drop the rope- part III

[Bob723]

Hi Zephyr,

I just wanted to stop by and inform you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I think you handled the situation pretty well, too. What's going on today?

Peace to you, my friend, and may every day be better than the previous. Hang in there!

Your friend,

Bob

[Elly4]

Hi Zephyr,

I'm thinking of you today and hoping all is well.

I'm keeping you on my prayer list.

*hugs*
E

[Zephyr]

hey guys. having issues trying to figure out how to breach the subject of finances and overspending habits of 'our family' with the wife.

this has been a problem for some time and I've been able to manage things. but since the whole college thing have been going on, the extra cushion I've had kinda built in, the debt is starting to pile up. i knew things would get bad for the couple of years through college but i didn't imaging they would start to drift so rapidly.

I do not want to put this all on wife for college. I ABSOLUTELY supported the decision and want her to understand that this is not the issue. the issue is just normal overspending. say if you go to target to pick up 50 dollars worth of groc's and leave with $125 worth of stuff...over and over it adds up.

every time I've breached the subject in the past (has been a while) the topic ALLWAYS ends up on the house and how it is such mistake. this is one of her go to topics as far as blaming me for the house and it is a huge source of resentment. our mortgage is ~30% of our income so it is not out of line from what i'd expect.

we had a bad spring with necessary purchases (tree service, car service, extra medical bills) which I get. but then there is no hesitation to maintain spending patterns. wife does understand and even jokes while shopping 'I really have a problem' or 'i am just terrible' when it comes to buying stuff she wants and may not really needs.

I don't want this to be a confrontation. I don't want this to be accusatory, because I have supported her in this. I also have tried to be more 'understanding' with spending as a minor 180 insofar as I was a tyrant for a long time about not going out to eat or not spending a dime on myself to try to save family money or discouraging having a good time to save some dough. wife works very hard and earns her share...so i am not trying to 'tell her' what she can and can't do on spending.

I am part of the issue here. I have bought myself things here and there, spent money on guitar lessons and I have been more amiable about eating out. I cook 100% of the meals if we don't eat out and honestly I don't like to cook every day. I have also actually encouraged her to 'go ahead and buy that dress if you want' in an effort to not be such a tight wad.

Any advice on how to breach this subject would be appreciated.

one issue I've had as a person is to hide these sorts of problems and just try to fix them on my own. that is not fair to me and it is not fair to my wife to hide the financial situation from her. i think it was in one of the Harley books that talked about being open and honesty as a need for wife from husband...hiding things like this is not honesty.

a topic for another day, i am actually growing weary of having to hide feelings from wife. if there is something that may be bothering me, i cannot tell her what is bugging me. i cannot voice my dissatisfaction with her in our current relationship state. it is all part of the 'more of the same from Zephyr about hiding true feelings as the "nice guy" syndrome that i am trying to break'

Thank you all!!!

[Zephyr]

I feel like a lunatic. I left the office this morning and have been hanging out at the park reading and rereading the detachment chapter in codependency no more. I keep going back to the same excerpt.

"It hits you in the stomach. The feeling fills you up-thst gut-twisting, hand wringing anxiety that is so familiar to CD's. It is what causes us to do much of what we do that hurts ourselves; it is the substance worry and obsession feed upon. It is fear at its worst. Fear usually cones and goes, leaving us in flight, ready to fight or just temporarily frightened. But anxiety hangs in there. It grips the mind, paralyzing it for all but its own purpose - an endless rehashing of the same useless thoughts. It is the fuel that propels us into controlling behaviors of all sorts. We can think of nothing but keeping a lid on things, controlling the problems. And making it go away; it is the stuff CD is made of" -beattie.

It goes on and on with truth. I feel just nuts lately. I have been trying to let go. Trying to get out. Trying to living in the moment. I feel like most mornings I walk out the door with a sense of purpose to do whet I need to do. I get to work and all I do is obsess on db site and what my future holds. What I can do or say to make things better. I stare at the computer screen. When I'm out doing I feel great. I feel relieved. I feel like an awesome guy.

