Everything looks good...though I'd have left off the parts in striking out:
BF: HI (waving like crazy) how are you? ME: Fine (truck pulls up) BF thats OW sons ME: Is he going with you? BF: yes he has been whining so OW brought him to go ME: Good that will be fun BF: well we are taking off (reaches down to give me hug) have a good night ME: we will (d8 and I) We will just be home BF K see you later Me Yep have a great time see you when you get home
4mykid...welcome to the boards. I am proud you are doing what you can to put yourself in a better situation.
I haven't read every post, just the first few and the last few. Not judging here, but that's a pretty screwed up relationship. Your man has some serious character issues. And you have accepted this as the best you can do both in terms of how you conduct yourself, and what you accept.
Here's the thing- for things to get better, you have to make them better for yourself first. Then you'll have to see if he can meet that standard. The hardest part about this situation is that if you do what you need to do to put yourself in a better place, it might mean he can't come along. That sounds horrifying, but the alternative is spending the rest of your life in this hell.
For example...on a letter grade scale you may have been a D wife. He sounds like an F husband. OK. That stinks. You crave a relationship with him that is an A relationship, or at least ranging between C some of the times and A once in a while. Here's the thing...for that to happen you have to make yourself an A woman, or at least a B with some A moments. BUT- and here's the big but- then HE will have to also step up and make some big changes.
Not marrying you. Cheating. Serial relationships and serial affairs. This won't add up to what you want.
You will have to become the woman capable of a mature relationship, and then...he will have to shape up or ship out. And while if you become a wonderful woman that loves him but one that also lays out boundaries and is prepared to walk if he doesn't make a true commitment that will be very tempting for him- if he doesn't have the discipline or character you will have to leave.
I know you feel you are in love with him, but there is a LOT of co-dependency and neediness in there. Clearly you are dependent on him or you wouldn't put up with this. You don't have to break this today, you just have to understand this so you can make a life plan with your head, not with your terror.
So right now you have a choice. Continue to focus on him, and try to 'win him back' so you don't have to face your insecurity of being alone...OR become the woman you always wanted to be, save yourself first, and then see if he's following you or not, all the while prepared to move on to a better chapter of your life if he's unable or unwilling, a chapter that will give you many many many years of mature relationships in the future.
I know this is hard, but you're still very young, and I wouldn't wish 40+ years in this situation on my worst enemy.
I'm proud of you taking bold action to improve yourself. Now my advice is to COMMIT to the second choice I just listed, make those changes for you, and don't worry so much about whether or not he likes it. I promise he will be as TERRIFIED as you if you start pulling your $hit together (like an alcoholic who's alcoholic buddy decides to quit drinking!), but you MUST take this step. He will follow if he can, but you must be strong no matter what.
Make any sense?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
wow Zeus! Thanks so much! I sure hope you keep following me and responding because I love the way you think! You are so right I have accepted that this is my life. I am not sure if you read my family dynamics post but Yep it is what I learned. I always said I would have a better life than this. I am very scared of living a life without him. I am not sure why though. I have lived without him before. I am scared if I stop trying He will just walk away and have a loving relationship with OW. Sometimes I do not think he would care if I walked away. At least that is the impression he gives me. It is absolutely not what I want. I promised myself when we got back together if this happened again I would walk away for good. But then I felt guilty because my depression and anger is what likely caused it. His excuse was I kept accusing him so he may as well have. He said it was planned so this time he did not even feel bad. Lovely huh? I am not sure I believe that. I continued to pursue beg all the bad things for almost a year until I got this book recommended at IC and then found the board. You are right I need to worry about me and the kids (I consider his kids mine also so I need to be there for them and refuse to leave them out but I can leave him out) I will say back in June I made some changes being kind, supportive, spending time with him cuddling, just having fun we spent the most time we have together in that month than probably in a year and then all of a sudden huge fight and now no contact and barely any talking. It was a total 180. As you probably read until I came on the board we still had SL. Now nothing which I am ok with. There has been no cuddling. NO kissing, no ILY in almost a year. We do share the same bed money and responsibility. It is actually for the most part even. I watch kids way more while he is out but my other option is to let OW around his kids and I am not willing to do that until he FORCES me out. He only says he wants me leave when he is mad! So here are my true and honest fears: 1. not making it financially I only make 19000 a year not much to live off of! I do not get child support or anything 2. Losing his family as they are my only support I do not talk to my family 3. splitting the kids up 4. him not stepping up and changing 5. Him leaving completely 6. I have always loved him since i was 15 7. scared on being alone 8. I have no where to go I would not live with my parents again if it was the last place! If you read my family dynamics post you will understand!
Yep I sound co-dependent. maybe I should find some good information on that. I want to commit to option 2. i do not want to teach these kids anymore bad habits. Did you see my goals? good? bad? on track? Ha I have survived 13 years lol why ot 40 more? just kidding I am ready for big changes. I can not live like this anymore. will he be terrified? will I start to see changes in him? how do I set boundaries I have read the boundaries thread but my fear wins over and I become a door mat to keep the peace. I am so tired of fighting and having all out screaming matches I would like to keep the peace! I do not want to disrupt the kids lives. Do you think I should continue standing my ground on not allowing kids to be around OW? It means I have to watch them to protect them but to me they are to young to understand and i would rather them believe things are ok for as long as I can. I do understand where you are coming from I just need as much direction as I can get. I obviously do not know what a healthy relationship looks like and I also have no idea where to go from here! so any help you can give me is so appreciated. Im good with step by step because this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do! Also the marriage thing is kind of what his mom taught him. He is adopted by his brothers dad who was in and out of his life never around always in trouble. when the boys were little she met her current husband they were together 17 years before she would agree to marry him she said she would never get married again. they still do not share joint anything so at least I got past that we do not share joint accounts but bills are in both names and his mom owns the house so if he decides im out I will not have a toe to stand on! Thanks again zeus Please reply
Matt777. You keep me right on track! I am working on your sitch but am only on thread 3! you motivate me to post post post! thanks for the feed back on being sad. you are right I can be sad just can not show him! I need to act as if! I kind of only said see you when you get home to sound "sweet" in front of OW kid! Hopefully it gets back to OW. Not healthy but I felt like it was kind of like letting him eat the food dog licked! inside it made me happy! I will stop though I need to just be me! I will post daily to let you know how my goals are and reactions I am getting. I think my anger and resentment could prevent me from seeing good or bad!
Well he has been gone 4 hours and I have not sent a single text. Did take d8 out for dinner tonight. Its 9:00 so I need to get ready for bed so I can be in bed by 9:30 (goal)! Tomorrow is a new day! No texting no starting conversation coming home from work taking a nap and getting things ready for girls and I to go to races. Straight home after that. No text unless he asks a question or needs a response. I will not be in bed tomorrow by 9:30 so that is why the nap. I want to be in a great mood for the kids. sunday is he graduation party at his moms. I DID NOT get him a gift but am attending the party. AS stated earlier because i want to keep normal for kids and family does not know. I will not be extra affectionate or anything. just supportive. It will keep me busy. Maybe park sunday evening!
I am going to keep posting keep setting goals and keep reading your threads until I am through! I am choosing to work on me! Zeus is right is this how I want to live for 49 years? No way in he**! So I do feel my goals I just Set with your help focus more on me! I do want to keep looking for posiyives in me and him and seeing if I can change the dynamics of this and save this relationship and make it healthy! I am not sure how to become an A wife so hopefully Zeus will give me guidance on this! I am going to need a lot of support as I have never had a healthy relationship with anyone! Challenge accepted!
