We aren't reconciled. We aren't even close, but we've gotten to a point now where we can tolerate each other...but it took a couple weeks of me being in absolute agony and then finally realizing that I don't want to be withthe new her. It would be miserable. The old her was abducted or is/was lost in the fog.
There's nothing that makes detaching easier than the way your W is acting right now. Use all that angry energy to propel you to being the best, most confident Aj you've evr been.
Everyone is different, but also what worked for me is I read and reread her nasty texts over and over and over until I became immune to the effects. Then I looked at each one and started thinking about how I contributed to getting us there. This is tough. She has a lot of issues to work through, but remember, you do too.
Really analyze her words and know that you can't fix her right now.
Thanks Asitis, my lawyer/friend also said what you said.
Ralphy, very true, I don't want to be around this new woman that doesn't resemble my wife and her texts are helping me detach and not be a crying emotional sap , I'm definitely using her negative , mean and hateful texts as energy for me to improve myself and start living again!
Me:35 W:30 7 years together 11 months married No children W Left me-moved to her moms: June 2015 W filed for D: July 2015
"Do not believe anything of what they say and 50% of what they do"--
For my situation thus far she's done exactly what she's said 100%, today I got the D papers and she got her ring and more stuff from the apartment .
I'm not giving up and doing a lot of good for myself but I think honestly she's moved on, threw 7 years away and wants a life w/o me. Can't db if one person has genuinely moved on
Last edited by Aj8; 07/10/1505:25 PM.
Me:35 W:30 7 years together 11 months married No children W Left me-moved to her moms: June 2015 W filed for D: July 2015
Its only over when you decide it is. DBing is all about changing ones approach, perspective ... little to do with the WAS.
You only have a few weeks under your belt and if you decide to raise the white flag that's on you. People here DB during a rough patch, separation, even after a divorce. Its all about when they decide to give up on the M or R.
I could be wrong, but in my understanding, the whole POINT of DB is what to do when one person has moved on.
I guess what I meant is I don't see a R in the future
I know that's what you meant.
Let's say you "give up". You help push through this divorce, it gets done, you never talk to your W again. What have you learned? How will your next relationship be better?
We all come here trying to SAVE OUR MARRIAGES. But, to be honest, there is nothing that we can do to save the marriage; it takes two to be in a relationship, and you can't control whether the other person wil change their mind.
What we DO control is ourselves. We control how we react with our spouses, how we interact with other people, how we react to our spouses, etc. By examining ourselves and improving the person we are and the way that we interact with others, we become better, more attractive versions of ourselves. And there's a CHANCE our spouses will want to date THAT person.
So the steps are really: 1) set goals for who you want to be 2) achieve those goals 3) your spouse takes notice 4) you decide whether to reconcile together
What if you decide to give up on this relationship and start again. In order to find s new mate, I'd expect you'd do the following: 1) set goals for who you want to be 2) achieve those goals 3) start dating
DBing is all about the first two steps. So, yes, you CAN DB when one person has moved on. You can't see what your step 3 will be until you're in step 2.
Caliguy balls definitely not on my court she doesn't want to see me only communicates/texts to say when she filed , when she picks up stuff from our place so I won't be home when she does and when she finally moves all her stuff out. There's no communication , or anything--haven't seen her in almost a month now . She not only doesn't care what's going on with me she won't even see/hear about my changes .
Matt I gotcha
Me:35 W:30 7 years together 11 months married No children W Left me-moved to her moms: June 2015 W filed for D: July 2015
I could be wrong, but in my understanding, the whole POINT of DB is what to do when one person has moved on.
I guess what I meant is I don't see a R in the future
I know that's what you meant.
Let's say you "give up". You help push through this divorce, it gets done, you never talk to your W again. What have you learned? How will your next relationship be better?
We all come here trying to SAVE OUR MARRIAGES. But, to be honest, there is nothing that we can do to save the marriage; it takes two to be in a relationship, and you can't control whether the other person wil change their mind.
What we DO control is ourselves. We control how we react with our spouses, how we interact with other people, how we react to our spouses, etc. By examining ourselves and improving the person we are and the way that we interact with others, we become better, more attractive versions of ourselves. And there's a CHANCE our spouses will want to date THAT person.
So the steps are really: 1) set goals for who you want to be 2) achieve those goals 3) your spouse takes notice 4) you decide whether to reconcile together
What if you decide to give up on this relationship and start again. In order to find s new mate, I'd expect you'd do the following: 1) set goals for who you want to be 2) achieve those goals 3) start dating
DBing is all about the first two steps. So, yes, you CAN DB when one person has moved on. You can't see what your step 3 will be until you're in step 2.
Make sense?
I agree with Matt 100% here Aj. It's a hard perception shift to swallow, but once you do I think it all falls into place.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Caliguy, balls definitely not on my court if you understand what I posted, I don't think you would say this
she doesn't want to see me only communicates/texts to say when she filed , when she picks up stuff from our place so I won't be home when she does and when she finally moves all her stuff out. There's no communication , or anything--haven't seen her in almost a month now . She not only doesn't care what's going on with me she won't even see/hear about my changes. Its not about her. It's about YOU. You have to do steps 1 + 2 before there's any reason to worry about 3 + 4. If you reconciled right now, things would not be any different!
