I wish I could argue with you Sandi, but no, I can't.
I have operated out of fear; some days I've felt strong, but not always.
I am so right there with you. I am so afraid of doing the wrong thing. I am also afraid of divorce for my kids. If we did 't have kids, things would be so much easier & simpler.
I am glad you're on your way to getting this stuff figured out. I'll be following along so maybe I can learn a thing or two!
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
I wish I could argue with you Sandi, but no, I can't.
I have operated out of fear; some days I've felt strong, but not always.
I am so right there with you. I am so afraid of doing the wrong thing. I am also afraid of divorce for my kids. If we did 't have kids, things would be so much easier & simpler.
I am glad you're on your way to getting this stuff figured out. I'll be following along so maybe I can learn a thing or two!
Hi HopeOK,
My kids are who I worry about too. Whatever life throws at me, I'll run with, but I do worry about them. How they handle this sitch will depend a lot on how she and I handle it.
I'm ready to move out. I was lying in bed this morning, thinking about how much disconnect I feel towards her. I'm the one that's starting to feel trapped.
My big problem is figuring out the finances. We're buried under medical bills right now. I know that sounds like an excuse, and it's not intended to be, but I can't be stupid about this. I'm looking for a roommate situation, so that will be a little cheaper than starting up in my own apartment right now.
I hope I can help, but my road has been a long and frustrating one...I have operated out of fear far too long instead of moving towards the life I want.
Just ask Starsky, Sandi, and Wonka
Last edited by NH115; 07/17/1501:11 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
"You know, all I want to do is kick my kids out of the nest successfully, make a lot of money, be in love with a good woman who loves me back, fly my a** off, have good friends, and travel. Good beer, good golf and good cigars would be nice too."
Most of that life can happen regardless of what your W may be up to. And the good woman may end up being your W - or some other extremely lucky woman...
I say go for it!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
"You know, all I want to do is kick my kids out of the nest successfully, make a lot of money, be in love with a good woman who loves me back, fly my a** off, have good friends, and travel. Good beer, good golf and good cigars would be nice too."
Most of that life can happen regardless of what your W may be up to. And the good woman may end up being your W - or some other extremely lucky woman...
I say go for it!
Thanks Toots!
You know, the last 10 months have triggered some soul-searching (boy, if that's not an understatement ). Someone advised me a long time ago to try writing a mission statement, but everything I wrote came out sounding so stilted and pompous.
I think I found my mission statement. Now to execute....
Last edited by NH115; 07/17/1502:50 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
I found a letter my wife wrote to OM today. She accidentally left it up on the computer, apparently from last night. The therapist had suggested she write a letter to me (that I would never read), getting out all the anger and bitterness onto paper, no holds barred. She also wrote one to OM, again without the intent to actually send it.
It wasn't exactly a love letter, but it wasn't exactly the letter of someone who is over their AP.
I'd rather not publish the whole thing here, but a couple of lines stood out....
"Why did you want to see me when you came back into town?"
"I can tell when a guy is just not that into me. If you were interested in ME, I would hear from you, you would want to know things about me" (mind you, in December she TOLD him to go back home and work on his marriage)
"Although I am a happy person, I am not happy in my marriage. My husband is a good man, and I love him, but I am not in love with him. A lot has happened throughout our marriage which has done immense damage to our connection. We're working on it, but I think too much has happened and too much time has gone by".
I wasn't particularly hurt by any of the things she said, because of my level of detachment, and the fact that she's said most of them to my face. She seems convinced that we can't make it, but every time I say that maybe it's time to move on, she gets mad and says I'm giving up.
Not sure why I posted that, other to vent, but feedback is always welcome.
I'm working on a concise way to explain my position on moving out in therapy next week. When I said I wanted to move out last week, the MC didn't ask me much about it, strangely enough. My basic position is this:
"I need space to figure out where my life is going and whether being married to W fits anymore."
This isn't about seeing if she misses me, or not being willing to be in an open relationship while she is still preoccupied with OM, this is about being able to point life in the direction I want it to go.
Am I close? Is there anything I should add?
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
NH, I have no knowledge of piecing or how that works.
I am sure you and your children deserve the best. I recollect your obsession with the scuzzy called OM. W is still entranced with this and you are not, this scuzzy is merely dalliance. Can W move out leaving you with your children? At present NH I think you are the more balanced parent. The dad who is standing.
All I can wish you is well and all my support and prayers. I have no wise words for you and I would that I have.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/18/1509:37 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Some posters have in the past suggested that she move out. While she's still preoccupied with OM, she's not in an active A. Her parenting is not an issue to me. My Ds would be just fine with her. I'm the one who's wanting to move on at this point. I can't tell where she is, really.
I think insisting on her leaving the children with me in this case is overkill.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
OK, thanks for explaining, I understand your position, as you know one of the first concerns of someone who has fostered as I did is the children. And dads can make equally great single parents as mums.
You have stood for your M for so long NH, as much as it seems you can.
My prayers are with you, as I know you will seek the answer with an open heart, that is whom I read, a caring loving H who is making hard choices.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/19/1510:14 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am going to post a quote from Starsky in Peter's thread over in Infidelity forum here as it applies to your sitch perfectly:
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Wonka is right, Peter. The problem with "grand pronouncements" about "moving on" is that the very pronouncement itself indicates that you're NOT moving on. It comes across like you're trying to get some sort of reaction out of her, and trying to get her to stay.
I think it would be much better, considering just HOW far along you are in your sitch -- and considering you totally lived up to your end of the bargain in waiting for after your stepdaughter's wedding -- to merely just let her know you've got a place, and you're moving out on the 30th (or whatever). At MOST just say "I have decided that this isn't working for me anymore, and I need to get on with my life."
Let her pursue YOU for a change.
Starsky
I've bolded the section for you to pay attention to....and i think you can use it on your W when you decide to actually move out.
). Someone advised me a long time ago to try writing a mission statement, but everything I wrote came out sounding so stilted and pompous.
Now to execute....