Thanks. I am not sure why I can not seem to get advice I really do not know where to go with this. After we came inside last night it was all about how he hates me he cant stand to even come home anymore he will never ever come back to me all he wants me to do is leave. He could care less if he ever talks to me again! I am not sure What to do anymore. I am not sure If i should believe him or not! sometimes I feel like living together is only making it worse because all he wants is the relationship with OW! He swears they are taking it slow she wont be moving in. I am not sure after a year if he is really in love with her or if it is still honeymoon as she hasnt met the family and its only texting and weekends they spend together. I am truly needing some advice. I do not want to keep fighting. I am sick of it. He is still being rude today but did say I could go to the fish fry at his work tonight but only if i keep to myself. i am not sure what that means. he told me last night he doesnt even want to talk to me. i am tired of the hate and hurtfullness from both of us. My goal this week is to not allow a fight and not say anything negative to him. I know I can not tell him anymore I have to show action. He does not believe my words now. So actions only. I told him I would give him a few days of space so i will start tomorrow not texting and see wednessday if he wants to go to the races on thursday. I will just have to walk on egg shells for a few days. Someone out there has to have advice and i REALLY NEED IT! I do not want to give up and move out I want to try my hardest to save this relationship.
this weeks goals 1. no fighting I will ask for a time out or go to our room if things get tense I will validate his feelings and ask to finish conversation at a later time
2. do two things with the kids this week on my own park swimming
3. I will not text/call/or start conversation first start detatching
It's true gut check time. I've read some of what's going on, and it's time you start prioritizing and making progress for your own sake. This is not fun, and it's not going to be easy. I've been at this three months now. You HAVE to take control of you self and your situation.
1. If your H is really calling you names like "stupid a$$", then he is being emotionally abusive. I can't fathom this, and I truly hope he is/has not been physically abusive. If he has, then it's time to stop Divorce Busting and start figuring out how to remove you self from that environment. You owe that to you and your kids.
2. There is a wealth of information on here that will help you. Read and re-read, and then read again Sandi 's 37 rules. (Look right after your first post for the link). Until you start doing ALL of those, no amount of advice from anyone on here will help. These things work - but you have to work too.
3. Stop calling, texting, begging, initiating conversations. You know he's with OW. Why text him? Do you think he's going to read your text and suddenly say "oh, sorry, I guess I'm hurting her, I need to go home". He's not going to do that.
4. You need to outwardly be happy. Even when internally you are being torn apart. Stop telling him to make dinner. Stop pointing out all the stuff he doesn't do. Start making lists of the things he DOES do and thank him for those things every once in awhile. It may or may not help, but it's a 180 anyway.
5. I know it's hard with kids, but you need to make plans and be unavailable to him. Make plans with the kids if nothing else. But NOTHING with him. No fish frys, no date nights, no anything.
I can't make these changes for you. You have to do this for you.
I'm going to repeat myself so I'm loud and clear. Do NOT try to save an abusive marriage. You need to talk to someone like a counselor or pastor to help you find somewhere safe for you and your kids.
We will help you through the tough times, but you have to commit to this and it has to be with your children's best interests in mind. If I'm reading your signature line correctly, none of your kids are from both of you together? You have an 8 year old who is watching someone who is not her father mistreat you?
I know this is not an easy situation, but you have to keep your child in mind.
