I walked in from vacation - after being in the car mostly traffic for 8.5 hours with 3 kids and a dog- and I am having a panic attack having to interact with H. He is acting normal, not like a husband, but like a casual friend. Of course I expected that but every time my heart breaks. I've been home 20 minutes and I am running out to drink wine with a friend. I need to calm down so I don't react emotionally. How am I going to get over this? How can I stop feeling heartbroken? OK, running out now to catch up with my friend while H catches up with the kids.
Thanks Matt! I went out and had a couple of drinks with my friend- sat on her porch, and then when I was good and happy texted H and invited him over to have a drink with us. And my friends' H at that point. He came over (short walk) and was already pretty loaded, and we had a very happy sociable time. Walked home together and he held my hand!
I feel like he is trying. In a limited and "I am depressed and still not sure" way, but trying. I need to work on controlling my emotions. Not react, but act thoughtfully and with care. The wine actually relaxes me - I usually only have one glass - and I don't get drunk or lose control.
2 good days in a row! I *think* he is trying. He is out of town now for a few days so I can breathe a sigh of relief and hopefully he will still be trying when he gets back. Going to spend the weekend enjoying my kids and friends and my parents are coming in for a visit. I met with an IC this morning and she said I am doing really well and that I need to speak up more in MC.
Also I started a 180 for myself, I figured if I am making all these changes for H I might as well do one for me. I am always stressed out because I can't keep up with cleaning my kitchen- its always a mess and I am embarrassed when people come over. H doesn't care at all about that, but I do, so I started keeping up with it better. A little hard now that the kids are home for the summer, so I have them and their friends making messes all day, but it is looking better and I feel good about it.
RG I hope the dynamics are changing. I feel like they are, but I am scared to get my hopes up. H still hasn't said he loves me or hasn't admitted that he has any role at all in our problems. I am half way through the DR book. So far nothing new that I haven't picked up here, but I wish I read it months ago. Also having serious doubts about our MC, he gets great reviews and my IC even said she has heard great things about him, but his methods with me have been questionable and she (IC) was surprised when I told her what is going on in MC. I will catch you all up on it next week, trying not to spend too much mental energy on it right now, got to go pack my son for boy scout camp and plan a fun night for tonight.
Also have to clean the kitchen again, it seems to mess itself up every 10 minutes. I am having fun with the 180's, turning them into a game, its fun to challenge myself and see that I can do better. So far I did a 180 with the inlaws relationship, with socializing at parties (H said I was socially retarded and cling to him at parties, well now I mingle- and wasn't that a mean thing to say???), I look much better (H never complained but I will admit I let myself get frumpy before - now I look much better), and now cleaning the kitchen. Also not reacting emotionally. That is not a 180 yet, more like a 90, working my way up.
Once I get a job in the fall H had better watch out, I am going to be his dream woman and who knows if he will be able to measure up at that point! (OK, I can dream, I think I will be in love with him forever even if he doesn't change at all, even though he has plenty of his own faults- but I always just accepted him.)
I made it through another day. Had a little party last night, fire pit and friends over while kids played, it was really fun. H has no idea. I don't care if he knows or not, I did it for me and my kids. My parents are coming today for the weekend. When am I going to have time to obsess about H? I guess that is one of the advantages of GAL.
Hi Photoka - really pleased to read your posts above. Reminded me of a post I read in the MLC area today, where someone said - 'I am the shizzle!!'
Driving the other day and thinking about things - I realised that I truly am the prize - not H - he isn't the prize....I am. It is nice when you can think that and believe it - even when it comes and goes.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. And remember, what H thinks about it all isn't the main thing - these things are mainly for you!!
Hope you have a great weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Toots, that is funny, I will remind myself that I am the prize. And so are my kids, they don't deserve screaming and drunkenness in their home or being left alone while the parent who is supposed to be taking care of them goes out on a date with his gf. In a snowstorm. While I am at an emergency dr. appointment with my daughter. Hmmmm.....I guess I am angry about that one. I told my IC yesterday that I don't feel much anger and I am concerned that now that H is starting to check in more and I am feeling stronger that my anger will surface and that will scare H off. She said it might. So for now I have to manage my emotions. Which is better than having my emotions manage me. I never realized before how much that was the case.
But then again, I am not perfect and as much as I am committed to changing myself and restoring my marriage, the irony is that the more I change the more I realize that I didn't deserve this and this wasn't my fault and I was lovable and fine the way I was. So really I guess I am improving myself for myself, because either way I am coming out of this a different person and with a different marriage (or no marriage.) If I am going through all of this pain at least the one thing I can guarantee is that I will be a better person for it.
