Little Cloud of Dust - PigPen & The WAW (3)

[PigPen]

Thanks everyone. I've had two days to really let it all sink in. I spoke yesterday with my W's cousin, he reached out to her about why she cancelled the meeting. He relayed to me that she stated she's in a really good place in her life, that our issues were less about my substance use, and more about the fact that we "speak different languages".

I'm not sure what that means, but as I wrote in my original post - this is the third time that my W has left me. Two while we were dating, and then BD. Oddly enough, since BD both of our lives have flourished in ways that we simply couldn't make them while we were together. It's hard to realize, but it's true. She left me and started the business she wanted to for our whole M. She left me and I got completely sober, changed my job to what I've always wanted to do, and found myself again.

This may sound like I'm giving up on my M, but I'm not. I'm simply not fighting for it any more. The rope has been dropped. I'm going to be fine with or without her and now I believe the real DB'ing begins.

For the three weeks leading up to this meeting, I was a mess. No real GAL'ing, no productivity at work, my business partner upset with me, me not feeling like I was back to the week after BD with the anxiety and depression. I felt like I was barely treading water. Today I got out of the pool and realized that the sun feels great on my skin.

This morning I hooked up with a literary coach and have a writing schedule set up. This afternoon I got back in the gym. This weekend is packed with fun plans. Next week I have a ton of things I actually want to accomplish at work. I'm not turning down any invitations for the subconscious fear that if I move on too much my W won't come back. I'm moving forward. With a passion.

There is truly a weight off of my shoulders now. If she wants back, she can call me. If she wants to talk, I'm here. Otherwise, I'm going to be busy creating the life that I've always wanted - one that's healthy, vibrant, sober, humble, congruent, overflowing with integrity and honesty, and let's me feel like I'm making a difference in the world. Just writing that makes me feel better than I have in weeks.

I love my W, love her to death. In fact, I can say with 100% truth that I love her enough to leave her be and let her find her own bliss without me. I'm going to do the same. I believe I finally understand what all the fuss is about "detachment".

Blessings to everyone on this board for guiding me this far in my journey. Let the real DB'ing begin.

Much love,

PP

[Defacto]

PP,
Nice work. This is an incredible PMA! By no means is the journey over but kudos for coming to the realization that you can still be happy with or without your W. Very inspirational stuff. I'm going to reread it to get motivated myself.

[DifRent]

PigPen, you're a serious inspiration. In my own thread just now I said I wanted to be a success story here, meaning I want reconciliation. But the truth is, I want what you seem to have achieved here... a life that is "healthy, vibrant, sober, humble, congruent, (and) overflowing with integrity and honesty."

You have painted the picture of a spouse only a fool would leave.

Hugs,
Dif

[asitis]

Struggles with relationships are often our best teachers and spur us to do something that allows growth. The growth isn't an indicator that the one should therefore ditch the relationship - as all relationships are work and have struggles that can stimulate growth - but one of the challenges is that if you get the opportunity to patch it back together it will be much stronger if you can figure out a way to allow both of you to continue to grow within the R. I hope you get that opportunity, but it is great that you can see what you have gained out of the hard struggle itself.

I agree that the cancellation of this meeting may have been a very good thing for you, both in terms of your well-being (you were driving yourself a bit nuts) and your ability to detach and be effective at DBing. It was fairly clear that your W was not really ready to work on things, and the MC was premature. I'm hopeful that her cancelling turns out to be a blessing in disguise no matter who difficult it was to have her do that.

Keep strong and good work!

[Vanilla]

PP

Now the standing begins. Now can you can try the lighthouse strategy that has worked for so many.

I still hold the view that WAW should see you achieve a milestone pin.

V

[V2pt0]

PP,

Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How is the GAL coming along?

BW

[SunnyB]

PP, yesterday at the gym I had DLs on the schedule. The gym was full of teenage boys and I was waiting on one guy to finish with the power cage. He finally did and started to unload his bar. I told him no need to unload it, I'd just use it that way. That was fun.

Wishing you a good evening :-)

[PigPen]

Thank you for checking in on me and for everyone's comments. I haven't been on my own thread in a while.

Dif - you made me tear up! First time in a long while that it's been out of happiness. Thank you immensely.

As - yep, I've learned a lifetime's worth of lessons in the last six months. Being just fine in my own skin is the biggest one. Not sure if the show is worth the price of admission just yet, but I can't argue with sobriety and self respect.

BW - my GAL is coming along, I've been enjoying myself and although I still think of my W, I'm truly making decisions and plans as if she were never coming back. This has been huge and as hard as it is, has brought peace to my life. I'm assuming she's done. She's told me she's done. She's told her family she's done. I'm listening and moving towards an amazing life that I'd love for her to be a part of, but it's going to be amazing either way.

Today was a big day. I have been going back and forth with my business partner about the direction and future of our business. He loves what we do and wants me equally committed. I love what we do but also want to do other things too. Today I told him that I would be leaving our business in January and pursuing my own interests. I have his blessing, he has mine.

I believe this is part of the "why" behind everything happening this year. I need to be on my own, prove to myself that I can be on my own, and give the world the unique message that I've been stifling for years for fear of upsetting him or taking the chance that I couldn't with a W and the desire to start a family.

Having the stress of my separation and upset in our business at the same time was more than I could bare on most days - I felt like I was losing both of my families. Truly when one stress let up, the other swooped in. I've been one warn out PP for the last month especially. Tonight I believe I will sleep.

Although I have fear of the future, I'm excited about the possibilities for the first time in a long time. I helped build an amazing business in a town where I knew no one, and in an industry that I had no experience. I did so stoned, drinking too much, and living on adrenaline, caffeine and no sleep. Now I get to take all of that knowledge and understanding and craft my own business, but do it completely sober and present. The fear is only matched by my excitement and drive to make a difference in people's lives. Doing so would make all of the pain of my separation worth while so I have on heck of a motivation.

No news on the W front unfortunately. Although now I'm not worried about upsetting her or pushing her buttons or afraid she's going to leave me again. I have reached out and asked to have our dog back for a few months, but haven't heard back.

Again, I thank everyone here for their support, we all say it, but it truly does mean the world to me and has often times been the reason I could get out of bed on some days.

Big hugs,

PP

[PigPen]

PP, yesterday at the gym I had DLs on the schedule. The gym was full of teenage boys and I was waiting on one guy to finish with the power cage. He finally did and started to unload his bar. I told him no need to unload it, I'd just use it that way. That was fun.

Wishing you a good evening :-)

This makes me very happy Sunny! Show them who's who in there.

How is your pull up work coming along?

[Vanilla]

I saw on another thread you needed a hug so

(((((((Hugs))))))))

Big ones and squill ions of them. I am as excited as you are about your new business. Do tell me more, what are your goals for it? What steps will you put in place to be ready for January?


V