Thanks ralphy! He is not physically abusive and has NEVER been emotionally abusive until recently and I am not sure why he is. Actually he is usually pretty kind hearted. I am not sure if his anger and frustration is getting the best of him or what. If me pulling away bothered him and he thought he could get my attention or what his deal is. We have both been emotionally abusive recently. I think the stress is really getting to us. I have considered moving out but really truly can't afford it and from what I have read on threads here moving is not usually helpful. He tends to only be like this when he is very angry. It happens very seldom. Definatly not an excuse don't worry I do not defend him in fact I keep telling him I understand he is upset but I do not deserve to be talked to like that and if he can not be respectful to please just not talk to me. I can not say I am innocent though so it makes it harder. It is one of my goals to try to find the good and not the bad. it has been so bad for a year its hard to find positive though. I have read them and will continue reading them for reminders. i have also printed them and stuck them in the front of my notebook so they are available anytime! I am committed to making changes for me and the kids. The relationship will either benefit or it wont. I am worried that I/we have been doing all of the wrong things for way to long. It has been a year! I also keep TELLING him I will change and do good for a few weeks and then backslide so I know I need to be consistent. I try to send a message a few times a week thanking him for all he does for me and our family. That I am glad he has stood by me for 13 years in the good and bad. But it is hard to express that when he is not doing what I feel is right even though he thinks he is doing nothing wrong and is in love. I do feel there is more negative than positive so I will make it a priority to be positive. I have always said I would not be in an abusive relationship as that is how I grew up! I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt right now that things have been very stressful this last month. I am sure he is getting pressure from OW for me to leave also as her divorce should be finalizing. I am sure he has to feel torn. What I can not understand is why the affair has lasted so long. Maybe matt is right i have made no consequences or boundaries because I am scared it will only push him farther. I am scared to push him further away. I am also not sure if I should believe what he is telling me as he only says the hurtful things when he is angry otherwise there is no mention about hating me, not being able to stand me and wanting me to leave. I also feel his actions do not say any of that. He has obviously allowed me to stay, he knowing helped spend my savings, he allows me to help with kids pick-up drop off, has not let her meet his parents, does not let her around kids due to my request as they do not know we are not together, share the same bed, had a SL until a few weeks ago, and I still manage all of the money. I believe those would be major changes if he wanted me out that bad so I dont know do I believe him or not? I am trying to keep the children in mind, mine and his. I hate to tear them apart if there is a chance we can work it out but I also know at some point enough has to be enough. The hardest part is the kids and I have no family I associate with his family has been my family since I lived with them at 17. the other hard part is we will always have to be around each other for family events and ect. His parents are always going to be grandparents to my daughter. I do make sure to keep almost all of the arguments away from the kids. i do not want to disagree in front of them as my parents did this. You are correct he has two kids two moms and i have my child. Her bio dad is not in her life my ex took her in and still takes her every other weekend and attends all of her activities. We have remained very good friends. I have thought many times about the kids feeling the tension and that they learn what you teach them. I am just not sure what to do. Will this affair end? Will this be savable? Does he really LOVE her? why are his actions different from his words? what do I believe? I have so many questions and need answers. Why did we continue a SL he still hugs me, no kissing no ILY no holding hands, why does he agree to not letting kids around, why has she not met his family, why hasnt he kicked me out, IDK I need some understanding about the behaviors and words. I assume part of it is she is not completly divorced yet but that can not be the main reason. they only spend two days a week together and text all day. Can there be strong feelings there? Anyways long enough. I am committed to doing what I can do to change the dynamics. I want to be able to tell the kids honestly I did everything I can and if it still doesnt work then at least I tried. I will look at goals again and refine a little more! Thanks for your input I need straight forward and ideas to bounce off of. If you have a place I can go read about the walk away husband and how I can explain the behaviors I will be more than happy to read read read. I have read the affair one. It seems most end in 6 months or less but his is going on a year! I need major help soon before time really does run out and he really gets upset and makes me leave! Thanks again for all of your advice. I hope this helps explain a little better.
