Huge Backslide After Affair Recovery

[Matt777]

This is all I would leave if I was just going to validate-

"I see what you are saying & I can see how that would be a difficult thing to figure out."

Should I not add something else to that? Maybe, "What can I do to help you feel better?"

I wouldn't put the responsibility on him. I would say something like:

I understand your concerns, and I can see how my actions may have hurt you. I am working to understand what may have caused that response so that it does not happen again.


But I'm TERRIBLE at this kind of thing.

[hopeOK]

This is all I would leave if I was just going to validate-

"I see what you are saying & I can see how that would be a difficult thing to figure out."

Should I not add something else to that? Maybe, "What can I do to help you feel better?"

I wouldn't put the responsibility on him. I would say something like:

I understand your concerns, and I can see how my actions may have hurt you. I am working to understand what may have caused that response so that it does not happen again.


But I'm TERRIBLE at this kind of thing.

I'm not so good either. I do appreciate your help though!

I seem to always go back to giving reasons (which are seen negatively). And always write too much!

[hopeOK]

Pretty much same old same old. He is being kind & interacting with me around the kids. It sure seems like he was showing more interest when I was being cold & short with him, delaying responses a long time on text & having the kids answer my phone. (I was mad from his ugly text.) but I worked through that & decided to not be cold & he is back to being distant. It's not healthy to keep the cold attitude going but man it is tempting since it got his attention.

Yesterday I had individual counseling where she did thought field therapy... It is suppose to remove the emotional component to whatever is consuming you. So I have 2 things mostly... Fear/sadness about a possible divorce & also fear he is back with or will get back with OW. We did the therapy (which is related to acupuncture but uses taping instead of needles) on sadness related to a potential divorce. I started out thinking about it & tears filling my eyes. Then after doing the series about 5 times I couldn't make myself cry over it... None of my trigger thoughts did anything. It is a curious thing. Still the same today. Of course I am concerned about it & don't want it to happen... But I am not overwhelmed with the sadness I was when thinking about it before.

[hopeOK]

He came over to my side of the bed last night & put his arm around me. Then a minute later he said he'd woken up to snuggling with me. I said -"you must have been sleep snuggling." Then there was a bit of a pause & I said, "do you want to take it back?" And he said no. So then we held hands until he moved later after we'd both fallen asleep.

Progress? Maybe. Trying to not get hopeful... I've had that dashed may times before.

[Matt777]

Pretty much same old same old. He is being kind & interacting with me around the kids. It sure seems like he was showing more interest when I was being cold & short with him, delaying responses a long time on text & having the kids answer my phone. (I was mad from his ugly text.) but I worked through that & decided to not be cold & he is back to being distant. It's not healthy to keep the cold attitude going but man it is tempting since it got his attention.

Sounds like pursuer/distancer 101. But, don't go "cold". Keep PMA, keep positive interactions. Just stop pursuing. Easy, right?

Yesterday I had individual counseling where she did thought field therapy... It is suppose to remove the emotional component to whatever is consuming you. So I have 2 things mostly... Fear/sadness about a possible divorce & also fear he is back with or will get back with OW. We did the therapy (which is related to acupuncture but uses taping instead of needles) on sadness related to a potential divorce. I started out thinking about it & tears filling my eyes. Then after doing the series about 5 times I couldn't make myself cry over it... None of my trigger thoughts did anything. It is a curious thing. Still the same today. Of course I am concerned about it & don't want it to happen... But I am not overwhelmed with the sadness I was when thinking about it before.

Sounds interesting hopefully it *sticks*.
Once those emotions lose their hold on you, you can move to a very powerful place.

[Matt777]

He came over to my side of the bed last night & put his arm around me. Then a minute later he said he'd woken up to snuggling with me. I said -"you must have been sleep snuggling." Then there was a bit of a pause & I said, "do you want to take it back?" And he said no. So then we held hands until he moved later after we'd both fallen asleep.

Progress? Maybe. Trying to not get hopeful... I've had that dashed may times before.

Who know. Keep acting AS IF. Don't ask if he intends to treat you nicely. Just act like he did and it will become natural.

[hopeOK]

Ugh. Just like I expected. We have been having a pleasant day, nice interactions... Him starting more of them than me... But then while watching a movie for a class I am in, I see him typing & then he is angling his phone in a way that I cannot see. When all the other times he was on fb he was keeping it out where it wasn't hidden. Then later I hear his phone vibrate & he doesn't look at it. When he goes out of the room, I look at the screen & it says "content hidden" on the message that came in (& he changed all his passwords after he got so mad at me).

My impulse is to say- are you talking to her. Just straight out. But then my brain tells me that it wouldn't be wise when I have no negotiating power... I have to get him totally willing to commit to a relationship first. And I could lose whatever headway we ha last night.... If that is what it was.

Man, this is so discouraging and makes me want do something back at him.

[hopeOK]

So I decided to just get ready & then say I was going out to run errands. He totally clued in to something going on... But not sure if he thought I was going to go meet someone (he has thought I have had an affair in the past) or if he knew I was leaving b/c I was bothered. So I came back & acted as if everything was fine. But I feel a little bit of distance there. Not sure if I should regret doing that or not ... If he was talking to her I do not. But if he wasn't, what If I messed it up.

Well seems like I have not detached! 😁

[hopeOK]

So now it feels like we are playing a game since I did that. I kinda feel like just saying- hey, I left earlier because I needed to get out of the house. I feel like you are secretive on your phone, doing something I am not suppose to see and that sets me on edge. How can you treat me one way at night and then seem like you are involved with someone else during the day.

But that would be totally breaking the rules, no? I would be pursuing, right?

[Matt777]

So now it feels like we are playing a game since I did that. I kinda feel like just saying- hey, I left earlier because I needed to get out of the house. I feel like you are secretive on your phone, doing something I am not suppose to see and that sets me on edge. How can you treat me one way at night and then seem like you are involved with someone else during the day.

But that would be totally breaking the rules, no? I would be pursuing, right?

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Relax.

You're allowed to get out of the house, right? There's no reason to play tit for tat. No reason to be retaliating or punishing. But you don't need to be around if/when he's texting with OW.

Just try to relax. Friendly neighbor, remember?