She said she's going to file and talk to an attorney next week. That I can keep whatever is left here and that she will go and get our truck appraised next week and trade it in. That there is nothing left to discuss. And that I know why she's not talking to me lately.
I am absolutely crushed. On the floor, balling my eyes out crushed. I just don't understand. She really is in it for the money... --------
This started because I saw she transferred money out of our accounts so I texted her and told her that I wont support her financially anymore because she's living with someone else and she's got a job. That I have a to draw a boundary of self-respect for me.
She texts back and basically says that I can either file and send her the paperwork or deduct the car payment from the amount the Army says i owe her every month.
I write her and tell her that I am not going to file because its not what I want but if she wants to that its her choice. That this is no longer about her finding herself, but that she is living with someone else and that I am not going to pay for that. That I am choosing to help her because she's my W and I love her. But I wont do it anymore because she's with someone else.
And she gets even more nasty and says that theres nothing left for us to talk about, that if i don't want to talk to a lawyer she will and that we can split it 50/50. That I can keep whatever is left here, and that she will get her car appraised next week. That I know why she's not talking to me (because talking to me supposedly brings her down).
I try calling her and no answer. So I text her and just say I'm sorry for everything, that i have tried to be what she needed me to be the last 10 months..that somehow even though she has called me every time she had an issue or was upset for the last 10months, I was always there for her, that I am still the bad guy somehow. That this isn't what I want. And maybe one day she can see that. -------
I am so crushed right now. She put her ring on 3 weeks ago...she told me 2 weeks ago how good of a person i was to her...i comforted her when she started this new job 2 weeks ago...but what happened the last 2 weeks? how did i get to be the bad guy again? Was she really just in it for the money? Her mom even told me that she wasn't 100% committed to this guy, that she knows he cant financially be stable and support her...that she debated on packing her bags and coming to Texas...
Ive tried so hard the past 10 months...done more than what I think the average person would do...but somehow Im still the bad guy...I was always there for her. Always. But now...im still the one that drags her down...
I knew she was going to throw a fit when I took away the $...that she will probably play the D card...but how does she get to be so cold...so mean...this is the same wife that would face time me or Skype a few months ago...what changed....im just a mess right now...i cant even....i think its really over.... =(
Last edited by TLEE86; 07/12/1501:02 AM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
W: "There's nothing that needs to be discussed. I don't think you're the bad guy, I don't hate you. I don't think you didnt try these past 10months or do everything you thought you could. I Just reached my point a long time ago. I decided I wasn't going to be hurt by you last summer and unfortunately you tried to change that but it couldn't be changed."
Me (Paraphrased): " Through everything W, if there one thing you can take away from this is that I loved you and love you...that I'll always be there for you married or divorced..that i just have a hard time understanding what happened because the day I left for Ranger School, these aren't the emotions we and for each other..quite the opposite.."
W: "It's not that I decided THIS when you left, its that I was too hurt to go on anymore and unfortunately the pain won."
Me: "I will never understand the pain or emotions you felt when I was gone, as hard as I have tried. Pain is present in every marriage. Its what we choose to do with that pain that makes marriage last or fail. I am hurt too W, more than I have ever been. But I am choosing to fight for our M because I still believe in it. That you could be doing whatever you're doing and I still believe we can work through it because I love you. You're right, I wasn't there to take away your pain and loneliness, when I was gone. And I'll never forgive myself for not being there." --------
I probably did and said all the wrong things. But I cant change that now. She still thinks every thing is because she felt wronged and that there's too much to overcome. When in reality, what really happened was..she felt lonely, she got angry because of things said and done to her in the past, and someone else was there when I wasn't.
While we were texting, she decides to post a picture of her in a bikini or something smiling. She doesnt give a [censored]. She just doesnt [censored] care. There's nothing left for me to say. Im utterly and completely broken. And I have no where left to turn.
I was alone when when she dropped the bomb on me initially, and I'm alone now that were getting a D. I guess this is just life.
Last edited by TLEE86; 07/12/1502:06 AM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
I can see the isolation and lack of support IRL and to me it's extremely unnerving. Sadly these destructive sitches are isolating and some WS use this effectively as a tool for managing the sweet cycle. I also understand how hard it is to break free from this, everything within you wants WW back in your life whatever the cost. You are likely trauma bonded in a big way to WW, more difficult for you because you are in the army.
