NH, I loved how you handled everything, and was also loving this new turn of events. Well done!
But then I got to this:
Originally Posted By: NH115
To make it even more strange, a couple of minutes later my W said that she was feeling the tension lift; that she was strangely relaxed. I wasn’t sure how to take that; I guess I hoped she’d be more upset. I can’t tell if she was relieved that I finally made a decision for her, or if some emotional dam was breaking. We had some of the best conversation we have had in a long time. She asked me if we could live with this relaxed state for a while. I'm not sure what she means by that.
My take on this is what she meant was "Oh good, NH's "expectations" pressure is off now; let's see if I can get him to go for 'limbo-on-steroids' here." Just keep repeating your "I just told her that I she started to feel that way to give me a call. If I’m in the right place in life at that time then we can talk. I’m open to R of course, but it’s got to be real. She has to decide she has room for me in her life." line. That was PERFECT.
You're entering a critical phase here. She's going to test you strongly now, I expect, to see if you are in "I'm really moving on" mode or if it's just some sort of tactic to get her back. This is where you need to watch closely for faux remorse, faux transparency, and trickle-truth. It's rare that a wayward will make a full, sincere remorseful stance when presented with what you just presented your wife. It's much more typical for them to first try to get you to go for something that's half-assed, and to try like hell to get their power equilibrium back.
NH, I loved how you handled everything, and was also loving this new turn of events. Well done!
But then I got to this:
Originally Posted By: NH115
To make it even more strange, a couple of minutes later my W said that she was feeling the tension lift; that she was strangely relaxed. I wasn’t sure how to take that; I guess I hoped she’d be more upset. I can’t tell if she was relieved that I finally made a decision for her, or if some emotional dam was breaking. We had some of the best conversation we have had in a long time. She asked me if we could live with this relaxed state for a while. I'm not sure what she means by that.
My take on this is what she meant was "Oh good, NH's "expectations" pressure is off now; let's see if I can get him to go for 'limbo-on-steroids' here." Just keep repeating your "I just told her that I she started to feel that way to give me a call. If I’m in the right place in life at that time then we can talk. I’m open to R of course, but it’s got to be real. She has to decide she has room for me in her life." line. That was PERFECT.
You're entering a critical phase here. She's going to test you strongly now, I expect, to see if you are in "I'm really moving on" mode or if it's just some sort of tactic to get her back. This is where you need to watch closely for faux remorse, faux transparency, and trickle-truth. It's rare that a wayward will make a full, sincere remorseful stance when presented with what you just presented your wife. It's much more typical for them to first try to get you to go for something that's half-assed, and to try like hell to get their power equilibrium back.
Starsky
Starsky, I actually thought of you while we were having that conversation.
I'm of the mind that I need to move out ASAP. We both need to experience life without each other. She needs the dose of reality that living without me brings, and I need some perspective, without both of us caught up in constant tension and drama. During our Tuesday night talk I think I truly let go of my expectations. Trying to force an outcome is what I've been trying to do this whole time, no matter how much I may have thought I was detaching. When I let her go for real, I could bodily feel the tension lift. It was an amazing experience.
I still want to R, but I'm now of the mind that whatever happens with our marriage is what's supposed to happen.
Any pointers on what that testing might look like?
Last edited by NH115; 07/09/1508:51 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
We're already doing the MC and she's starting IC later this month. She tells me regularly what's going on during the day. Sex would have to be it. Sex is the major missing ingredient in our relationship. Maybe not so much sex, but warmth...her initiating affection.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
It's happening. I mentioned in MC again that I was planning to move out. The C didn't actually ask me all that much about it, which I found curious.
At lunch afterwards I started discussing specifics. I'm going to find some place to live, probably a roommate situation. We'll shoot for three months; time for both of us to experience life without the other, have a chance for some serious self-reflection, and work on ourselves. Hopefully we'll get some perspective out of this experience. I anticipate at the end of three months, we'll both really miss each other or we'll realize that we're better apart.
We'll continue to go to MC and have a date night once a week, and some family things, but other than that we're going to have separate lives for a while. I'm actually looking forward to it.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
She tells me every day about our broken connection (and how many years we've been broken) her lack of sexual attraction, loneliness, etc. etc. She repeats the same tired self-pitying script every day. And when I suggest that's it's time for both of us to move on, so that we can both be happy and finally find partners that we can be happy with, she gets angry with me and tells me I'm giving up.
What in the hell does she want?
You know, all I want to do is kick my kids out of the nest successfully, make a lot of money, be in love with a good woman who loves me back, fly my a** off, have good friends, and travel. Good beer, good golf and good cigars would be nice too. I'm sick of all this BS. There's nothing I want to have in life that she would find objectionable. Why can't she just dump all this crap and come along for the ride?
Or if she just can't do it, let me go so I can get started on the rest of my life?
Am I asking too much?
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
She tells me every day about our broken connection (and how many years we've been broken) her lack of sexual attraction, loneliness, etc. etc. She repeats the same tired self-pitying script every day. And when I suggest that's it's time for both of us to move on, so that we can both be happy and finally find partners that we can be happy with, she gets angry with me and tells me I'm giving up.
What in the hell does she want?
Grasshoppah, I think the more important question is, "What do youwant?"
She tells me every day about our broken connection (and how many years we've been broken) her lack of sexual attraction, loneliness, etc. etc. She repeats the same tired self-pitying script every day. And when I suggest that's it's time for both of us to move on, so that we can both be happy and finally find partners that we can be happy with, she gets angry with me and tells me I'm giving up.
What in the hell does she want?
Grasshoppah, I think the more important question is, "What do youwant?"
Oh, I'm very clear on what I want. I just want her to s*** or get off the pot.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
