V--YOU WERE SO RIGHT! I wish I listened more clearly to your warnings. I had no idea what I was dealing with.
Since my last post things I think I finally hit that rock bottom. I have had a terrifying past few days, but I feel right now that I have finally stopped the free-fall. I have crashed, and I am broken, but not destroyed. I haven't been able to post because I didn't have my computer charger with me, and because I am so shaken by the recent events that I needed some time to digest.
I'm ready to start picking up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem, and mental health that I feel was destroyed by living with--what I am now convinced is a socio-path for all of these years.
The call he made to the cops wasn't just for intimidation apparently. It was also for documentation for what he was about to do next. I've been wanting to leave the house and have been told I can't. And now it got to the point that I was forced by some law that is intended to protect real victims in life-threatening situations all to gain leverage in the divorce process. And it worked. Even though the judge was digusted by H and our lawyers for manipulating OOP laws to create a psuedo separation agreement.
The most disgusting part of this is that the laws that make getting OOP so easy, are intended to help people in really desperate situations. The law is intended to help real victims in DIRE SITUATIONS, however this man I used to believe was good and decent used it to VICTIMIZE. And to gain leverage in a divorce. To isolate me from my kids. And that is disgusting to me. It diminishes the severity of the real issue that brought these laws into play. I know women misuse these orders against men quite often and no one pays any attention because the groups that protect this law claim that it is better to err on the side of caution to protect victims of abuse, not recognizing that the flip side of this is that it can also be used to abuse. Because it is usually men that are on that side of it no one takes it seriously. Maybe this will be a cause I will take on once the dust settles.
So I have a new warning for people going through this. If you feel intimidated by your spouse you are going to get advice to stand up for yourself and reclaim your life, don't let him intimidate you. If you are dealing with a sociopath this will back fire. You can't win when you are dealing with someone so twisted and calculated. I should have heeded V's advice earlier--but I still believed I was married to someone with a conscience. The worst thing about this kind of abuse is that there are no physical bruises. You don't realize what is happening. A conversation that seems harmless, even hopeful gets twisted and redirected down a path that catches you off guard, and by the time you realize what has happened it is too late.
The good thing about all of this is: 1) I am now out of the house. No longer living in that torturous situation. 2) The agreement we have is ok for now and is temporary. I am happy with the terms for the most part, I just hate the fact that all of the restrictions are on me, since it is not really a separation agreement but an OOP. H agreed to the same terms but his cost for violating them is not as high as mine. 3) I can finally start to see what the future might look like. And I think it will be ok.
MY GOALS: 1) GET THE KIDS IN THERAPY ASAP--Now I am not there to serve as a buffer between him and the kids, and if my suspicions are correct, they need to get in with someone who will recognize the signs and help them navigate living with this man, something I failed to do. 2) GET A Job--I will be moving into my own place soon. I have some money to tie me over, and now I know exactly how much I will need to get myself self supporting. 3) Get this marriage and divorce over with as fast as I can so I can finally move on. I want zero contact with this man.
This is a scary time and the worst experience I have ever gone through, but I am relieved to finally be OUT. I feel like I am starting to see things with a little clarity. I think things will get better, but I am afraid of having to spend the rest of my life dealing with this man because of our children.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
V--YOU WERE SO RIGHT! I wish I listened more clearly to your warnings. I had no idea what I was dealing with.
Since my last post things I think I finally hit that rock bottom. I have had a terrifying past few days, but I feel right now that I have finally stopped the free-fall. I have crashed, and I am broken, but not destroyed. I haven't been able to post because I didn't have my computer charger with me, and because I am so shaken by the recent events that I needed some time to digest.
I'm ready to start picking up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem, and mental health that I feel was destroyed by living with--what I am now convinced is a socio-path for all of these years.
The call he made to the cops wasn't just for intimidation apparently. It was also for documentation for what he was about to do next. I've been wanting to leave the house and have been told I can't. And now it got to the point that I was forced by some law that is intended to protect real victims in life-threatening situations all to gain leverage in the divorce process. And it worked. Even though the judge was digusted by H and our lawyers for manipulating OOP laws to create a psuedo separation agreement.
The most disgusting part of this is that the laws that make getting OOP so easy, are intended to help people in really desperate situations. The law is intended to help real victims in DIRE SITUATIONS, however this man I used to believe was good and decent used it to VICTIMIZE. And to gain leverage in a divorce. To isolate me from my kids. And that is disgusting to me. It diminishes the severity of the real issue that brought these laws into play. I know women misuse these orders against men quite often and no one pays any attention because the groups that protect this law claim that it is better to err on the side of caution to protect victims of abuse, not recognizing that the flip side of this is that it can also be used to abuse. Because it is usually men that are on that side of it no one takes it seriously. Maybe this will be a cause I will take on once the dust settles.