I can see how horrid it is that WW is using you for Fin resources and even harder that you know this. That you can see it, this is being a target. This a point of unknowing, you can not now unknow this, at future times you will need access to this low point to keep you strong. I would love you to post your list of the fin abuse you see for future reference or at least have it for access to.
I am concerned that your messages may cause WW to start the sweet cycle again. Be nice, kind etc to get you emotionally involved.
Please know this, I can say with absolute certainty that you did not cause this, you can't control it and can't cure it.
-----------------------------------------
I sincerely hope that you won't listen to messages to grow b@lls, act like xyz tough guy to attract your WW back. Stand up to her etc. I truly want you to have peace and be strong enough to go NC, to create distance for yourself. To heal, and to rest awhile.
Know that in this position your WW has the knowledge that you want to be with her. Nothing in the messages she sent to you or you to her is unknown to WW. I think it's a good thing that you sent the messages as now WW reactions to you are clear, you have these in writing, keep a printed copy for future use.
TLee my concern is for you, the gentle, kind, generous and loving man that I read in these posts. A man with great sadness and pain, I know how that is, I have walked that path. To know the one you are with is mainly concerned with extracting resources and if they need to will do so again.
I would like to give you the biggest hug, and let you cry it away for a while whilst protecting yourself. TLee now is the time to get L full on. Is there someone that you trust that you can talk about the practicalities. Please get good legal advice and keep posting. I will check in on you every couple of hours.
At this point consider extreme self care. Know that I say this from deep in my heart, this is not because you did not love WW enough over the last few months, nor that you kept it to yourself. I truly believe that WW is the issue here and in no way at all did you fall short in your R with WW. Everything I read is just normal day to day stuff. If WW had been so unhappy then she could have been a WAW and been sad but sorry. Gentle and generous, this isn't WW, she is a wayward from the playbook. WW is wayward and living with an OM because she wants to but she also wants TLee resources too, this is unreasonable at best and manipulative at worst.. TLee protect yourself in every way you can, every way possible.
((((((((Hugs))))))))))
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/12/1507:59 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Tlee, I'm sorry for all of this. I agree with V that it would be a good idea to have a consult with a L now and understand your rights going forward. Your W isn't at a point that she wants to return to the R just now. That could change at some point in the future - time will tell. And the fact that she is mentioning D doesn't necessarily mean it is all over. Many sitches here reach that stage and then turn.
You are not powerless here, and there are things you can do to influence your sitch. My biggest concern for you right now is your own wellbeing, support network and your degree of attachment to your W. Apart from getting yourself some legal advice, I think you should have a think about how you can better look after yourself, build a better support network and stop linking your own future happiness to what your W is doing.
I think that is the best way to pull yourself up out of the hole. If you remain as attached to your W and your hope of R, I worry that you will get pulled under again. Have you had a really good look at the 37 rules again? You know that you may have done and said things that weren't DBing. What do you think they are and how can you avoid doing them again? Next time your W gets in touch, maybe post here and get some advice before you reply. And remember that above all, DBing is an approach to save yourself - and you may just save your M in the process - but saving your M is secondary to saving yourself.
TBH, I still think your W is conflicted. She is posting pics of her in a bikini, but she's with someone else, but he can't really support her and she was thinking of leaving....truly she isn't in a great place. But you really need to detach from this. What she is doing needn't be your life. I'm keen to see who 'single Tlee' can be. What does he enjoy doing? Who are his friends? What makes him laugh, brings him joy? Who does he confide in? Share his troubles with? These are the things to look at just now. All are independent of W and all are about you. I'm not saying you will be single for ever, but you are just now, and may be for a little while yet. And if you can find joy, meaning and peace in your life now - despite present challenges - you will be in a better place for moving forward whichever way.
Probably you need to grieve some first. Not because things are over, but because things are sad and tough just now. But please then post about how you are going to move forward to a better place from this. We are all here and will help you - you are not alone my friend. xx
Last edited by Toots; 07/12/1508:47 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I can't post much right now. I am thinking of you. Wish I could go R you a call or something.
