Thanks Cadet, and RD thanks for dropping by and your encouraging message. Pink, lovely to hear from you. I caught your post just as I was heading into yoga class and I was very moved. Yes, I think you are very perceptive about what is happening with H - it's a big ole mess that's for sure. On the plus side, I think my life is pretty balanced and harmonious just now...nice to see some other sitches turning on the forum too...will mine ever be one? IDK - As you say, no place for questioning with H just now.
I've decided that my goal for July and August is to focus on releasing some stuff. In my yoga meditation, I lay calmly and started to think about the things I want to start releasing. Thinking about some of the things H has done, which hurt so much. There's quite a list!! Another day, I want to write them all down and then burn the paper - see how that feels. I'm trying to practice accepting the difficult things that have happened, feeling compassion for H and releasing some of the trauma and bad feeling.
At some point I want to have a look at the suitcase under the spare bed. Into this, I stuffed anything I was unsure about keeping - presents from H, wedding album, photos - ouch, no. I'll just stick to the above para for now - no rush to deal with all of that stuff. I'll be ready at some point - just now quite yet.
Take care, my lovely DB friends xx (ps: Pink, if you come to Ireland, can I come over and say Hi??)
Last edited by Toots; 07/15/1508:44 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots. Just a quick post. I sent Pink a message this am but I see it didn't post in it I said if she made it over I would have to make sure yourself , Vanillia and Jim were here too !!!! At least for the first week Pinks here !!!!!
Letting go of the hurt is what it is all about , once that's possible all else' becomes clear. That's the post from guru Rd for tonight Go in peace Young Toots and seek that release !!!!
Hi RD and Vanilla....I'm all in for a visit when the time comes & thanks for the invite!!
Busy day at work today - all going well. Have been feeling more at peace within myself through consciously releasing some more emotion. I think it's good for me to do it little by little, not just wait for a big crying or anger session once in a while.
Had a chat with a colleague about my sitch today. We had some time alone and she asked how things are going. After I updated her, she said she was glad for where things were at, because she'd worried I might give him another chance. I told her I hadn't completely closed the door and she looked horrified. She said - he would just do it again. I told her if he had done it before, or did do it again I would close the door for sure.
It left me feeling out of sorts. I can understand the perspective and I'd probably feel and say the same in her shoes. And a reconciliation isn't looking likely anyway. But it's hard to know that there would be people on my side unhappy with my decision if we did decide to try again.
Actually, this colleague did have a huge crush on someone at work years ago, and would I'm sure have had an A had he been interested. Lucky for her he wasn't, but she was besotted with him for a while and as far as I know her H never knew. There's a double standard at play when it comes to infidelity for sure. People are quick to censure but forget that they may have found themselves in a similar place - there but for the grace.....as the saying goes...
But I guess why worry about any of that - it's a bridge I don't need to cross just now and may never. It got me thinking that our current track of him filing for D may well be the easiest for me as I have no decision to make about the M. I think if I did have that decision to make, it would be more difficult for me.
Hope everyone is doing well today xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yeah ... its one of those things where 'you are not in my shoes' but as you said, when/if it is an issue then you just address it then. In my case only 1 person knows everything, well .. 1 person I know in real life that is.... lol you all ovbiously know or had the means to find out if you had a free week or two to sift through all my threads. I did not shield W on purpose, but some things I felt we not 'my' secrets to share ... while others people who were close would find out enough to know we separated and I left it at that ... only 3 people know there was a OM ... the rest of my outer circle just know we parted. I am glad for this ... but also I am not one to spill all with people who have know way of understanding nor did I want sides to be taken.
I was at the pool with S over the weekend, there were a group of adults 2 guys, 3 girls and they were loudly in a debate over "Harry and Sally" and the pending D ... was interesting how not one person was on the fence, either they took Harry's side, or Sally's and used the sitch to defend their view. I smiled and thought ... Sally should DB, Harry is a WAS ... but I just listened to the exchange thinking ... wow, all their 'stuff' is out there for the world to hear ... even me and I have never met either of them but felt I understood far more than this 'close circle' of friends they are too about to split up as it was obvious who was getting custody with who.
Yes, I agree about the 'in my shoes' comment. It's a good lesson to learn. Today I wrote some things on a big piece of paper. They are things that are painful and for which I hold on to some anger and pain. I'm going to burn the paper and hope that may start to release some of them. But here they are.
He decided to start dating women without ever saying he was unhappy with our M He betrayed me and our marriage vows physically and emotionally He lied to me for may months - sometimes being cross about my questions He minimised my concerns, saying 'we've come a long time since then (the EA)'
He never told me face to face about the A, or that he wanted us to S I learned about the A and his visit to OW by text and email He bought condoms and hid them in our flat He let me sleep there - feeling safe - in the bed where he and OW had sex
He failed to tell his parents about the A - 'assumed they knew' and they were cold with me He only offered me rent money for 6 months, saying I had to be self-sufficient after that I learned our R/M was over from 1) the intranet 2) a mutual friend He returned a photo of us - given to him as a present - with my stuff from the flat He took down all photos of me from our house
He offered me a minimal settlement, suggesting we didn't involve lawyers He just walked away from our M, unwilling to work on things He covertly booked his trip to OW and spent 4/5 days with me before he went He'll file for D on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour rather than waiting a year
He used to ring me for a chat when he was about to have sex with OW Once he rang me when she was in the room with him His poor choices led to me losing my home, job, role as a step parent, pets....yet he's never seemed truly remorseful about that.
That he sees himself as a 'genuine guy who messed up - but now truly knows what he wants (a new family.)
I'm not sure this process is helping with forgiveness - I feel pretty angry - but I'm going to burn the paper and try and do it with some compassion and release....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Toots - you have to feel anger to get through it - it a real emotion. You are right an reasonable to be angry. When you are ready it will leave you. We are told to 'fight' emotions. Sometimes embracing them, experiencing them fully is the way out.
You will get posts telling you not to stay angry etc etc. Why would you? Get it out there, and deal with it.
Sometimes a hug just helps (learnt that in the last year or so)
Personally I think getting angry is a really good idea. In part because you were worried about suppressing it and in part because I don't think we can properly forgive until we understand how much we've been hurt.
And let's be honest, just based on the list your H had done a pretty good job of hurting you. Hell, I could get angry at him just for being such a 'best in show' numpty if it weren't for the fact I feel really sorry for him.
So get angry for a while and then let it go so you can carrying on being marvellous without the extra baggage.
Hope otherwise you're OK though.
Last edited by jim0987; 07/17/1512:48 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
The crazy thing I've learned about anger, for me... I will go through these waves of intense anger and then experience these moments of profound forgiveness.
I've been at this for 3.5 years now. And, I'm beginning to see the patterns of grief. The anger has been the hardest for me because I have a hard time allowing myself to get really angry. When I do, though, it's like years and years of anger pour out--not just with my marriage.
However, if I see it through, I'm always given this peace and calm afterwards where I feel this incredible detachment about the people who have hurt me.
Like clockwork. See the anger through to completion. It's a vital part of the process. I think, in my opinion, it's a way for us to reclaim our value.
We go from feeling like worthless human beings who were left to die by the person we loved the most in the world.
When we feel the anger, we are able to say, "HEY! I didn't deserve that!"
It's like that moment of reality where you see you are a person of value and you deserve to be treated well no matter what your imperfections.
If you don't feel it, in my case, I always turn it inwards.
Be free :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
