don't be that guy that follows like a puppy - it won't help your sanity and that's never an attractive trait. It's also something you can do to help yourself heal no matter what comes next.

AJ

[dwh15]

Thank you so much for the thoughtful replies Sandi and AJM. In regards to texting WW about kid stuff, I was serious. I never initiate, only reply to direct questions, and then only the bare min required. Think I've sent maybe 9 or 10 texts in last 2 weeks. The kids have their own phones so a lot of times she'll just text them directly to ask how they are doing. I am rarely involved.

AJ, I have imagined how upset I would be about perm spousal support, which is why I decided that no way I am waiting until we would cross the 20 years M mark. In fact, I could make a strong case that I should prob proceed with D, just based on that fact alone. We can always work it out after, and just live together or get re-married and then I don't have that giant 20-year alimony threat looming in front of me. At this point, with no D filing, there is no temp support order, which means no money to WW, so I am holding steady for at least the next few months. My attorney even thought it was a smart plan, if I wasn't in a huge hurry to get it over with. She may file, at which point I am thoroughly prepared to defend myself and my parenting time, or at some point in the next few months I will prob go ahead and do it myself.

I am certainly not following her around like a puppy, at least not anymore. I think it was quite a shock to her when I finally cut off the money supply and she hasn't even really attempted to be "friendly" since. For now, I'll plan on staying as dark as possible, keep detaching, working on GAL for myself, and taking care of the kids to best of my ability. It seems so ironic that in order to even have a shot at rebuilding, I basically have to let it go completely. And then I wonder, if I get to that point, will I even want it anymore? Guess I have a lot of work ahead so will cross that bridge when I come to it. Thanks again guys.

[Vanilla]

DWH

What did your L recommend on the D, If I understand it seems to leave WW out of funds but don't exceed the 20 year M line? If he is the L of your choice I would go with that.

WW is living with OM2 and it's likely OM1 was creating a spoiler by telling you about their A. There is no reason to fund WW affair, any cash you give WW will be spent on her A and that seems unfair to me considering your tight position on funds. If you don't have to fund her in my book don't. protect yourself and your children, it's absolutely vital for the longer term.

Any good noises on the career front? I guess that's your full time goal, as well as looking after your children. I can see you have a full time role with two challenged children amoung your four kids.

I can only endorse the views of Sandi on this one and I like AJM way of looking at this too.

Could I ask you to do me a favour and fill in your strap line, if you look at my post it's the bit at the bottom, you can access it by going to My stuff edit, you will get more posters too as they can more easily understand your sitch in a précis.

V

[dwh15]

Thanks for the suggestion V. Strap line should now have my critical info. No luck on career yet, but TBH I only recently started focusing on it. I was lucky in that I received 15 weeks of severance pay so have a little time to find something. And I knew I was not mentally ready to tackle a brand new job up until recently. I wanted to make sure I could throw myself into it and impress.

Regarding OM#1, I have no doubt that he was hoping to spoil the A with OM#2, although he didn't provide many details on that front. He only admitted to his own A and mentioned briefly that she was already with another man. Which WW adamantly denied of course, up until April, when she confessed that she had in fact been seeing OM#2. Had I not been in total shock, I would have kicked her to the curb way back in March and never offered any support at all. It MAY have been enough to wake her up and possibly keep her from progressing with OM#2, to the point where he finally asked her to move in. But 20-20 hindsight. Nothing to do about it now but keep moving forward and hope for the best. What's really frustrating to me through this whole experience is that WW has refused to discuss much of anything about our M, or the problems that got us here. Of course I have some idea but would have liked to hear things from her perspective. She considers it a waste of time and thinks I just want to talk her into changing her mind, so she has never gave me any reasons, and now things have progressed to the point we barely speak so no idea how I'm ever going to get those reasons. I guess I keep doing LRT and hope that she eventually wants to discuss things on her own terms. I'm certainly not bringing it up anymore.

[dwh15]

Quick general question. Since the big blowout on money last week, WW has been avoiding contacting me at all, and going directly to kids to set up plans for picking them up, etc. So far, it's worked out OK, but it just annoys me. Like she's doing this for payback. We don't have any court order but the general setup has been she takes them around 6 or 7pm every M, W, and F. Would it be advisable for me to send a text asking her to send info regarding the kids? Or just let her keep doing what she's been doing, and assume that they are mine until 7pm every night, and if that conflicts with her plans, oh well, since she doesn't bother to inform me.