Thanks for the kind posts on my old thread. The understatement of the year is that MLC is a funny old business.
You start with a broken heart, and end up feeling sorry for the person who broke it. Strange trajectory. And in between a LOT of other emotions.
My xh (still in MLC) now wants me back in his life (having run fast and far for many years, and a champion spewer) and I don't want this any more. No crumbs from a strange persons table.
Marriage is a long dialogue and when it is broken or fails it is hard to restore. Difficult to put something else in its place.
It is possible to restore a marriage, and it is possible to have a friendship with someone post divorce, but not simply on their terms.
None of us asked for this or 'deserved' it, but we can do more than simply survive it - we can grow and prosper.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bea, we cannot make choices for other people. Often times people make very poor choices that cause a great deal of harm to others. Its sad that at the time, they don't see it. Many times, later on, they want to try to repair the damage they caused. Often times, its too late. Too much has been said and done. That's my situation. I no longer care about my XW in anyway. Too much has been said and done for me to get past. I have a new life now, and have for some time. In my new life, there is no room for my XW in anyway, shape, form, or fashion. Over the years, she has tried to contact me either by phone, email, facebook, through mutual friends, etc. What she gets from me is silence. I bare no ill will, but I have no desire to communicate with her in anyway. Everyone is different and if you can establish a friendship with them, good! If not, move on with your life and develop your own happiness!
BH - we are all different. I do not think I will ever cease to care about my xh - we had a very long and very happy marriage. But he is not the person I married. We have three amazing adult children. Two of them have a limited relationship with their father, the eldest does not. What I don't want is false friendship.
If he genuinely wanted to try and repair the damage I would listen. Not to restore the marriage, but for the sake of what we had.
In my case however my xh simply wants me in his life as a sign that 'all is well', and that no harm was done. This is not true, and I can't relate to this pod person.
So, as things are, I am getting on happily with my life. If he genuinely changed and got through his crisis, I would know. His actions would show it.
Bea, you are one of just a few familiar names left on here. Your situation is interesting and it certainly makes sense to not want contact solely on his terms. You are right that you begin brokenhearted and somehow find yourself feeling sorry for the X.
BH, I guess we all do what makes sense for our situation. I don't know that I would want to be in touch with X but I have to communicate with X because of D9. We get along OK but he still irritates me as I feel he still treats D9 less than she deserves.
I found that when my former MIL died, it was quite hard to deal with. I've had more trouble letting go of that than I wanted.
However, X is still extremely self-centered and I believe now that it was less an MLC and more a part of his personality that I somehow overlooked. He's kind of like an extended family member who is annoying but I still have to deal with.
Just celebrated my 2-year anniversary with H.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
we' ve been at it since 2009. We too feel sorry for XH. My kids are in the middle. He text one or the other without anybody else knowing. It is sometimes driving me nuts but there is no points fighting over this. it is harmless. he ask his questions of our plans and try to interfere from time to time but I won' t change my plans anymore. We are living our lives. The kids have the choice of going with him or me. My 2 youngest now go to their father' s one week-end a month. He no longer visit during the week. He has very little contact with the oldest and text son regularly but son often stay here.
OW doesn' t participate in their activities but her daughter tag along. HER daughter doesn' t know me but tells my daughter how lucky she is to have me.. Her son did not go back to live with them. So. I guess it is NOT as wonderful as it appeared to be.
We all have our own story line but we all share common feelings and similarities. We all go through the same stages to get where WE ( lbs ) are today.
Bea - Wow, hearing your thoughts from 12 July post. You have been thru a tremendous amount. You are strong to realise what you want and not accept less. I wonder when/if I will get there.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
Forward, I drop by now and again, not very often. It's hard to believe it's been over 9 years. I look back on that time and it seems like it's such a distant memory. I don't have any contact with my XW at all, and I want it that way. I don't know what she is doing and do not care. I've long ago moved on with my life and she is in my past.
This has proved to be a good title! Nothing from xh for over a month now . . . The first six months of the year I had dozens and dozens of emails and quite a few texts and two meetings.
Too much, BUT we did achieve friendlier terms for dealing with any issues relating to our grown up kids. And yes, even grown up children have their ups and downs where parents can be supportive and helpful.
However he is remarried, and I suggested that we really didn't need to communicate this much, which he has fully accepted.
All in all I am pleased with how I handled it. AFter all these years civility seems to have broken out.
It is worth taking the high road, and sucking it up. Much as I would love to have a good rant and scream (havng got his attention for more than 5 minutes) but really this way is better. Sometimes being a grown up really s*cks
Bea, I'm very happy that things have settled down for you. At least you and your xh are on more friendlier terms w/respect to your adult children.
I hope that the calmer waters continue for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I might be an old-timer too! I am so sorry Beatrice that he continues to at times be a problem for you but glad if things are calmer now and you are getting a break from contact. I just posted about more "evidence" if you will of my xh not being anything remotely like the person I married/lived with all those years. I think it never ceases to be shocking.
I hope things are well with your sons and with you as well :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
All is good - I miss being in a long term relationship at times, and I sometimes miss the person my xh was - and I am not deluding myself here because everyone can now see how much he has changed. It is weird.
