He had a better attitude tonight at least. He was pleasant willing to start conversation. Tomorrow assignment for myself is to post his complaints and get help turning them into 180's and goals! So I shall list his complaints. Because I have not been a very good listener this shall take some thinking. I am also open to books anyone can suggest to read. I enjoy reading it gives me me time and for some reason even if I know it is right I like reassurance! Thanks for both of your support and help!
He had a better attitude tonight at least. He was pleasant willing to start conversation. Tomorrow assignment for myself is to post his complaints and get help turning them into 180's and goals! So I shall list his complaints. Because I have not been a very good listener this shall take some thinking. I am also open to books anyone can suggest to read. I enjoy reading it gives me me time and for some reason even if I know it is right I like reassurance! Thanks for both of your support and help!
3. not spending time doing what he wants (ex. I used to come to garage all the time and just sit and visit while he worked now I never do!)
4. I take on everything (bills, kids, house, work, kids activities grocery shopping talking to moms, general shopping pretty much everything.) and then can not get it all done and miss due dates ect and get overhelmed stressed and anxious and then take it out on him
5. I refuse to ask him for help if I need it or become overwhelmed
6. I am not supportive of him
7. control (he thinks I have to have my finger on everything and I agree)
8. I never want to go out with him or alone. (I feel I/we should be with kids every chance we get but I am starting to realize you need a break sometimes) I hate having people watch them even family
9. decreased SL (possible side effect of anti depressant)
10. Always negative
11. Always tired (depression/medication)
12. money issues (it is so tight and I do not let him see money because i take care of it so he thinks i just spend when i dont)
13. I say I am going to change but I dont ever show it
14. I do not like to try anything new (SL, food, activities, restraunts) I am set in my ways
15. I leave my clothes on the bathroom floor
16. I complain about work a lot (im a CNA its hard work stressful)
17. He says I will not do things for myself (hang curtain rods check tires on car scoop snow mow all true Im not confident enough)
18. I always accuse him of cheating (he does have a track record he has cheated on everyone and i have helped him cheat so I need to rebuild trust)
19. im unforgiving and hold things against him any chance i get (also true)
20.I dont like him to go out (true but only because I have to worry about what he is doing)
21. I can be emotionally abusive and degrading
22. I do not stand up for myself and do not know how to say no or enough is enough (true again but i am the same with him just not other people obviously)
23. He just doesnt love me anymore and probably never will
24. the pattern never changes we have tried this a ton of times and it never works (now reading here it is because the pattern doesnt ever change we cheat together on whomever he is with and just jump right back where we were and never actually solve the problems) so now I know it can change I just hope it is not to late
25. I dont like his friends (ummm well the girl he is really good friends with helped him facilitate this A with her Best friend)
My complaints 1. not enough time together
2. not enough affection (I love holding hands cuddling kissing hugging ect)
3. fighting style for both of us
4. he always puts a wall up and refuses to talk about problems
5. going out all the time
6. I/we keep score
7. compromise is not happening her
8. lack of willingness to work on our family
9. My personal trust issue of him
10. my forgiveness is hard-im not sure how
11. He hates shopping I love shopping (he wont even go to the grocery store)
I think that is it! I will work on making them into a few smaller goals but if you have any suggestions I am more than open. Even if I can group them together somehow! Working on this detatching thing too but it is so hard living together in the same room ect. Also hard because I am obviously not good at healthy relationships or setting boundaries. I am a mess. I totally see how I am at fault in this. I need to become an emotionally healthy person before I can have a healthy relationship. I need to learn to communicate when I am angry not let it boil over I need to control my anger and let go of my control issues. Ha I bet when you read all this Matt777 you think I am the craziest person you have had to read about. Life has been screwed up from an early age. I was never taught about healthy emotions sharing responsibility not being in control setting boundaries. I was a door mat my entire life with way more responsibility than I should have had. Maybe I am not capable of having a healthy emotional life or relationship. Maybe he is right it wont work because I am "crazy"! Looking at all of his complaints I understand them and why they were complaints but that is a lot of fixing a lot of learning i truly hope it is not to late because I do love him. I also want to become a healthier person so I can teach the kids to be healthier also. I do not want them learning my bad habits. I have an 8 year old who is already learning so I need to change and show them how to be strong and healthy! I surely hope it is not to late to save this family! he has a lot of valid complaints and sadly i cant disagree with any of them!
