My childhood home was emotionally neglectful--tremendously so. Did not realize how much so until I had my own kids and realized how much love/conversation/validation they need in a given day.
Looking in the rear view mirror I see that I dated stable men from good homes and turned those situations down.
I know now that I married my H to fix my mother.
I also am coping with new found anger I feel toward my MIL. We have always had a friendly, joking relationship up to now. Currently, I just want to call her up and call her out for all the dysfuntion.
When my S was 3 and learning to express emotion, he told me hated me while she was in the room. I tried to talk with him about his feelings. Such big emotions out of such a little body! She told me I should lock him out of the house for the day and she was serious!
Sadly, this is one of the techniques she used on my H. I am realizing he never experienced unconditional love and was punished physically and emotionally for expressing himself.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I don't know if you have read the thread called "My Thoughts on Why They Run", but it may shed a bit of light on the childhood issues and how they play a part in the MLCer's journey back in time:
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job-I have read and re-read that info. about why they run. Each time I read it I another "a ha" moment. Thx.
At XMAS, in front of the whole family my H shamed his mother about his childhood. He made fun of her for the various dysfunctional decisions she made in his childhood.
Afterward I recommended that he talk to her again one on one. He said no. I wonder if the child in him is too scared? Maybe he wanted to shame her to turn the tables on her?
Sadly, to me she has intimated that he was "born an angry kid." She has never owned up to her part. Maybe she buried it and she convinced herself of this lie. But she broke her own child.
This is painful to admit but right now, I am so disappointed in my H, his behavior, the havoc this is wreaking on my kids. I know he needs me to step up and be his friend and show unconditional love. I know he is missing that. And I know my face shows my disappointment in him. I am disappointed in myself for not being able to have more compassion for him and his sitch.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Your h confronted his mother in front of the entire family because it was a safe way to do it. Speaking to her about his childhood and how it was one on one will get him nowhere w/her. Like a teenager, he was getting back at her the only way he knew how to do so at that time. It's very sad, but the parents don't or can't see or want to admit what they may have done to their children long ago.
I do understand the disappoint you have in your h's behavior, but you've got to find a way to look at him as a different person right now. The body is the same, but the person living in that body is a very different individual who is very selfish and self-centered right now and will feel entitled at some point. Being a friend doesn't mean that you have to accept all of his "bad" behavior. If he's acting out in a way that isn't good in front of your children, call him on it.
It all takes time. His crisis didn't happen over night, but it did start a very long time ago and whatever flipped the switch started him on the path of going back and doing things one more time. You have to accept him for who he is today and realize that there is nothing you can do to stop the crisis or rush him through it. For now, you are the adult and you have to be there for your kids.
I'm truly sorry that you are having to deal w/this...but you will need to dig deeper for patience and know that whatever happens, you will be okay. You are going to discover that you are stronger than you think and will be able to accomplish things that you didn't think you could.
For now, keep the focus on you and your kids. Leave your h in God's hands.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - thank you, thank you, thank you. Great insights I did not see.
I know I need to call him out on bad behavior in front of the kids. Is there a link on how to best go about this? Or advice offered somewhere?
Do I do this right when it happens even if it is in front of the kids? Or do I do it offline? I have no idea how he will react. He may go Mt. Vesuvius angry . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Job is very very wise and has helped so many people here.
Please do not call your h out in front of the kids. During MLC we have to suspend ideas of what is right and normal social interaction at this time, and consider it from his point of view (hard I know when they are so crazy).
Try TED at a later point - 'tell me' 'Explain to me please' 'Describe'
It is OK to say calmly that you cannot accept this behaviour towards the children, and to ask him not to. Boundaries, firmly stated and enforced are helpful, but do not become the parent (he is rebelling against his mother right now).
Someone once said that in MLC we steer a fine line between b*tch and doormat. Because they are acting like a teenage jerk when they aren't being a spoilt toddler, it can be very hard to get through to them.
This behaviour exhausts our reserves of compassion. Only you will know how much you can take, but try and rise above it, and try not to be frightened of the rages. I was - some can laugh but they terrified me because they were so out of character.
