Matt, I am getting to a better place, not quite "good" yet, but better. I *think* he is coming around so that is probably why I am feeling better. I hope it isn't false hope. Either way, I am having a few good days so I will take it! Living in the moment.
Thanks Teach, I am cautious, mostly from reading all the stories on here. But, on the other hand, my situation was never quite as extreme as most of the others, so that is giving me hope. For example, H has never moved out. Although he travels a lot for work, so maybe that gave him the space he was seeking. And he has been attending MC with me since BD although I don't know if that is actually working or making things worse. I read the DR book and skimmed DB, going back and reading it more carefully. I am hopeful. And exhausted. H called me today and that was good- much better than no contact or a 3 word text. And I was friendly and ended the conversation first. Yesterday too.
I signed up for voice lessons- I can not sing at ALL and I always wished I could carry a tune just good enough to sing along to the radio and not scare the children. And I learned how to do "beach hair" and I've been rocking the beach hair style and getting lots of compliments on that. Enjoying the self improvement. I think I am going to start some weight lifting next- would love to have muscles. My next husband will be a lucky man. Hopefully he will be the same as my current husband, but that's not in my control.
I thought you all might appreciate this. I was on amazon and I realized that since H and I share our account, he can see my browsing history. Which is all DB and DR and other self help books. Tons of them. So I cleared my history and did a bunch of searches on my hobbies and interests- workout dvds, hair care products, photography books and lenses. Not sure if H even will notice, but I don't need to leave a reminder for him of how hard I am working at self improvement and therefore appear desperate, would rather he notice me pursuing my interests. And in the meantime I bought some hair styling products so that is fun. Sometimes this feels like playing games, but I will think of it as managing my image.
I just realized that I can now laugh and make jokes about my marital problems.
Yes. I hit this point about a month ago. When W moved out and took the entire kitchen, it was hilarious trying to cook anything. Her parents were actually over with my parents for Fathers Day (without W) and it was just sad some of the things we had to do to prepare dinner. I'm not sure if you're familiar, but it's like living on the set of "Cutthroat Kitchen". Sometimes, all you can do is laugh about this stuff.
Thanks Matt, laughing is better than crying. H came home at midnight and I was asleep. I woke up and ..... ummm....... pursued him. It worked out for both of us but then I couldn't fall back asleep and had anxiety all night long. I do better when he is traveling or we are both busy, when I am with him I just want him. That is the confusing part to me, he won't say he wants me or wants to be married, but he is still here and still going to counseling and so do I trust his actions or his words? He doesn't actually say much of anything.
OK, I have to stop myself and be reassured that he is taking small steps towards checking back in. I do see improvements probably every 2 weeks or so since the big turning point 2 months ago. I have to be patient and keep my emotions in check. Time is on my side, right?