Only text today was that we overspent and I was transfering money! He said last night he was going to OW sons ball game tonight and wanted to take his kids. I simply said no its ok I will go do something with them. He said that is not what he wants he thinks it would be fun to take them. I said no we agreed the kids would not be involved in the situation he stated they werent they dont hug or anything with kids around. I do not believe him, we agreed when he asked me to stay in march that they would not be around it until i moved out. I feel this will protect the kids. i do not want them hurt or confused because they will lose one of us in their lives be it me or OW. So GAL plan today is swimming until at least he leaves for game. we will be gone before he gets here and I will make sure we are not back until he is gone. I asked if he was eating supper here and he said if we ate before 530 i simply said nope that is fine. So i would normally wait until he gets home to eat but tonight i am just going to make dinner for the three of us and he can eat left overs or make something. I will no longer cater to him. Ralphy I know you suggest doing nothing with him but we are going to races with my daughter thursday and sunday his mom is throwing him a graduation party so I will have to attend as his mom is the only one in his family who knows what is going on. so if i dont show up more confusion and hurt for the kids. After this week though the only thing I will consistently do "with" him is take the kids to the races on saturdays. He goes to the other side (pits) with OW and I take kids to grandstands. I DO NOT take them over to see him after the races and I am going to inform him I would like him home half hour after the races. (why should I have to watch the kids for him to hang out with her until 1-2 in the morning) If the kids are here he needs to be home in my opinion. I will continue going to the races so the kids can see their dad race I feel that is important and I actually LOVE racing so its a nice night out for me. I usually go to the fence and wave but I think I may only do this once in a while not every night like I have been. I NEED TO DETATCH! super hard living together with all of his mixed signals! but I can do this! Off to re read sandi's rules! Thanks Matt and Ralphy
He came home from game with OW and I was sitting on the couch reading a blog. I did not even look his way! I usually acknowledge him every time I see him. As soon as he walked through the door he asked how swimming was with the girls..DUH i still had my swim suit on under my sweatpants...guess I did not hide that well! I responded good and I burnt. I immediately shut computer so he would not know I was on here and asked that he tuck the girls in as they had been begging me to tell him. I then walked back at same time gave them a hug and kiss walked back to living room grabbed my cigs and went out to smoke. He said he was going to neighbors to talk and then wanted to relax. I jokingly said yea me to (house cleaned laundry put away dishes done bed made, and took kids swimming) so not much relax time. then he left. that was 40 minutes ago and he is still not back and it does not bother me at all. He asked if I was working friday i said no because I am going to races (we are supposed to go together but I want to make it sound like I am going with or without him due to him saying he was not going with me) which I am sure he is planing to now. I am off to bed without him being home. Hopefully he notices/cares I did not wait up for him as usual. I would normally stay up to say good night or at least text him but I WILL NOT do it! I have made mistakes for over a year and I will only go up from here! with or without him! ANY more advice is welcome from anyone! thanks all
One day at a time. I still think you need to drop the races, etc...everything involving him and find stuff to do with your own kid without him. I'm not going to pretend to understand everything about this though.
Matt777 I hope I can get through tomorrow. It sure is not easy but I NEED to do it for my own sanity and for the relationship!
Ralphy- I would like to give you a little more background on the family sitch! I do agree with you and am open to any and all advice but would also like you to know my family sitch is a little different and more complicated which makes this so much harder to do! I am going to give you as much info as I can and then if you could help me make a decision or give advice that would be great! So here goes! I do not speak to my brother at all have not for a few years now. He is a drunk pathological liar he will steal and lie to get what he wants He "trades" horses and is in big trouble for it and has no "real"job either practically scams as many people as he can. He has even forged my dads signature on things to sell them or trade them for things for himself so I do not feel he is healthy to be around. My father WAS an abusive alcoholic when I was a child my parents divorced when I was 13 and I did not have much of a relationship with him. 3 tours in Iraq later he is a better person but still an alcoholic that I never had much of a relationship with and he does not have a relationship with my child. I do talk to him a few times a year even though he lives less than 10 miles away but it is usually only if i need something again an unhealthy relationship. My mom is a manipulator who can not even take care of herself. She is 50 years old does not own a home does not work her husband is the same way works off and on they can not pay bills never have food blame everyone else and leech off anyone they can. They did this to me for many years I gave money a place to live made car payments anything and everything to help them. I actually had to break up with my ex and move to another town just to get them out of our