I see manipulation.
You won't support her? She's going to kick you in the balls again.
As my ex is telling everyone how upset he is...he is doing the equivalent of bikini pics. Some people live their whole lives with no center, no strong mind, a mirror of whatever is sitting in front of them, reflecting the hopes and expectations they see there. You and I loved our spouses dearly when that love was reflected back. And they are wayward. Bored and confused littke mirrors off to go find the next great thing that still won't fill the holes.
She is the enemy now. Be a diplomat, and fight for you first. No more for her. You are too good for this.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
No V- I don't think she will start the sweet cycle again. Instead I feel like she's digging in her heels even more where she is at now. This morning she posted a video of OM's son. I couldn't help but notice our bed in the background- with no sheets on it. She used to have sheets on it, and I cant help but think that she's just moved to OM's room and there staying in the same bed every night now too. I just....cant even fathom this. I blocked her from FB...but Idk if I'm strong enough to keep it that way...she just...doesnt seem to care anymore. At all. She's made her choice.
Toots- Maybe she's still conflicted, I don't know, doesnt seem like it. Last night she posted "Can I move back to Alaska now?" after our texts...always strange to me why she keeps wanting to go back to Alaska when thats where our memories are. But as I said to V. I think she's digging in there now. Whats worse is her family doesnt seem to care, its more of...ok she's just going to do whatever she wants to do..Thres no stepping in, no..HEY THIS IS WRONG...its just...hands off..I don't know how to move forward. Its so easy for WW to just walk away...Im left in a house of memories and all of our things. I know all of you are in the same boat. Sure I could redo the whole house...but do I really want to spend that money. I don't know. Im just..i don't know...
Z- thank you for posting. I know your sitch is incredibly painful right now as well. Unfortunately I think i will be in that same boat very soon. As Ive written so many times now...its just unthinkable to me how they can be one way, and then the next second it just shuts off. I just cant do it...and I'm left to pick up the pieces all over again. But how can you be whole when she's got the missing piece.
--------
Didnt sleep until almost 5am last night. I just couldn't. Im so crushed right now and I don't know how to not be. I just want to crawl into a hole and be alone. I guess I already am. How can they so easily just..move on...did our M mean nothing to her? I was gone for 3 months...and before those 3 months, we were pretty happy. She gave no indication that she was going to leave. I just...cant believe this. The coldness, the meanness, the...i don't give a [censored] or care attitude. Alot of you have been following my sitch for a while..my W was one of few who I remember specifically writing that she didnt act this way. She wasn't mean, she was actually extremely friendly...who face times there H that they left? But its all over now. Idk what to do anymore.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
As much as you can please relax and if you need to cry it out do so.
I wish I could help take the pain away but sadly I can't. Truly this is the worst it will ever be. You are going to move on with your life slowly whilst it does not feel like that at the moment, it will happen. Post often to us we are here reading and sending you all of the strength across the miles.
((((((Hugs)))))))
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/12/1505:53 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hey V- thanks so much for checking in on me. I feel very...I don't know right now. I still keep my ring on, havent taken it off since this whole thing started. I guess...I still feel attached to it? That until we are divorced, its still...mine?
It [censored] now though..because I find myself checking our phone logs to see if she's contacted a divorce lawyer yet. And I wonder if tomorrow will be the day. Its a horrible feeling...And of course theres a small part, well, pretty big part of me that wonders and hopes that maybe she wont call a lawyer. Maybe she was just angry when I said no more to the finances but wont really file right now. Probably false hope...
I did join a dating website..not sure if thats the right move but honestly I'm so tired of feeling alone. Im not looking for anything serious but something to dull the pain...I don't know. Im trying to throw myself into work to give me a distraction but its hard when work was all I ever did before and look where it brought me. and on this dating website I find that even if a girl is pretty, all I do is compare her to my wife. Like oh you don't look like W, you don't talk like W...idk..im just not ready i guess. I feel blue. Gonna try and go run and maybe get some feel good hormones pumping into my veins. though it is 99degrees at 8pm right now. THUMBS DOWN. =/
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