Hi Beatrice - thank you so much for clarifying. Yes, it makes sense as a strategy, when you explain his perspective, why I would do this offline.
Also, I certainly do not want to open up the curtains and expose my kids to any more dysfunction than they are already seeing. I appreciate the advice but also the encouragement about facing impending rage. You nailed the fine line I feel I walk!
And yes, I too am afraid of the raging I will see. In general my H has not monstered too much, thankfully. Day-to-day his body language shows a lot of anger and disgust toward me.
There have, however, been a few times the anger has been directed at me and said with what can only be described as "shark eyes." In one of these rages I knew he was talking to his mother through me. He stated the exact words to me that he once stated to her during a very important fight they had in his teenage years. The statement was said with venom and these "shark eyes.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I agree w/Bea...do not call your h out in front of the kids. When you do speak to him, give him examples and please try to speak to him in a very calm manner and yes, look him in the eye. Stick to the facts and do not get wishy washy w/him. The TED method does work and you may have to use this method quite often during his crisis.
Boundaries are something that need to be put into place and also, his behavior towards you...if it gets out of hand, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "when you've calmed down, I'll be happy to discuss the matter w/you" and then walk away. Do not engage in heated discussions because no matter what, in his mind, he will always be right.
As for the rage...try not to take it personally and when he's like that, leave him alone. Many times, it's projected on to you because you are the safest person he can explode to. Bea is right about one thing, some of the rages can be frightening because the person you married and lived w/for so long has suddenly become a raving lunatic. It's so out of character, but it is part of the MLC journey for them. We even experience a bit of anger as part of the journey of mourning the death of our old marriages.
As for the shark eyes...yep, they do get those and they most certainly have no "sparkle". They will exhibit shark eyes for quite a while. Eyes are the window to our souls and right now, their souls are dead, hence the shark eyes. One day, the sparkle will return, but it's going to be a while.
So, for now, when he's raging, leave him alone. His journey is all about him and what he needs to heal his inner self.
Keep the focus on you and your kids as much as possible.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job and Bea- thanks, this gives me much to work on. I felt I was very good at TED when my kids were younger.
Something changed in me though. I need to not just "work on" responding vs. reacting but I need to "change" my ways here. This whole process has made me see the "fixer" I am. I feel the anxiety rise and then I feel this panic to tell my kids exactly how to do something. I am sure I did this with H, too. I hate it about myself. I am practicing on my kids and I see my H noticing. I feel so much better physically/emotionally when I respond vs. react. But it is hard because all this anxiety/panic rises up in me like a tsunami.
Regarding the "shark eyes," a few weeks back we were at a school event and had a picture taken of the 4 of us. I was shocked to see H had, not shark eyes, but 'dead eyes' in the photo. I went back and scanned old photos. Best I can tell, the last photo where I see that glint in his eye is early summer 2014! And all the smiles seems to be pasted on his face.
There is one photo XMAS 2014 where my husband seems completely zoned out/expressionless and is staring at his mother. It is a scary one.
Maybe even scarier is that I never noticed any of this ...
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
H texted me on household items that are not absolutely necessary. This is a first. I answered and then cracked a joke. H answered "ha ha."
The next day H texted me necessary household info, I answered and cracked another joke. We used to laugh together so much/share a common sense of humor. This time H cracked a joke back! First time we have bantered in SO long.
And I remember that this is how our friendship changed to the romantic. Funny email conversations.
Next day H texts me at work that he is grabbing dinner for kids can he grab me something? This is a HUGE first. But he quickly sends a follow-up text that it is a busy night and there won't be time to cook. Ah, so he is saying it is "necessary" for him to offer to pick me up dinner vs. "I want to do this for you." Still he is exhibiting common courtesy toward me - another first in a long time. I say no thanks as I want to fix myself something at home.
Then, another text comes through. H cracks a joke. I joke back. H ends conversation by telling me what he is doing with the kids.
I am so used to the stranger that it is odd to see the old H surface.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
