Well, did it again. I started to talk about my insecurities. He is annoyed by it. Last MC session he said he wanted our marriage to work and that we have a great bond, now he's not so sure anymore what he wants. I really need to learn to STFU. If it is meant to be it will be...if not it won't. I'm angry at myself and I'm angry at him, because he doesn't seem to care that he hurts me by his indifference.
Last edited by Diana45; 07/14/1502:54 AM.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Diana, sorry about the colds and how stressful Europe was. Hope you at least had some enjoyment from the trip while helping the family.
Originally Posted By: Diana45
I think he really is trying to make an effort. He has downloaded a copy of the 5 Love Languages. I told him that he needed to learn how to speak my love language and keep my love tank full and that I would try to do the same for him.
Yes, I do see him trying to make an effort with what you have said, be patient. You stated you think your LL is words in another part of the post, have either of you taken the online test to see? I wouldn't help trying to speak a LL by either of you if you still don't know each others. The test only take a few minutes and gives you a good idea of what two are your main LL's. Not sure I would push this right now if things are getting strained again. You might just want to STFU for a while and let him figure things out. You putting pressure on him is going to make him run. Patience.
Originally Posted By: Diana45
Not really sure if anyone is listening.
Yes, people are here listening Sometimes it just takes time to catch up and notice others threads when we get consumed in our own.
Originally Posted By: Diana45
If he wants me in his life like he says he does, why does he not make more of an effort? I know I should be happy that we are"together", that he tells me he loves me every day.
Honestly, I'm a bit confused. I see so many examples of the effort hes putting in over your last few posts but it doesn't seem to be enough. If hes distancing himself from you(even as hes going on bike rides and dates out to dinner?) maybe your pursuing him too much. I think its possible your expecting too much from him too fast, give him time. I wish my W told me she loves me again and made any type of effort to rebuild our M. Slow down Diana, take a deep breath.
Originally Posted By: Diana45
Last MC session he said he wanted our marriage to work and that we have a great bond, now he's not so sure anymore what he wants. I really need to learn to STFU.
Give him time and space, don't put so much pressure. You have some great things happening but I think you want too much too fast. I understand there is pain and resentment but you have to look past that and what you really want in the future. If you want your M to have a chance to be rebuilt you have to look at this like a marathon and not a sprint.
Patience, patience, patience
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks for stopping by. Yes, I have a hard time being patient. I know I have to back off and just let it be. We have a MC scheduled for this Thursday and I will bring up some of my insecurities. I do feel like I'm running out of time. Plan is that he is moving Sept. 1st. That's in less than 7 weeks. He just informed me that he is leaving Monday morning to stay with his best friend in the city he is moving to and not coming back until Thursday. Uggghh! Basically I will get one or two texts a day and if I'm lucky a phone call at night (after midnight) if he has time.
Sometimes I feel that I'm the only one that is working to save this marriage. Will I ever be a priority in his life? I need to give my head a shake and not let my emotions be so affected by what he says (or doesn't say) and what he does.
If he really leaves in September I will have no choice but to detach. It is a two hour drive that I can't afford to do too often and neither can he.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
My anxiety is through the roof today. Heart is pounding in my chest. I feel so hopeless about the future of my M. Neither one of us is really working on the issues that caused BD. Whenever I try to bring up things like that he gets defensive and upset. I don't yell and scream and I always choose my words carefully so as to not cause uneccesary hurt to him. I do get weepy eyed when he just won't listen. He rants and raves and usually walks away saying that he is not doing this. Nothing ever gets resolved. Sometimes I do think I would be better off without him. He was a kind and loving man when we first met. He would bend over backwards to do things for me. Two years into our relationship he lost his job. He became sullen and withdrawn. I was super supportive for him to start his own business and worked extra hours to not only cover all the bills, but also the start up costs of starting his business. He never appreciated that and in fact did very little to help around he house. Even now that he rents a room in a house he does very little. His room is always a mess, the garbage can is overflowing, dust covers everything. Yet he called me a horrible housekeeper because usually I was too tired and sick to do much around the house before BD. I see the selfish traits in him. Only wanting to think about himself and only do things that benefit him. I think his idea of a perfect marriage would be us living as room mates with benefits. He has his life and I have mine. I asked him last night what he thought a marriage was supposed to be like....he never answered me. I need to write some of these points down to discuss them with our MC on Thursday.
Today I'm angry with him for being selfish. Time to burn off some of that anger by cleaning out clutter from the basement.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
I moved some broken furniture from the basement and accidentally set off a fire extinguisher. All the cats went scrambling and I had a good laugh about it. H called and was telling me all about his plans for his business move. I validated the crap out if it and encouraged as much as I could. Now I'm a mess. Can't help crying. I feel as if this move is the end of us. He will move and start a new life without me. I'm so pissed at his friends for encouraging and helping him with this. Why couldn't any of them tell him to work on his marriage and his life here with me instead of running away??
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Time to wrap it up for the day. I just can't seem to keep myself motivated. Gathered up 3 bags of garbage and tossed a few more broken things into the trailer to take to the dump. Still hate he fact that I have to do the majority of his on my own. I did come across a few pictures of my dad. I miss him so much. I wish he was here. He's been gone now for 12 years. I think my life would have been so different for me and my kids had he not died. Had a good cry about that today too. Just a blubbering mess today!! I'm heading into town to see my best friend and then stopping by at my H's place. Plan is that tomorrow evening he comes over here and helps me clean out the basement some more. I hope the temperature drops a bit for tomorrow. It's sweltering hot today. And I don't have AC in my house.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Sorry about your dad, Diana. Crying is a good release at times and is healthy, no shame in it. No AC in our house either but its comfortable inside at about 80 degrees. A nice cool shower helps
Enjoy the time with your friend and remember to STFU at H's.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
We'll, that went actually pretty good. Had a great heart to heart talk with my best friend. She understands me wanting to get back together with my H and supports whatever decision I will make. Then had dinner with my H. We watched Phantome of the Opera Live 25 th Annivrsary edition in his room after. We held hands as we were laying on his bed watching. Yes we were intimate after as well. Then I went home and snuggled with my kitties and dog. I did get him to do the online quiz for the 5 LL. I thought his primary language was physical touch, but surprisingly it came back as Words of Affirmation. I will have to brush up on that and be more outspoken with him as far as encouragement and praise. Btw. My LL is Acts of Service and I told him that too.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
How do I DB when we are piecing, but H does not want to come home? He wants to start his new life in another town. He says he wants me to move there after I sell the house. He tells me he loves me and we spend quite a bit of time together. I feel like we are dating. I don't feel like his wife. That makes me sad. Sometimes I wonder if he is cake eating until he moves away. We both have slacked on counselling. We were supposed to have MC yesterday, but it got cancelled. He has not been to see his IC in over 2 months. He is not working on any of the issues that he contributed in the BD of our marriage. I do love him. He is bright and funny and caring (when he wants to be). He is also selfish. I'm not sure if he can ever truly live happily with someone. He can't grasp the concept that in a relationship, any relationship, you have to compromise. Sometimes (not all the time like I did) you have to put another persons needs before your own or at least consider another person before making decisions. If he can't ever change that, how can I ever live with him again? I've already raised my kids. I don't want to raise my husband. I want an equal partner that considers me and how things will affect me when he is making decisions. I'm confused!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Sometimes it just takes time to catch up and notice others threads when we get consumed in our own.