So I have a new warning for people going through this. If you feel intimidated by your spouse you are going to get advice to stand up for yourself and reclaim your life, don't let him intimidate you. If you are dealing with a sociopath this will back fire. You can't win when you are dealing with someone so twisted and calculated. I should have heeded V's advice earlier--but I still believed I was married to someone with a conscience. The worst thing about this kind of abuse is that there are no physical bruises. You don't realize what is happening. A conversation that seems harmless, even hopeful gets twisted and redirected down a path that catches you off guard, and by the time you realize what has happened it is too late.
The good thing about all of this is: 1) I am now out of the house. No longer living in that torturous situation. 2) The agreement we have is ok for now and is temporary. I am happy with the terms for the most part, I just hate the fact that all of the restrictions are on me, since it is not really a separation agreement but an OOP. H agreed to the same terms but his cost for violating them is not as high as mine. 3) I can finally start to see what the future might look like. And I think it will be ok.
MY GOALS: 1) GET THE KIDS IN THERAPY ASAP--Now I am not there to serve as a buffer between him and the kids, and if my suspicions are correct, they need to get in with someone who will recognize the signs and help them navigate living with this man, something I failed to do. 2) GET A Job--I will be moving into my own place soon. I have some money to tie me over, and now I know exactly how much I will need to get myself self supporting. 3) Get this marriage and divorce over with as fast as I can so I can finally move on. I want zero contact with this man.
This is a scary time and the worst experience I have ever gone through, but I am relieved to finally be OUT. I feel like I am starting to see things with a little clarity. I think things will get better, but I am afraid of having to spend the rest of my life dealing with this man because of our children.
Yes ms I was trying to say just be cautious as I felt way back your h might have been a some knew with narc traits. Being nice just doesn't work with those sort they just use it again and again against you.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I am so relieved to see your post. I am so glad you are safe.
Perhaps my warnings weren't strong enough, we can discuss how best to do this for the future.
That sounds so unpleasant of me to say as there is no way I would want this for you. I was hoping that you could get a hasty retreat. In my case I own my home but claiming my home back triggered more abuse from WH.
Know this very clearly Msd, the more you set your boundaries, the more you stood for you, the stronger WH reaction. You are not the abuser here, not in any way.
Lovely this is for you. I will post again shortly.
I honestly don't believe your WH can work the sweet cycle again.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/12/1508:40 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm ok. Have a lot to do. I had a great weekend with my kids, returning them was hard. I am avoiding any contact with h, but somethings are unavoidable. He pulled up when I dropped the kids off at camp, and when we need to send correspondence about the kids it takes me a few hours to recover.
Being away from him is the best thing ever to happen, even if it happened in an awful, unjust way. Continuing the job search. Went to a job fair that was useless. I'm getting ready to move into a new place and I'm getting inspired by looking at paint colors and home decor. Luckily for now I have a lot of support and I have been so busy. I think there is a reason why I couldn't work this summer. There is always a reason, isn't there.
Last edited by mustardseed; 07/15/1512:20 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Things are happening. I'm trying to not let my fears take over and just embrace the change because I am sure good things will come if I stop sabotaging by resisting.
I am moving into my own place in a couple of weeks. I am excited and scared because I really can't afford it, but I am getting help--temporary help--but help. I want to be self-supporting, and finding a job that will allow for that is not easy. Living costs in this area are a lot more than a typical starting salary. But I am trying to just believe it will all work out. Trust and faith. I have a small buffer to help me get through the summer--and I am hoping those unemployment checks start coming. I am also looking for work. But part of my problem is I feel paralyzed. My confidence has been shaken by my last work experience. Somehow I have to overcome that.
I went surfing for the first time yesterday with my sister and cousin and it was so much fun. I want to do it again. I was hardly graceful, but did better than I expected to do. And today I feel a good healthy sore from pushing my body and a comforting sunburn (people think I am crazy because I love the way sun burn feels--I allow myself one good burn a summer, then I play it safe with sun block the rest of the summer).
I miss my kids more than anything, and dropping them off yesterday was as emotional as always, but following it up with a day at the beach with some of my favorite people, and doing something I never dreamed I would do a few years ago was cathartic. Who says 40 is too old to try something new?
Last edited by mustardseed; 07/21/1503:17 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
The one thing I know about you is that you apply yourself and work hard. You saw it through and did not crumble. You learned a great deal and grew through all of it. It will never be that bad again.
Your own home base will make all the difference.
Loving the GAL!
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