When I sit st work I turn into a weakling. Analyzing and overanalyzing everything. Worrying. Trying to make sense of things.

I am sorry. I am sure by now I sound like a broken record. I am tired of the strain. I am tired of the not knowing. I am really just tired of feeling like a crazy person.

[Elly4]

Hi Zephyr,

I honestly don't have any advice for you in the area of finances, but as for your second post, we all feel crazy at some point during this process. And as I'm typing "some point" I'm thinking every day, sometimes every minute, sometimes not for a week. Read every post on here and we all sound like broken records too. That's what this board is for. Support for us while we're feeling broken and lost and a little bit crazy.

I forgot, what do you do for work? It sounds like it might not be challenging enough for you to keep your mind off of your R. Is there something you can do so that you don't physically have the time to be hitting the boards all during the day, and obsessing? Is there other things that you have been putting off that you can do, or maybe the rubber band technique when you start thinking too hard? For me, the hard time is when I'm home alone with my S all day. As someone else, I think Matt, mentioned, a 4 year old can only hold my intellectual attention for so long. So, I'll get up and wash some clothes, or clean a shelf, or do some paperwork that I've been avoiding. Keeps my mind grounded rather than obsessing.

I totally understand where you are right now, and I wish I had a magic bullet for you. Just know that maybe tomorrow or the day after that you will start feeling better again. Until then, I'll keep you in my prayers.

E

ps. I'm hoping someone with more experience can help you out with the finances.

[Zephyr]

Thanks E, I will start the rubber band tomorrow. Can't be worse than the anxiety

Btw - I am an engineer in construction consulting.

[roist]

I wanted to reply straight away but between not having much tine and nit being sure if I had anything useful to say, I waited. I'm glad E replied so you know you are being thought of.

Regarding your first message. It is important to keep an eye on the financial situation. I would add though that up to a certain point money is now not the most important factor. Your happiness and that of your W are mire important. So the odd pleasure buy or GAL activity should be seen as investing in the future. That being said it us still important. There are snipits about it in DR. Ideally you need to find a way that your W thinks about and decides herself to watch her spending. If it comes from you it is controlling. I don't know how to do that except maybe leave some statements a bills together so she finds them. But not knowing your W I can't advise better.

If this topic has always been a flashpoint you need to do something different.

I hear you about not being able to openly state your frustrations and all other thoughts with your W. I agree, but the advice seems to be to avoid talking about negative stuff and problems. This is a big issue for me as I really feel we should be working more as a team on all issues. Just remember that that is what you are working towards.

If your finances are bad you need to address them and if needs be in an alpha manner. Wait for wiser advisors though.

As for your second message, what sparked this? E replied well and I'll reiterate the same message. Focus on what you can control and leave the uncertainty etc alone.

[roist]

Remember that to date you have always ALWAYS gotten through the worst of days. You will get through this one too

[Zephyr]

I have been having a ton more fun and enjoying myself / splurging more more since ive been letting things like spending money not bug me so much...there has got to be a compromise. Something different...you are right. Need to think on that.

Yesterday was a bad day, really all it was roiste. Nothing specific. I will say that I've been getting lax in my db focus. It is difficult to see that truth when things are going better.

Lately I have been too overwilling with trying to help her with general stuff and trying to do do a little to much for her and too with exhuberant with compliments. Need to slow that down for sure...too controlling.

A bunch of our friends have been going through D's lately and I see none of them are unfixable. But the rhetoric from my wife has been positive for sure. Statements like, does x really think things will get better just because D, or what will that fix. There are seads there...I know it is not my job to water them...but damn do I want to help those seeds grow.

Focus on me, am the only one I can fix.

[Fogg]

You can water them, just not in the way you think directly. Keep being that lighthouse and do what you have been doing for the most part and it works.

Not sure how you will approach that subject on the spending, we had the same issues but it was both of us. My covert contracts of being a nice guy caused me to want to go out and spend needlessly and she did at times also. Whatever you do do, make sure its focused on you also and not just her, she will instantly get defensive if you start out with her.

Yep, focus on you and let her fix herself

Also, the amount of engineers on this site is concerning at times.