You are so right that patience is so important. But it is so hard to be patient when it is a roller coaster & you get some signs that things might be going in a positive direction. Then things go down hill & you feel like you are starting all over again!
What made you decide to take your ring off? My H took his off about a week ago. That was a hard one to deal with for me.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Yeah, my thoughts exactly, however, W showed me her copy of the letter and the L is pushing my W to carry on, wanting a 'note of agreement'. As W is on legal aid, the L makes even more money by sending letters out. So far, that's 15 letters at £120 each (x2 as they send copies to W as well) making a grand total of £3600.
Making things worse? So far. Let's see what happens after two weeks with the SIL.
Your wife's L will ignore you as it wasn't you that instructed them. If you W wants this to stop is has to be her that does this. Why don't you type up the letter, but using your W's name and if she still wants to send it you can hand it to her for her to sign. You can even post it.
Strange, my WW wanted me to contact companies to change things around. I had to reminder her that I wasn't their client so can't do anything. Nothing to do with L's though.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I took my ring off to try and show distance. W had taken hers off and she was threatening to take the kids away, so I was really making a point and anger to boot. After so many years, the imprint is welded into my finger. It may have been a mistake on my part (somebody said to me that by removing the ring you were saying the M was no longer viable - don't know?) but I think that M is dead, if W comes out of the fog for real, I think I'd like to re-do vows with a new ring.
Yes, I can see hope, but it seems sketchy so far. That's when your patience gets stretched to breaking point. My tip; STFU and let it pass. That takes months to learn that one, but as the LBS, you have to remember the 0/50 rule - see sandi2's tips.
Hi NDY
Yes, expect L to ignore me. Bizarre as it seems, W said to me 'she won't stop sending the letters until you just write to acknowledge' - what? Your client says stop and you continue. I have pointed this out, but W seemed to think, despite me telling her weeks ago, that I still had an L engaged. Once I told her I didn't retain the L her mood changed instantly.
That fog seems to stop thought processes and hearing and rationality.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I took my ring off to try and show distance. W had taken hers off and she was threatening to take the kids away, so I was really making a point and anger to boot. After so many years, the imprint is welded into my finger. It may have been a mistake on my part (somebody said to me that by removing the ring you were saying the M was no longer viable - don't know?) but I think that M is dead, if W comes out of the fog for real, I think I'd like to re-do vows with a new ring.
Yes, I can see hope, but it seems sketchy so far. That's when your patience gets stretched to breaking point. My tip; STFU and let it pass. That takes months to learn that one, but as the LBS, you have to remember the 0/50 rule - see sandi2's tips.
That makes sense. I have thought of taking mine off because of where we are at but then I wonder if I'd just be trying to get a reaction out of him. So at this point, I've kept mine on. I just might get to the point where i no longer want to wear it & not just to prove a point. We shall see.
Yes, definitely trying to remember the 0/50 rule. When my H put his arm around me in the bed and then held my hand, I was thinking, "please let this be a good sign, please let this mean we are on our way up. But wait... how much of behavior am I suppose to believe?!" I already had been trying to focus on not believing much of anything he said (sometimes easier than others) but the behavior part throws me. Now I've thought of telling him not to touch me unless he is wanting to work on the marriage. He is definitely playing with my emotions.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
I'm not an expert here or anything but if your H is having an affair I'd put a stop to any intimacy. Just my view on it.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
He's still wanting intimacy, as well as wanting away? NO - NO - NO. That's cake eating. You'll see it all over the forum. That has to stop until he wants to put you and R first. If their is OW involved, what kind of things is he bringing home?
Me and W were in separate beds by day 4 (her choice), and there is no OM (afaik)in my situation. That's harder than a ring. Intimacy means more.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Had to contact W's phone to say goodnight to the kids. Both me and SD spoke briefly. W then asked SD to put me back on the phone as she then proceeded to rant at me about the letter she asked me to send to L. I knew it was a mistake to call her, but I have no other way of talking to kids.
No idea where this spewfest come from. Just listened to her rant (I'd had a big gulp on STFU smoothies) and when W had finished her rant, I just finished with a 'have you finished?' to which W replied 'bye' and I hung up.
Hmmm....so, has being at 'the commend bunker' already got her to start changing her mind back to three weeks ago?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Re read your response to your W. Think about it if that was you getting that response. Think about how you would feel. Is that being antagonising or what? Is that a 180? She's at command central and she comes off the phone feeling justified that leaving you is the right thing? Come on mate. Doing what works?
From now on id advise that any and all communications are positive. I'm not saying roll over. Far from it it just mean have your DB hat on then speaking to her. Easier said than done I know but think about the goal.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I am confused...trying to swim through fake heavy syrup trying to figure out what letter is being talked about here? What was the letter for and for what purpose?
I have been positive throughout. Listening to a two minute spewfest seemed like she was behaving like a teenager. When my SD was a teenager, and was being a pain, when she'd finished her rants, I use to say 'have you finished', which would take the heat out of the situation and finish the tantrum. Wrong tactic?
Hi Wonka
Before W left, I received another L letter, despite what W had said about stopping the L etc. W asked me to reply to the L as the L wouldn't stop the letters without me replying. I protested that the L wasn't mine, so I shouldn't be the one to ask them to stop. W said she'd sent it 'off her own back'. I sent a letter outlining that my W had asked her to stop etc. W's rant was to tell me that she hadn't said that to me, blah!
W can't remember what she has said or done, where I can. It says in the book that if you keep entertaining the behaviour, it'll continue. I just wasn't going to be verbally abused down the phone, so just put the phone down whilst she was ranting and then asked if she'd finished at the end of the call.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