Ok. There is no way I'm replying to all that on my phone. I'll take my laptop home tonight and try to give some feedback.
In the meantime, see if you can group them some to get to the ROOT of the issue. For example, he doesn't care about the clothes on the floor. whar night he think is the reason? See if you can get down to 5-7 KEY issues - the things you listed above may all stem from those.
Alright, here's my take. In looking at your list, there are three main things I saw:
1) Things focused on you feel: mood swings, being negative, being tired, complaining, angry/fighting Have you watched the TED talks by Shawn Achor and Amy Cuddy on happiness? They are so great. i recommend to do this.
I think your focus in resolving some of these things is to really work on your PMA. How can you keep a positive attitude all the time so that you dont complain? How can you get your energy level up - do you go to the gym? go for a run? take a walk or a bike ride with your kid(s)?
2) How you treat yourself - take on everything, refuse to ask for help, don’t stand up for yourself, don’t stick to changes, don’t treat yourself to things. In this area, you really need to work on getting your own life. Een if money is tight, there are some inexpensive things that you can do that will make you feel good and feel accomplished. Are there household projects you want to do? Can you can a new book from the library? Can you take the kids to the park? Do you have friends to go out with? Are there meetups in your area to meet new friends? Id get some schedule prepared so that you can have 1 or 2 nights a week to go out by yourself.
3) How you treat others – not supportive, not able to forgive, not trusting, emotionally abusive, degrading, controlling, needy, keep score. This one you are going to have to dig deep within yourself. How do you want to treat other people? Im hoping that once you see changes from 1 and 2 above, that you can work on some of these points. You dont want to be especially loving and doting on your boyfriend right now. but you can start to do these kinds of things for your kids and your friends and your coworkers. that will help you instill those skills into yourself for when it comes time to do that with your boyfriend.
OK, theres some ideas. Now, what do you want to set as GOALS?
Is there a thread on WAH or WAS? I can not find one and just might not be looking in the right place! or is a ww the same?
Goals: 1. GAL I will do two things with the kids this week excluding racing because we do that every week swimming, library, park I will let them choose!
2. Moods Everytime I get upset/angry/frustrated I will Ask myself will this help me reach my goal or make it worse. I can also remember that at least I am still living here buying time I can go for a walk nightly to just clear my mind I will watch the videos you recomended I will journal daily on moods and progress as a way to vent
3. I will re-read the GAL thread, boundaries, Goals by saturday the 185th
4. I will ask him to cook dinner twice this week
5. I will set out in the garage one night this week while he is out there.
Sent a text this morning just saying have a great day! (I know bad) BUT I did not want him coming home to mad because we were supposed to go racing tonight with D8. More of a temp check deal I guess. He simply said you to! Which is a response more than I have gotten in a week now! He came home said Hey I am going fishing tomorrow I just looked at him. (I have told him 100 x's you can not tell me what to do you need to ask idc if we are not together it always involves me watching kids.) He then said sorry "can I go fishing tomorrow would that be ok?" I said yes I think I am going to take D8 to do something tomorrow evening anyways. (she is the only one here on Fridays) Good part is at least he asked because I had him asking then when we fought he went back to telling me! He fell asleep on couch as soon as he got home from work. I sat around for a while and then made dinner. woke him up when I brought plate out to him as D8 wanted to eat in our room so she could watch tv. he said set it on the coffee table please and thanks for making dinner. He fell back asleep so I let him sleep. It is no longer my job to babysit him make sure he gets up gets things done. If he wants to sleep all night go ahead. I ate then took laptop back to our room sat with D8. He comes back around 9 tonight and asked why I let him sleep for 5 hours. I just said I tried to wake you. He then back a few minutes later and said he was running across town asked if it was ok with me if he did (asking again twice in one day world may end) I said it was fine again. He said "I did not want to just leave because I know you would bit** about it" yep usually true but its time I do not worry about what he is doing. I told him I would not eat the dinner I set out for him the dog licked it. He would need to find something else! So positive for today: He had a good attitude, I had a good attitude, I just let him sleep instead of "taking care of him" like usual, he asked twice to do things not just told me, I have not asked him to spend time with me in 2 days. Tomorrow there is NO texting and depending when gma gets home with D8 i will try to be gone before he gets home!
