Back from vacation, 9 days. Read your posts and believe you to be correct some answers to your questions are as follows:
1. I wanted to know the difference between MLC and an affair because I read somewhere that if it is an affair it usually means a final exit from the marriage and with MLC its a toss up and they may come back.
2. I guess I haven't decided if OW would be a deal breaker. Maybe.
I guess that means for now no snooping. I really don't snoop anyway I am curious about what he does with all his time but I also know that it is not my business.
I have asked him about amounts of cash that I see him withdraw from our joint account. I don't know the db rule on this but he does get mad because he thinks I am checking up on him. I really don't care where he spends it but we are running two households and money is tight. What if he is hiding cash? Of course when I ask him I don't expect him to say that I guess I am just trying to let him know I don't have my blinders on to the money part. Thoughts on this or how to better handle?
Did the cash withdrawals just start happening or has he always taken cash out. My H is doing this too and there is PA. He never withdrew cash before. If you have not already done so, I would take steps to protect finances.
BW
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
25years: you called it yes I was mind reading before vacation. I did some back stepping before I left.
I had a chance to refocus while gone and not having to deal with him and my S and I had a great vacation to the extent I didn't want to come back and deal with H and his stuff.
I got into town and by the way we only received two text from H while on vacation saying he hoped we had a nice vacation. When I got back I got a nasty little text saying I was doing a "bang up job of it and it was so nice of me to call him and let him know we were home" (even though he knew we would be back on Sunday. I sent text back saying he was doing a great job too and that he could pick up his phone and call us to see if we were back.
He also raked me over the coals because I did not have S call him. (I didn't because I assumed he would text or call S via cell phone to my cell phone and talk to him since he was the parent). Plus when we are at home we can go 2-3 days without hearing from him.
I felt very angry that he thought it should all fall on me to do all of the communicating.
25years I had a lot of time to think and I can say that I was a lot lighter and happier without H. I feel sorry that we can't make this work for now but you are right about living my life which I do well when I don't have to deal with him so I just have to find a way to do that with us living in the same town.
He always withdrew some here and there and I never paid attention. so I don't know if it is because I am paying attention now or if there is more going on now.
I would see a lawyer to get some information about how you can protect finances in the event things go sour.
I would not read too much into your hs' texts b/c I think he was jealous that you got to have fun without him.
He may believe that even though eh wants you to be "happy", he really wants you to pine away for him, waiting and waiting and NOT having independent fun without him AND with son!!!
Let that roll off your back; of course it bothers him that he didn't get to control everything b/c he is pretty much in control of what happens to the family and marriage.
The cash withdrawals make it easier to hide a PA and any other purchases he'll make.
You also ought to take out some cash for yourself in case he goes totally bonkers.
Don't spend it, put it somewhere safe and consult a lawyer for some information which you do Not need to act on, but knowledge is power.
You need do nothing with that information, but having it is empowering.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25years I have and I am going to set aside some $.
I think you are correct about the jealous because we had so much fun and guess what, we are going back again maybe two more times. Its refreshing to be away from H. He is a dark cloud looming over my head when he is around and I want to be out from beneath it.
I am getting more independent and stronger every day and as you can tell I come here but not as often as I am getting to a good place in my life without H. I want him to figure this out for himself and I don't want him around if he is going to be all depressed and gloom and doom it brought me down and being away for 9 days really showed me that.
Thank you so much for your great advise as always.
Just an update there has been no change in his attitude. He is still very depressed acting like someone sucked the fun out of him and he used to be the most fun guy ever. He doesn't joke, laugh anything it just so weird.
I am doing good. I have finally gotten the hang of GAL and I also only think about H maybe once a day or twice if I have to see him. You may think geez that's a lot but compared to where I was it is not. I used to think about it 24/7 and try to find ways or whys of what I could do to fix it or what he is thinking . Now I don't care.
Just for all those out there who are where I was and I didn't think I would ever ever stop thinking about H all the time, you will stop.
You sound like the work in progress that you want to be, and that's great.
Keep on keeping on, know that you will have some bad times and backslides, but you CAN manage this.
And just so I'm clear, you have spoken to a L? I hope so.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have. I know this is divorce busting but I also realized that I am not going to wait forever.
I have gotten out and I have met a few people one that in particular that is a friend for now. I am getting stronger and more independent every day. I know now that I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness as I would do for H. I have learned some things along the way mainly that people can be independent and married at the same time but you also need to do things together which H didn't and doesn't want to do.
There has been no change really in our R and no I don't ask. Some days it seems a tiny better and then H will go 3-5 days and no contact. I am still trying to hang in there but I am not obsessing about it anymore. I am having some fun.
25years I have been monitoring H for almost 90 days now and there has been no change sometimes it is worse and I get no responses from him even about our S.
I am trying to hang in there but and I guess I have nothing to lose since he is already gone and a D would just make it permanent.
At least I have accepted it and I am not living in limbo anymore like I was even a couple of months ago. Its like it is just sitting out there and I forget about it and then H shows up and I am like oh yeah there this still here.
