seperated 4 months, its now 9 months, oh and om

[help67]

Your right about thinking about ww too much and not me, but I am doing some good things. We were together so long, I have so much I never dealt with, and have lived in fear so long that it will take time. I still need her to some degree, but I know there is something inside of me that just wants her and so I dont want to give up. I need to find me, not need her anymore, and time will tell the rest.
So how do I best do this is where I am at, how to just work on me, but not give up on us.

[Vanilla]

Help

We all begin by being confused. You can stand for your M and yourself at the same time, you can stay strong on that. And it's a good thing to want to rebuild your R with your W, to build a new M and work with DB to do that.

Sweetheart, you have an extra complication, your addiction.

If you think slow then reduce that speed by 4 for those in recovery for addictions. That is a very good thing in my book.

Know this Help, it is very brave to acknowledge your confusion and to work on these fronts. It's hard work.

My hat off to you. You are doing ok, it's part of the process, none of this is easy, in a few months you will be detached and seeing the new posters in their confusion. It seems to me, you are bang on schedule. It would cause me concern if you 'got it' because that would comeback to bite you later.

Peace

V

[help67]

You can stand for your M and yourself at the same time, you can stay strong on that. And it's a good thing to want to rebuild your R with your W, to build a new M and work with DB to do that.

It is a good thing to want to rebuild R with my W, sometimes that simple sentiment gets lost during this craziness that is my life now. My w parents divorced when she was 12 and spiraled out of control for the next 35 yrs and they never healed themselves. They were bitter, addicted, resentful people and her father still is. That wont be me, it never was the real me.

Thank you for your kind words V, it helps more than you can ever know as I feel like I am hanging on a thread.

PEACE to you

[PigPen]

Hang tough Help. You've accomplished something already that SO many people in our situation struggle with - simply staying sober. That's huge. Extremely huge. On the days when you really think you're hanging on by a thread - remember that.

That one decision will do more to heal your life than anything that happens with your W. Make the decision that it's for life too. No matter what. Come hell or high water.

You're doing a great job, and asking all of the right questions here. You also have the amazing example set by your in laws of how not to do this. I had the same. Both divorced for over 25 years, both still single, both still fighting with each other at each family gathering. Amazing. Swallow the poison in hopes that it hurts your mate.

One of the hardest aspects to grasp of DB'ing is that standing for your M and the new R often times is accomplished by really letting it go. (mind explodes!) But it's true.

Keep up the good work, V is right, you're doing well and should give yourself credit.

PP

[Vanilla]

Wonderful post PP.

V

[Vanilla]

Help

I will stay around to hear what you have to say, your sobriety is very key to this recovery of yours and I know how tough that is.

I understand you want it complete and settled. For your sake, this will take time.

As Cadet says, you have it, ironically whilst your WW has an A with scuzzy OM she is giving you time.

Use that time to heal, you are doing well, please hold that in your heart.

V

[help67]

The actual act of drinking repulses me and so I am not worried about that right now, I wanted to quit for so long. Dealing with the demons I hid by drinking, all the hurt I caused myself and my beautiful wife all these years is another story.
I like the changes I am making about myself, it is hard and will take time. Not being able to be doing this with my w is tearing me apart.
My w and I never communicated well, and something will have to be said soon. We have to much contact because of my d, although I have avoided my w this week. She thinks I am hiding, but I am dying to open up to her. I want her somehow to know that I finally realize the hurt she felt. Talking to IC is not the same as if I had my w to talk to still.
I am still here, but I cant live like this, I hope things improve. I have to let my w go, but I dont know the best way to do it.

[Vanilla]

My lovely things will improve.

Through your DB the communications will improve.

You will learn to manage you, and all of your communication will improve, if you keep withDB, I absolutely believe that is possible for you.

Breathe easy, relax, keep in mind this takes time and you have it. You are becoming, it's going to be ok if you tread your path.

Once that washing machine mind stops spinning it will be easier.

Breathe.........

V

[help67]

Thanks v,

I read your thread on abuse, I did earlier in my sitch but I think I am understanding it better. I was probably a situational abuser, either way my behavior was awful. Its not me deep inside, maybe the drinking played a part, I also could have been in a MLC for a long time (drinking and mlc seem similar). I am not blaming my w for anything, but certainly my behavior cycled until she put an end to it by leaving. It was the boundary that finally woke me up. Her issues made it hard for her to set boundaries and so things got progressively worse, again not blaming her for that. I own this.
My w made the analogy of when Charlie Brown holds the football for Lucy, but keeps pulling it away when she goes to kick it. She said I would be who she thought I was (kind ,caring ,present) etc. but then would revert to my bad behavior.
Reading about it made me a little calmer as I think I am truly working on those issues. I wanted to for so long, but was fearful, fear is how I lived most of my life.
So it seems that I have been given a second chance on life, maybe not with my w, but I have not given up on that yet. The real me is kind, caring, fun, and flawed. I write this after meditating and I think it gave me some clarity.
I am going to follow my db coach advice and build this friendship with my w, if its all I have I will make it amazing for us and my d, and who knows what the future holds, she fell in love with this person once.

[Vanilla]

If you were creating situational abuse in your life the answer is the easiest of all change the situation!

I love your Charlie Brown and Lucie analogy so apt and appropriate.

You have identified that your behaviour isn't a personality problem which is deep rooted. You will feel much calmer now you have identified what you need to do. I am not saying the path is easy, of course not. It is very uphill.

It is like seeing spots on your leg, is it chicken pox (which will pass), gangene (so fatal) or merely a bruise. Once you know it's chicken pox, you know the treatment.

Your W fell in love with you once and together you have a special D. Walking your path and knowing who you are in sobriety will make your life easier and calmer.

Gently breathe the cool mountain air and rest on your journey, you have crossed a major obstacle. You have a plan.

Peace and rest

V