Need advice for a WW who left

[dwh15]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I wasn't asking for legal advice in terms of whether I should continue to funnel money to WW. It was more of a question on is it going to help or hurt me in terms of working towards a R in the M? I already asked my attorney and confirmed I am under no legal obligation to give her a dime until one of us files for D and a support order is issued. At this point, it doesn't matter since we had a big fight on the phone about money yesterday and I told her I was done. Yes, she's totally pissed off. And I know she was calling around looking for attorneys today. I'm meeting my own again tomorrow to fill him in and discuss strategy. I don't want things to get dirty but I do feel I need to place my own welfare and that of my children ahead of making WW happy right now.

The sad thing is that WW only works 20 hours/week and if she would simply get a full time job, even at min wage, she wouldn't have any trouble paying her own bills. She simply doesn't want to work full time. And somehow feels she is entitled to support from me, in spite of bare min time spent with the kids over past few months. And she doesn't want to ask the boyfriend for money either. Seems to me he should be the one helping her out. You can imagine how thrilled I was to hear that he just went out and financed a brand new motorcycle. So obviously things are not that bad for him.

I'll post again tomorrow after getting input from my attorney. For now main goal is protect my finances. I'm hoping that WW settles down once she realizes she has a hard battle on her hands and becomes more open to reason. I really don't see her and the biker guy lasting more than a few months but no idea what she would do after it falls apart. I know she was counting on me as Plan B up until very recently. She even asked at one point if it would be OK if she moved back home if they ever broke up. Early on, when I was still in my own fog, I foolishly agreed, but I think she's clear now that is not an option. She has never expressed true remorse about what she did and continues to do.

[sandi2]

Based on what I read from H's threads, it is a difficult transition from their role as provider and protector of their W into a more isolated or independent position. What I'm saying is that while she has chosen to leave her family and her marriage, she freely removed herself from the umbrella of your protection and provision. She fired you as her H.

The best thing you can do for your stitch is to cut off any and all finances that are not court ordered for your WW. This is not encouragement to show vindictiveness, but to protect you and the children, and to hopefully cause her to see what she's done to herself. It is not your job to worry how she'll make it without your support. Unfortunatly, the WW who bombed her family, often has to deal with harsh reality before their fantasy world begins to crumble. When you were giving her $900 a month, that enabled her to continue staying in with the biker.

What you always considered as your responsibility toward your W will need to take a back seat so that you can rationalize from a different perspective. The heart of a wayward is extremely selfish. Yes, she feels entitled! It will get worse, so be prepared.

I have a thread about wayward wives, I encourage you to read it. Your W sounds as if she fits the bill.

[dwh15]

Sandi, I'm thrilled to see a response from you. I actually spent a couple of hours yesterday going through the very thread you mentioned. So many light bulbs came on as I was reading it. Yes, no doubt in my mind my wife is a wayward. I'm hoping that maybe somehow she can snap out of it, but considering that this is not her first, but second affair (that I know about), I'm not feeling extremely confident. But I do still love her and decided that I owe me and the kids one last chance to try and make it work.

There's a very good chance that we will go through with a D at this point, but after filing it will be 6 months until final, so there's time. And I would even be open to R after D, and in fact find that somewhat preferable at this point as I would already have the legal and financial issues dealt with in case we never do get back together, or we try and then it doesn't work out. I am prepared for it to be a very long tough road ahead. My best guess is that she gradually checked out of our M over about a 2 or 3 year time period so I figured it's going to be around the same amount of time and a lot of hard work to get back to a good place. I'm in no rush right now so will take it day by day and see what happens.

[dwh15]

So I met with my attorney this morning and gave him the full story of what has been going on. Based on my description of the past few months, he said I have a very strong case for nearly 100% custody of all the children and will not be responsible for much spousal support either. As opposed to the $900/month I have been providing, he speculated closer to $300 or $400/month max. He also confirmed again I have no legal obligation to give her a dime until someone files for D and a temp court order is issued. So for now, I'm playing the waiting game. I'm in no rush to file because that starts the ball rolling and then it's only a few weeks until a support order is in place. I'll let her raise the money to hire her own attorney and then come up with the $230 to actually file. It won't change anything and I'm ready to fight if/when necessary.

On an unrelated note, my W unexpectedly drops by today, walks right in with no invitation and starts rummaging through the house looking for some old medical paperwork. It really upset me that she didn't ask for permission or even give me a heads up she planned on coming over. She still tries to treat this as her home. I played it cool while she was here, told her I had no idea where that paperwork could be, and worked on dishes while she searched around. She left 10 minutes and I immediately called my attorney back and asked if I could keep her out. Not sure if it's legal since we're still technically a married couple with no other agreements in place. Even if he says I can't keep her out, I'm tempted to just fire off a text and say next time, please give me some notice before you come over. We've talked about it before and she had previously agreed but seems to be falling back into old habits, or simply doesn't care right now. I'm sure she's still extremely upset about me cutting off the money supply. Funny enough, when here today, she was all smiles and acting like everything was fine. Quite a change from 2 days ago when she was practically yelling at me about how unfair I was acting.

