Huge Backslide After Affair Recovery

[hopeOK]

Ugh. Failed. I said- "today I left because I was feeling frustrated by you being on your phone & hiding it, like you were talking to her."

He then basically said- "you aren't worried I was talking about you to someone else? You're not worried I was talking to someone from a long time ago?" I said no to both of these & he said "I can say I have not talked to OW today." I said "so are you playin games? What about last night when you were putting your hand on me in the bed?" He said, "I was sleeping."

Ugh. He is playing games. I am so feeling like I am done. I cannot handle him giving me hope like last night & then dashing the hopes today. So what do I do!? I totally shouldn't have said anything. I am so bad at this. I hate this.

[hopeOK]

Ok. Ok. Refocusing on his choices not affecting me. Absorbing myself in the kids. Not letting him manipulate me in this way. I hate how it seems like he is just evil... Someone I don't even know! I know he is still hurt & is trying to hurt me back but how can he keep at it this long!? After he had an affair I think I was crazy mad for about 2-3 days. Then I came down and started to change what I needed to change in myself. Now that he is the one who is hurt and not feeling like he can trust me, he has to hold on to it forever! It's been 4.5 weeks!

Sometimes it seems like he forgets he is so mad & he lets it all go for a bit. But then bam- he remembers it all and he is back to being a jerk. And he was so mad at me for thinking he was talking to the OW tonight. Why!? He is the one making it seem like he has something going on.!!

[hopeOK]

So now it feels like we are playing a game since I did that. I kinda feel like just saying- hey, I left earlier because I needed to get out of the house. I feel like you are secretive on your phone, doing something I am not suppose to see and that sets me on edge. How can you treat me one way at night and then seem like you are involved with someone else during the day.

But that would be totally breaking the rules, no? I would be pursuing, right?

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Relax.

You're allowed to get out of the house, right? There's no reason to play tit for tat. No reason to be retaliating or punishing. But you don't need to be around if/when he's texting with OW.

Just try to relax. Friendly neighbor, remember?

I wish I would have read this before I said something.

[hopeOK]

I feel like I am constantly starting over with this roller coaster ride. So today, I start once again trying to detach and focus on myself, the kids, and the positives in my life. Also need to focus on not letting his choices affect me emotionally. He is playing a game and I do not have to participate.

[Matt777]

Hope -

Remember that detachment and change and everything is a process. It's hard to not think that every day should be better than the day before. But that's just not how it works. There's stops and starts and jumps and slides and everything in between. Just keep picking yourself back up and keep on going.

You can do it.

[hopeOK]

Hope -

Remember that detachment and change and everything is a process. It's hard to not think that every day should be better than the day before. But that's just not how it works. There's stops and starts and jumps and slides and everything in between. Just keep picking yourself back up and keep on going.

You can do it.

Thanks so much for this. I know you are right... it just feels like you fail when you lose your focus & fall off.

[Huddy]

Hi Hope

The WAS will replay all your conversations since BD as if it's your fault. You will try and argue, fight your corner, correct mis-quotes etc., it'll all be to no avail, you can't win. Best to have a STFU smoothie and stand back. Yup, easier said than done.

My W has done all these things. It hurts how things get remembered, but as long as you know you're right, or can actually remember what you said, you'll be OK.

Don't stress about rings etc. It's just part of the process of being on the roller coaster from hell. Right now, you're still going down, time to think about what YOU'RE going to do when you get back to the top!

[hopeOK]

Hi Hope

The WAS will replay all your conversations since BD as if it's your fault. You will try and argue, fight your corner, correct mis-quotes etc., it'll all be to no avail, you can't win. Best to have a STFU smoothie and stand back. Yup, easier said than done.

My W has done all these things. It hurts how things get remembered, but as long as you know you're right, or can actually remember what you said, you'll be OK.

Don't stress about rings etc. It's just part of the process of being on the roller coaster from hell. Right now, you're still going down, time to think about what YOU'RE going to do when you get back to the top!

You are so right! He is replaying all the negatives and none of the positives. I want to set the record straight but have realized it doesn't matter as long as he has his mind made up to believe things are one way.

I need to work more on those smoothies! I tend to do pretty good until he does something. When will I see that he is doing these things to get a reaction out of me & to punish me? Best to ignore these attempts so he doesn't have the satisfaction. Yes, easier said than done.

Good question. What am I going to do when things come up for good? I don't even know what that will look like so it is hard to say.

[Matt777]

I saw your post about your ring. You do what you want to do about it for YOU. I'm still wearing mine - I believe any reason to take it off would just be to see if I could get a response from W. But you make your own choice!

[Huddy]

I can read through my eight previous threads and I shudder at some of the stuff from the start. I can see things that happened to me and my reactions and how I would deal with it now in a totally opposite way.

Your brain is fried, you're tired, you're confused, you're angry, you want the pain to go away. Keep calm. It will get worse before it gets better! It will, whatever the outcome is.