Time to bury the mustard seed

[mustardseed]

Because you depend on him for financial support & that makes you feel obliged? Because having your trustworthiness called into question is a really big deal for you?

I hate being wrongly judged. In my case, it grows out of my parents treating my younger brother and I very differently in certain ways, and also because they assumed that if my younger brother got into it with me it was always assumed to be my fault. Judging me wrong triggers me every time. Really, really hard to control reacting and responding to it.

See anything like that in your childhood about trustworthiness and your parents? If not, then I suspect it is just the feeling obliged because of the differential power on the finances.

[censored], but until you rectify that situation, you'll probably struggle to not respond. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's hard to stop. I also don't see that much harm in it.

If you want, we could rehearse some possible replies?

You just gave me an Aha moment. I am the middle child and was always referred to as the "Problem child". I fought with both my siblings and was always the one to get all of the blame. I felt like no one every believed that my intentions were good and it probably is why I am so defensive. I wish I just read this before I kept pushing because things took a very ugly turn. He has been accusing me of harassing him for a while. Every time I ask him questions he doesn't want to answer he accuses me of harassing him. A few months ago he got a limited temporary order of protection against me when I caught him on the phone with OW and tried to grab the phone from him which resulted in scratch marks. In our state when someone tries to get an OOP all they need to do is go and ask for one, the defendent does not have to be present. Ever since then he has been trying to bait me into violating it. It is very vague, and most of what it tells me I can't do are obvious but there is no definition of what harassment is. He says that when I ask him questions that he doesn't want to answer and don't leave the room when he tells me to that I am harassing him. I refuse to be intimidated and was told that I have a right to be in my home, in my living room, and talking about whatever I want to regardless of if he wants me there or not.

He ended up calling the cops today because I went back downstairs for a snack that resulted in me again trying to get some answers from him. Of course the cops didn't find cause, but my poor kids were in tears. It was scary for them. He ended up getting what he claims he wanted because the cops told me that he is going to continue to try and bait me and I need to just avoid him. So I get to continue walking on eggshells. YAY.

My poor kids. They don't deserve this.

[Vanilla]

Msd

There is no way you can persuade WH.

He will keep changing the rules without telling you

Just email the info and hold your ground.

V

[Vanilla]

Msd

I have changed my view about holding your ground whilst being in the home.

I am very concerned for you and ideally I think you should leave with the children and be safe, or WH to go.

This appears to be reinforced escalation and worries me. Be safe.

V

[Bob723]

Hello Msd,

I have to agree with Vanilla. Take care, please!

Bob

[asitis]

A couple thoughts.

First, stop demanding any answers from him. It isn't good DBing at a minimum, and it sets up a situation that will harm you and the kids (either legally for you, or trauma for the kids).

Second, he filed. I want to make this suggestion with the contingent that you have to be sure you will be safe making the demand. You should not be the one to leave, but clearly the situation has deteriorated to the point where it isn't good for you and your H to share space. I'd say that this situation isn't working. He has filed for divorce and feels that answering questions is something he thinks is unbearable enough that he calls the cops. Ask him to please move out immediately.

Now, the question is what if he refuses? I'll defer to other more experienced in such situation, as it is hard for me to get in the head of a man that was seeking a divorce to refuse such a reasonable request. I'd go to a lawyer tomorrow for advice either way.

Sorry this is going so badly for you.

[Zelda09]

Hi Msd,

V asked me to stop by. I've read only this thread, and am sorry to hear of your pain and frustration. Those eggshells feel a bit like glass after a while.

The phrase, "Hurt people hurt people."

Your H wants to hurt you. None of us are psychologists here, but the thing with the tattoo, ignoring you, playing victim...calling cops...what can we say? Immature. Perhaps abusive. Certainly the cop call serves its purpose, to intimidate. He clearly doesn't want to deal with you, but would like to mess with you a bit. Again, I haven't read your sitch all the way through, but I've got no doubt that to your H, he sees you as an enemy.

It sounds like you are in the eye of the storm and you have one heck of a fight coming up over territory and finances through a D, no? This seems at a distance like warm-up push ups, punches before going into the ring.

As far as the harassing bit - one thing I'd wished I'd learned sooner in my M, a regret - I would follow my H, trying to talk things over. Despite my best intentions, he couldn't handle it. OR - didn't want to. Either way, when he'd ask me to leave him alone, I rarely respected. Like if he would just hear me out, we could talk and everything would be better. We finally got to a place where, through counseling, I agreed that I would respect his initial request, period. No matter what. And he agreed he would come back to the topic within a day, and we would talk about it rationally. I assume you are past this point, though? I was thinking that it would perhaps help you survive the S in house if you could agree on such a communication ground rule.

But like V, I am concerned that this is simply a control tactic to make you small, not a healthy adult saying he can't handle it right now. (My H and I successfully tried our new ground rule, and he found different unhealthy tactics to make up for the new and improved respect between us.)

Is there any history of physical intimidation? Verbal abuse?

Try to let it bounce, Mstd. I think the best game plan would be to avoid poking the bear. Get used to using your own recording device if something needs talking over, and you fear he will react or call the cops. At all times behave like the adult in the room with respectful distance.

Look up negative politeness. There was an interesting entry there on a website with panorama in its name. I recognized that when my STBX and I were still speaking, the times I used this he did not react in such a threatened or aggressive/defensive manner.

[Vanilla]

Msd

Here to give you an enormous

Hug

V

[Bob723]

Hi Msd,

I just wanted to stop by and inform you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have not forgotten about you! I haven’t been online too much lately and I’m trying to catch up on your situation.

Please keep a PMA, don’t give up and keep moving forward. We have your back.

Giant (((hugs)))

Your friend,

Bob

[DifRent]

Wow, MustardSeed... all I can say here is that I'm praying for you, and it's great to see you responding with such decisive clarity at this point. Hang in there... hugs, Dif

[mustardseed]

The list of things I wrote are my current goals, in order of importance.

I have 50/50 time with my kids right now, every weekend, one week day, and one alternating weekday. I am happy with this because it allows me to have the most quality time with them and because I am homeless at the moment (staying with parents who live in a different county) I don't have to commute with them so often while they are in camp.

I plan on moving into my own place close to the school(but far enough away to hopefully avoid accidentally running in to him) by August 1.