I saw your post about your ring. You do what you want to do about it for YOU. I'm still wearing mine - I believe any reason to take it off would just be to see if I could get a response from W. But you make your own choice!
Yeah, I kinda feel like until I want to remove it for the sake of removing it, I'll keep it on. If I removed now it would be a tit for tat thing or to get a reaction.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
I can read through my eight previous threads and I shudder at some of the stuff from the start. I can see things that happened to me and my reactions and how I would deal with it now in a totally opposite way.
Your brain is fried, you're tired, you're confused, you're angry, you want the pain to go away. Keep calm. It will get worse before it gets better! It will, whatever the outcome is.
Yeah, I can see that I will be the same way. Heck, I already hate that I said something last night. Ugh, I already feel like it has gotten worse and then better, then worse again then better. I hate that. Just stay the same so I can adjust & not falter so much on my stance!!
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
I can read through my eight previous threads and I shudder at some of the stuff from the start. I can see things that happened to me and my reactions and how I would deal with it now in a totally opposite way.
Your brain is fried, you're tired, you're confused, you're angry, you want the pain to go away. Keep calm. It will get worse before it gets better! It will, whatever the outcome is.
Yeah, I can see that I will be the same way. Heck, I already hate that I said something last night. Ugh, I already feel like it has gotten worse and then better, then worse again then better. I hate that. Just stay the same so I can adjust & not falter so much on my stance!!
The only way to learn is to make mistakes. Just don't do the same thing twice!
The only way to learn is to make mistakes. Just don't do the same thing twice!
Ha! Yeah. Good point.
Originally Posted By: Huddy
Yeah, Matt has nailed it. Just don't beg or plead or act needy.
I've stopped that... after it not working for days 1-4, I gave it up. Now we are almost to week 5 & mostly my mistakes are just not resisting saying something when I am feeling fired up about something. Like when he took off his ring & when he was purposefully hiding his messaging right next to me (& I ignored it for a good while, only said something b/c I felt guilty for acting out in response).
I just really feel like he will continue on at this pace until something changes. I just cannot quite figure out what I need to make that change be. As someone who spent a good portion of our relationship withdrawn, I really want my response to be something other than withdrawing into my own activities (I would go to book club, classes, etc... anything to have some fun as a way to withdraw from my critical husband). I have tried to start doing more with the kids in the evenings & having the attitude of- he can join us or not... but there is only so much we can do & so far he has joined in on everything! I stay at home so I am able to pursue my own interests at my leisure during the day (started some yoga, meditating, playing music, etc) & I am also back in school so I have school work.
So how do you GAL without withdrawing? If I leave the house & do things on my own in the evenings w/o the kids, then he will have the attitude of - "see, she hasn't changed. I knew she couldn't stick with it." as well as, "glad I get to spend alone time with the kids w/o her here reminding me how much I dislike her."
Suggestions?
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Quick question: so detachment is all about equanimity?
Hmmm.... good question. I am still trying to figure out this detachment thing (clearly!). I think that is a part of it... that you get to that by realizing that you cannot control them & their actions are just that- theirs. There is a whole lot more to it than that though.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Quick question: so detachment is all about equanimity?
Hmmm.... good question. I am still trying to figure out this detachment thing (clearly!). I think that is a part of it... that you get to that by realizing that you cannot control them & their actions are just that- theirs. There is a whole lot more to it than that though.
**puts away dictionary**
I think....kind of.
You're allowed to FEEL. You get a promotion, celebrate! Your dog dies, grieve! That's all ok. What you want to avoid: my S is grumpy, so IM grumpy. My spouse called me so I'm happy.
Let your emotions be driven by you. Not by your interactions with your spouse.
The only way to learn is to make mistakes. Just don't do the same thing twice!
Ha! Yeah. Good point.
Originally Posted By: Huddy
Yeah, Matt has nailed it. Just don't beg or plead or act needy.
I've stopped that... after it not working for days 1-4, I gave it up. Now we are almost to week 5 & mostly my mistakes are just not resisting saying something when I am feeling fired up about something. Like when he took off his ring & when he was purposefully hiding his messaging right next to me (& I ignored it for a good while, only said something b/c I felt guilty for acting out in response).
I just really feel like he will continue on at this pace until something changes. I just cannot quite figure out what I need to make that change be. As someone who spent a good portion of our relationship withdrawn, I really want my response to be something other than withdrawing into my own activities (I would go to book club, classes, etc... anything to have some fun as a way to withdraw from my critical husband). I have tried to start doing more with the kids in the evenings & having the attitude of- he can join us or not... but there is only so much we can do & so far he has joined in on everything! I stay at home so I am able to pursue my own interests at my leisure during the day (started some yoga, meditating, playing music, etc) & I am also back in school so I have school work.
So how do you GAL without withdrawing? If I leave the house & do things on my own in the evenings w/o the kids, then he will have the attitude of - "see, she hasn't changed. I knew she couldn't stick with it." as well as, "glad I get to spend alone time with the kids w/o her here reminding me how much I dislike her."
Suggestions?
Try not to measure your change by days, but rather in weeks. It feels like you're considering a scattershot approach without giving each thing a chance to "take effect". I recommend that whatever you do decide to do, to slow down and see if it is actually having an impact.
