On Friday H and I are having a conversation with a third person. H tells person that we have been together 20 yrs., where I grew up, etc. He is making eye contact with me as the 3 of us talk (something new). It feels odd to see this now stranger tell my history. He has rewritten so much of our shared history I was surprised he still knew this info. Was I expecting him to also rewrite my personal history?
We still do things as a family each weekend for the kids. Each weekend H basically talks to the kids, asks them what they want to do and all along ignores me like I am invisible.
Mid-day Saturday H asks "do you guys want to go to dinner?" I let kids answer as, he pretty much only talks to them while we are all together. But then, he says "does somebody named HaWho want to come to dinner too?" He categorically includes me.
He continues to includes me in the daily plans.
In the evening we are all at home. It is Saturday. He has stayed home the last 3 Saturdays, no crazy disappearing acts. What is in store tonight I wonder?
S11 comes up and tells me dad wants to know if we want to do something tonight. First time we do something as a family on a Saturday night in a LOOONNNNG time.
We go out. No conversation between us really. But on ride home he initiates conversation with me that is above the kids' head. Another first.
When we come home, another first. He stays in the living room with us all. I am in the other room for a moment and I hear him apologize to one or both of the kids for something. He is quiet about it. I have only heard him say "I am sorry" once in our whole relationship. These are tough word for him.
Last oddity is S11 says in a very goofy voice: "do you love me daddy?" H comes from a tough neighborhood and a traumatic childhood home. Such words were not spoken. He never engages in this kind of stuff. With tenderness he says "of course I do, what kind of question is that?" NEVER heard this H before. New personality all together emerges for a moment. I like this one. Don't worry, I know not to get attached.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
This weekend I did a 180 on my "give to get" need!
H used to open every door for me, even my car door! I took this for granted. Sometimes he still does it and he hates that he does it out of habit; I can tell.
All along I am working on so much simultaneously: detachment, 180's and on advice of DB coach Love Languages. Basic civility is being restored. Slowly, ever so slowly. And with each change I am remembering the cool, self assured cat I once was, decades ago. What happened to that girl?!?
On Sat. H opened my car door for me and not accidentally, nor did he regret it afterwards. Seemed to be out of heavy fog this weekend. I was so shocked I did not say thank you. There was a time I would analyze my mistake. But I let it go! All I did was open his door before he came around the other way. Felt freeing!
Next time we came to the car, he did not open my door. And here's a biggie: I didn't read anything into it! I just opened his door once again before he came around. And most importantly I didn't treat him any differently for not opening my door. I didn't analzye, show disappointment, no change in body languuate, etc. I didn't care! And I know he read the difference. Changing the dance...
Next time it was time to go in the car, he opened my door me and this time I did say thank you and I opened his side!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
And I hit a MAJOR detachment milestone this weekend, too.
H seems to be slowing down on his weekend running around. Has not gone out on a Fri./Sat. in several weekends. Last weekend be went out on Sunday night. He said where he was going but who knows. It was hard for me because of course I pictured OW. But I said bye and was cheerful-no pressure. He looked annoyed at my reaction.
This weekend H hung out with us Fri. and Sat. On Sunday we all went to the beach and ate outside. Almost no conversation between us but I felt no tension internally either. Beautiful night and I found the joy in a peaceful weekend.
On Sunday at 8:15PM he gets dressed in decent clothes to walk the dog. He says goodnight and says he doesn't know when he'll be home. Here we go...
As he is leaving I feel the panic and think of OW. Does she exist? But then, I think, I can leave anytime I want!! I am not a prisoner here. I say bye and good night and like I mean it because I do. No passive aggressive body language. I hear Job's advice: the guy I knew is gone, let him go. I am right where I want to be: providing my kids a stable, loving home.
I turn on music and per kids' request we start a game of Monopoly. And I stop thinking of him. Because I don't want this guy anyway. And I don't think of him or OW. I am happy. And then...
Within 15 minutes he is home and he stays home. And I know he sees that I am not sitting around pining for him.
Felt liberating to change not just the dance steps, but the music, too.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
IMO detachment is one of the most difficult aspects of DB to do properly and takes considerable time to get there. At first you force it......in time you get to the point you think you need to be...then they will do something that makes you question whether you are detached at all...and you realise you are not quite there yet
So good on you for putting the negative thoughts re OW to one side. You should take confidence in this going forwards.
This time around what helped me to detach was to realize I don't want this guy. I don't know what the end product will be/if I will even want that. So I realize there is no point in trying to hold on to him. I am holding on for the sake of holding on.
I am also starting to realize that although I have work to do on myself, if this R is viable at some point in the future, I need things to change on his end, too. Who knows if he is even willing to see that and make any concessions on his end.
Going in to this he could not admit even the smallest fault. Meanwhile I am a pleaser. From up here in my detachment perch I see the cycle.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Since Friday H has been "playing house." He has been around (no going out, has been saying where he is going/when he will be back, started texting about nonessential stuff and even engaged in joking banter via text). This is the longest duration thus far that he has joined the living
Is this because he has processed some stage/experience from childhood so he is coming up for air before he goes back in the tunnel to tackle something else? Just curious here.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I wouldn't let my guard down. He's probably having a moment of clarity. Some of them do this and length of time for clarity can vary. Maybe the depression has lifted just a wee bit to allow him to act normal, but who knows.
I would continue to observe and if he is friendly towards you, then do the same w/him, but keep those expectations at zero if you can.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job. I will hang back. I have LOTS of practice.
I know they all go through it differently. He has been whistling and singing like his old self. Yesterday he texted me to tell me he was going to fix "x" in the house and he did it. Seemed to be an adult not a kid trying to please his mother. More like a true adult spouse. First time he has done a thing on the house in a year. Other weird thing is he slept with his door open last night. Has not done this since BD.
Know I should not be watching-but I am through laced fingers. Can't help it when he lives with me.
This all comes on the heels of me reaching a detachment plateau. Weekend of 4th I woke up and remembered last relationship I had before H. I felt like boyfriend was distancing and we were drifting. I broke it off with him and as I did, although it hurt, I remember feeling this cementing in me. It was this voice that said: "you can do this. You'll be better off w/o this sitch." And I was. Months later boyfriend tried to come back and I was done. Anyway, that same cementing feeling hit me with H on 4th.
Let's see how long it lasts ...
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
One more question: are there accounts of some of them needing to be "led" more than others do?
At some point I read that there are moments they are so lost/childlike that you can sort of hypnotize them. Oftentimes I have noticed my H does follow along more than rebel.
If I say out loud the kids need to do chores more, over the next few days he will say the exact same. Sometimes he repeats what I say verbatim. When I said I needed to fix my son's bike son, next day H fixed something in house.
At one point H became friends with a guy who had shady character (in relationships and in financial dealings). In height of replay H decided to go away with his guy and I very kindly told him to have fun but that I thought he was cut from a different cloth than this guy. He looked hypnotized by this. Exact thing I would say to my 12 year old. He stopped hanging around with him after that weekend.
Any thoughts/experiences with this? Seems like he is sometimes looking for how he is supposed to act.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
