Ok-sorry for the frequent posts but H just texted me to see if I want us to go away with kids this weekend for my birthday???
Said "sure" but keeping expectations at a solid 0. H said he wanted to go away for 4th and then backpeddled out of it.
Funny thing is: I was so nervous about going away for the 4th. The logistics scared me. How would we be in such close quarters? The silence of the car ride.
This time I really don't care if he backs out of it. And I am not nervous about the logistics. I am so used to his weird fidgety ways now. And I am so comfortable in the silences.
Let's see if he panics...
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Your H will act very much like a young teenager. IMO he is following your lead with the kids a bit like an older sibling would. You are now taking on the role of a parent type figure for him. He may look to you for guidance and probably explains how he reacted with the guy he was friendly with. The main thing is to maintain a steady course and keep the rebellious teenager at bay.
If you try and lead a teenager they may rebel or make it clear they don't need your help. There may be a time for this but it will probably be further down the road.
Enjoy the nice things but as job says keep your guard up and zero expectations. Stick to your path and hold a steady course.
If he follows through with the holiday plans I would go and enjoy yourself regardless. You can have plenty of conversation and fun with the kids if H wants to remain silent.
When in MLC, they go back the time that they were emotionally stunted and grow up from there. Therefore, if your h is acting like a young teenager, it's not a surprise. You become the authority figure, which means "mom" or someone who oversaw his upbringing. He will eventually not see you as a wife, but a mom and/or a friend. The term "friend" that they talk about is not what we consider as a friend.
Since you have children, your h may become jealous of the attention that you shower your children with. This is very normal. Also, your h may become great pals w/one child and not the other. Why one child? It will be the child that doesn't question and/or challenge him on his behavior. This is normal behavior.
If he is following your lead, then he is possibly thinking of himself as 12/13 or even younger and/or older, but is looking to you as mom and doing things w/mom. BTW, if he's telling you things that he's doing, he's checking in w/mom. If he's telling you of things that he's done around the house, he's looking to mom to recognize his good work and wants affirmation for what he's done. Be sure to acknowledge his accomplishments. It is important to him.
If you do go away, enjoy yourself, but don't expect him to be the man you once knew. As you travel this path, you are going to catch glimpses of many personalities. They wear invisible masks to see which one suits them.
Stay the course. Keep the focus on you and your children. Repeat often: I didn't break him, therefore I can't fix him". Your h is the only one that fix himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lionhrt and Job-all great info. Thanks! Re-reading it all.
Job-what do you mean that their term of "friend" is not what we mean? Please elaborate.
Also, looking back on it, I think there have been many, many instances where my H was jealous of attention I gave to my kids. Oftentimes, rather than join forces and co-parent (which would have stengthened our marital bond) H seemed to want to be a third kid. On my end I appeased but resentfully so. Made a BIG mistake there. As resentment kept building on my end. Often I felt more like his mother or live in nanny vs. an equal.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
What should I do when he becomes jealous of attention to children? How do I respond given where he is mentally?
I do think I focused more attention on the kids once they were a bit older and my resentment was at all time high. So I know I need to re-balance the scales on my end, too. But how, with a pre-teen?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Your h may not become jealous of all of the attention that the children get. Some do, some don't and I wouldn't worry about it right now...unless showing signs of resentment and/or jealousy.
How would you respond if your children were jealous of one another? You would have to focus on rebalancing the scales.
Don't borrow trouble if you aren't having any right now. The time to be concerned about this, i.e., such as I have mentioned when they begin to occur.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Here is a brief description of what "friends" may look like to rational people:
"Signs of a Good Friend
Friends will come and go in your life, but more important than how long a friendship lasts, is that a good friend will love you for who you are. The way you can tell the sign of a good friend is by looking at the actions they take –big and small – that show they care.
Some common signs of a good friend include:
someone who will support you no matter what someone you can trust and who won’t judge you someone who won’t put you down or deliberately hurt your feelings someone who is kind and has respect for you someone who will love you because they choose to, not because they feel like they should someone whose company you enjoy showing loyalty being trustworthy and willing to tell you the truth, even when it’s hard someone who can laugh when you do someone who is willing to stick around when things get tough someone who makes you smile someone who is there to listen someone who will cry when you cry.
My interpretation of the "Signs of a Good Friend According to the MLCer:
someone who is willing to be a f@ck buddy, i.e., friends w/benefits w/o giving anything in return someone you contact only when you want something someone you don't respect, but tolerate because you want something from them someone who is a friend today, but not tomorrow someone you have no ties to whatsoever but will contact you when they want something someone who isn't going to challenge and/or question the MLCer on their irrational behavior someone who wants to have a good time, party and spend money like water and doesn't care about the consequences of their actions someone who will accept the MLCer as they he/she is today, no questions asked someone who listens to the MLCer and encourages them in their behavior, not only the party and spending behavior, but to take their spouses to the cleaners someone who will help the MLCer create ways to annoy the spouse and help the MLCer any way that they can to annoy the spouse (this does happen in some cases)
In other words, when a MLCer says let's be friends, the friendship is not a deeper reliable, trustworthy friendship. It's a very shallow friendship whereby the MLCer only wants to be friends w/you when it suits their needs and when they need those needs met. Being friends w/a MLCer is a one way relationship....their way.
I'm sure others can come up w/more examples...but this is my list of what shallow friendship is all about.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There is clearly some strange cycling occurring. Two days ago H was flatlined when it came to texting me. Yesterday I received one unnecessary text, then we joked a bit.
Today he has initiated 4 conversations.
When it rains it pours.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you Job for the breakdown on an MLCers view of friends. Scary list.
Oi. Hope he doesn't try to mold me into that category of "friend."
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