house. pretty sad. When I was 17 and starting my senior year of HS they left and moved half way across the U.S. and litterally told me if I did not go I would be homeless. I had attended same school my whole life so I moved in with my current husbands family at 17. I finally broke the cycle with my mom after she threatened to call DHS on me for not turning my heat on in september! I told her we wear warm clothes she threatened to have my kid taken away and whatever she could to make me do what she wanted. I finally broke cycle and only talk to her if it is about my D. She is only allowed to see her one time in a month or two unless I am there also. she makes promises to D she can never fulfill. Again a very unhealthy relationship. My sister abuses perscription drugs (painkillers) and is an alcoholic so I have very little contact with her either as I feel it is an unhealthy relationship also. she does not work lives with her bf parents and just found out she is pregnant. she is 25! Yep all healthy you have to wonder how I am not an alcoholic manipulative irresponsible person with no job right! Well me on the other hand I worked 3 jobs from the time I was 16 until I was 18 to help buy my mom cigaretts and pay bills because her current husband sucked her dry. All while going to school activities and raising my brother and sister because she worked at 3 am so was in bed by 5 pm so that left me to take care of them make meals housework and get them off to school to their activities and me to mine. NEEDLESS to say I was so happy to live with husbands parents. I did not have any responsibility they helped me pay for school trips my parents made me pay for the other two myself. the point of this is that I have NO relationship worth having with my own family but H family I am very close with. Even if we split up I would still attend family holidays family dinner every other week niece and nephew birthday parties and they would attend my D events. They are the only "real"grandparents she has that I can trust her to be around. they are the only family I consider myself to have. Every other time we have split up it has been this way so I have a really hard time not attending these events as i lose my only family i have. As for racing. I love watching the races so I would hate to not go. Other thing I run into is if I do not take his kids with me he will just have OW watch them and I do not want OW involved in kids lives and we have agreed to this. He has been pushing it a little more lately but I have still got him to agree to not letting her. I also have been around the D4 since she was an infant so they are like my own children when they are here. I have done everything for them sometimes feeling like i have single parented them while he runs around ect. I pick them up drop them off to parents I have great relationships with one of the moms and the other mom gets along with me better than him. So this could also cause more problems. The most important thing to me i guess is the kids have not been told this is going on as we are still living together sharing a room/bed money chores ect. We live as if we are together with no affection and no SL especially recently we did for most of the year this has been going on. I know I should split some of those things but it is just a bigger fight that I do not want. Fighting is what is pushing us apart so I am doing as much as I can to not have a disagreement. Even if that means some things do not change. I know not DBing but I need to get on a peaceful level to be even able to discuss these things with him. He is currently very unreasonable and only cares about me moving out and leaving him alone. so talking will only cause more problems i need to buy time. As you can tell I have no idea how to set boundaries and no very little about healthy relationships as I was raised in very unhealthy relationships! I am willing to learn read whatever I have to do to change all of these. with all of this information what do you suggest? If you still suggest I let it all go I will definatly give it a try! Its a little different situation because even if we split i wont split from the family like in a typical divorce! I am willing to try anything though to change the dynamics. I am sick to death of fighting and the Affair and all of it really so I will do what it takes to change this! I know I need to stop letting my emotions control me which means I need to detatch. I know I need to keep gong to IC and I know I need to be more positive and not such a door mat. Just not sure how to change behaviors I have had for 30 years! Thanks so much for reading and helping me! I appreciate all advice I can get. I will try anything this family means everything to me as it is all i have! Please be honest and you can be blunt if needed i do not get offended easily!
I really do not know where to go with this. After we came inside last night it was all about how he hates me he cant stand to even come home anymore he will never ever come back to me all he wants me to do is leave. He could care less if he ever talks to me again! I am not sure What to do anymore. I am not sure If i should believe him or not! sometimes I feel like living together is only making it worse because all he wants is the relationship with OW! He swears they are taking it slow she wont be moving in. I am not sure after a year if he is really in love with her or if it is still honeymoon as she hasnt met the family and its only texting and weekends they spend together. I am truly needing some advice. I do not want to keep fighting. I am sick of it. He is still being rude today but did say I could go to the fish fry at his work tonight but only if i keep to myself. i am not sure what that means. he told me last night he doesnt even want to talk to me. i am tired of the hate and hurtfullness from both of us.