[dwh15]

Also, I realize nobody can make guarantees, but in general, what is the course of these affairs? Does a WW ever actually stick around and form a long term R with the OM? Or do they tend to fall apart after a few months? In my case, WW has only known OM a total of around 7 months and only been romantic around 4, but she's already living with him, shared bank account, and in general acting like an old married couple who's known each other for years. It has all the classic signs of a rebound, so I'm thinking it's definitely got a limited shelf life, but curious what other experiences around here were like. The 1st A partner lasted around 18 months before WW kicked him to the curb. Somehow she finally woke up to the fact that he was a bum and never going to hold a regular job - she got sick of supporting him. Current guy is working full time at least, but I know they've already had a couple of major blowouts and she was on the verge of leaving him not too long ago. Doesn't seem to bode well for the future.

Now I realize even if it falls apart with current guy, that doesn't mean anything, as there's a good chance she just finds a new guy and starts the process all over again. But I am curious if anyone has a general idea how these things tend to go. I'm assuming that if she ever breaks it off with current OM and is actually single, that would be the time to try and start rebuilding some sort of R between us. I think if I find out she's in the sack with yet another guy, I'm done for good. I don't plan on waiting around forever while she destroys her life.

[Matt777]

My DB coach Leni said MOST affairs tend to last 6-9 months. But of course, there are factors that could make them shorter or longer. For example, if they are long distance, they could go longer without that pressure of "normalcy". Also, the more you and the world fight against them, the more "is against the world" feeling they can have.

[dwh15]

Quick update. Not much new today. WW took my oldest and youngest bowling yesterday, then had them over for dinner. They were back around 11pm, as usual. No contact with the 2 special needs boys, again as usual. I don't expect to hear anything from her today at all, since it's a Thursday. I slept well but woke up sort of depressed, like I've been doing past few days. But once I got up and got busy I felt OK. It's almost like getting over an addiction, trying to ween yourself off the expected daily contact from a WS. Getting easier with time so hoping I can completely detach over next couple weeks.

[dwh15]

Haven't heard much at all lately from WW. Two of my 4 kids went over for dinner at her place last night, both back a few hours later. She tried calling me late last night but I didn't answer. I've told her text only unless an emergency, and I never got a text. Found out when the kids got home that she wanted to ask if she should come over and apply flea medicine to the dog, so yeah, nothing too important. I pretty much have gone dark on her, other than basic texting about the kids. It's a big change from just a couple of weeks ago, where I was texting every day, taking calls couple times a week and even hanging out as a family every couple of weeks. It was the perfect situation for her. No idea what kind of impact it's having by me pulling away but it IS helping me to detach so that's a good thing. Anyone have additional advice? I'm reading here every day and continue to be inspired by success stories, but still struggle with the reality.

[sandi2]

It sounds as if you are doing a lot better at stabilizing and detaching. At this point in time, your main work is to continue cramming information that's available here on the board.

How is your self-esteem holding up? It really takes a beating in this type of crisis. Getting out and being around your guy friends and doing some fun actitivities will help some. Getting a life has powerful healing benefits.

If the depression doesn't let up, you may want to consider seeing your doctor. Many LBH'S need temporary meds to get through this period.

Just keep posting and reading. Weekends are a little slow on the board, so don't let it discourage you.

[dwh15]

Thanks Sandi. Self esteem is OK, not great. I went on a date Thursday night with a woman from an online site. I know it goes against all conventional advice, but I signed up a few weeks ago, back in the midst of my worst depression and loneliness. Just wanted to feel wanted, if that makes sense. So I started messaging this woman online, leading to texting, phone calls, and first meet Thursday. It was nice, and I enjoy her company, but nothing happened physically and it reinforced in my mind how NOT ready I am for that. Since then, I've really slowed down communication and don't plan on meeting her again. But it was nice to feel desirable again, at least for a few days. I'm taking down any online dating profiles and don't plan on even attempting to date again until after D, should it come to that.

I do have a script for anti-depressives from my doctor but don't take them regularly. Some days I feel fine and others is more of a struggle. I'm doing my best at GAL, which includes very actively involved in my local church, including volunteer activities. I have reconnected with my immediate and extended family in ways I never thought possible, and now speak to my siblings and mother several times every week. It's gotten to the point they all ask me what is going on in the others lives. I've even gotten together with some cousins who I had not seen in years. I also attend a couple of local meetup events, which include outdoor activities like hiking and tennis.

My next project is tackling the house and getting it spotless. It's a challenge to keep the place clean with me and 4 boys here, and tbh, I have fallen way behind. So over next couple of weeks going to try and clean the place from top to bottom, remove clutter, power wash the floors, etc. That would be quite a shock to WW next time she walks in.